The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a difficult time to post what is really going on in my life for right now. Last week I was posting, and my husband came up in back of me and said, how interesting you are teddybear. He wanted to read what I had just wrote, so I deleted it. He became very angry with me. I am going through some new therapy as of the last three weeks, and I am finding out all kinds of hurts that I have been repressing since my childhood. I do not want to post what I am going through, because I know that my husband can read what I have posted.
Over the last week my husband has been very angry, and I am trying to find happiness eventhough he is unkind with me. My situation is not an easy one, and there is a lot of resentment on both sides.
I have a sponsor, and I speak a lot with her, and cry the tears that I need to cry.
With the therapy that I am going through right now I know that I will learn to put myself first, yet it is not easy.
I spoke about my sons taking pot, and I thought that it was not such a bad thing. I am told that I am in denial, just as I have been most of my life. I guess that is what had protected me in the past, yet now I am facing the reality because it is the only way that I will find peace, and real harmony in my life.
During therapy, I am often saying, what I went through is not so bad, other people have been through more!! I am working on myself, and I know in time I will be much happier than I am now.
I often have the good words to tell the people that I sponsor, yet when it comes to myself, it becomes difficult. I guess it is like the shoemaker...with the holes in his shoes. I have come to the crossroad now, an I am working on facing my own reality.
Thank you to everyone who has read my post, and have had the patience to do so. I really needed to share what I am going through, and possibly someone else can relate to me. Thanks for being there, and for listening.
Though my situation is different I do relate to your post. Fortunetly for me my a doesn't know how to use a computer so I don't have to worry about him reading these. But I have to go online at work to post because if I do it at home he does tend to try and spy or he will come in the room, unusual for him, and sit there asking what I am doing.
As far as being able to give advice to others and not really taking it myself, that is definitely what I do, I can talk to someone on here and relate exactly what i feel is appropriate for me to handle a situation and not necessarily follow that plan. I'm not lying I just find it hard to follow through. Being on this board helps me put things out there, possible solutions to my problems and to share experiences that have helped. I think sharing at meetings and lately sharing here has really helped me to start to slowly use what I already know.
Thanks for being here, I will pray for you to find your own solution so you can continue to come and post, I know it is a great resourse.
I can relate on most of what you posted. Like you my husband can go and read everything I write. He has some program installed that logs everything that is typed. The way I see it though if he doesn't like what I have to say then that is his problem to deal with...these are my feelings and I am only harming myself by keeping it all bottled up. There are alot of people that have been and are going through worse than I have. I know in time you will find your happiness that we are all searching for. I know its there for all of us we just need to remove the obsticales in our way.(always easier said than done) I wish you all the best in your recovery!
When you say what you've been through isn't so bad??? compared to WHAT??? I know I've been repeating to myself, "Life isn't supposed to be this hard", then, I think of all those who don't have even the comforts I possess. So, I feel like I'm whining.
But, I think what you've been through must have been bad enough, or it wouldn't worry you. I long in to a completely separate account to go online here. My A works really hard at separating me from any support I might find.
Continue to pray for me, and I shall for you....gotta run, Huggs to ya...Geneva
You are soooo supportive on this board for the rest of us. You have a right to your feelings and what is going on in your life. We shouldn't compare our stories to others and minimize them. They happened and they are real and they had an impact. This has been a most difficult year for me but thanks to everyone's support. I know I will make it and so will you.
Thank you for your validation, it really helps me to know that I am not alone, and that you can relate to what I am saying.
Last night I went to my meeting, there was a new person, and she came to talk with me, and she shared, the pain that she was going through. Today she called me, she asked me if I would attend a meeting with her over the weekend. I am grateful to my HP that there are people along my path that will share their experiences with me, since it helps me to see my own situation more clearly. At first I had wondered if it would be a good idea to give my phone number to another person, since I already sponsor three people. When I thought about it, I thought yes it was a good idea. If the HP brings the person to me, I know that we are meant to be on each other's path. Today when I spoke to her, she was surprised when I complemented her about how she had handled a situation with her daughter. I told her what I had said was only the truth. Many of us seem to have the same thing in common, and that is not believing in ourselves, and seeing our own strengths. We are all mirrors of each other!! thank you for being there and sharing, because we all need each other.
I think that you have a wonderful logic, and it helps me to see things in a different perspective!! You have given yourself freedom in being able to post without the fear of having your partner read what you have posted. You are taking giant steps to take care of your own needs!!
Fear is really an element that I am working on, because at times it can harm me, and my ability to find happiness. Like the saying goes "The worst fear is fear alone" logically I know it, yet I have to remind myself of this phrase often. I know that the more I fear a situation, the bigger it gets!! Thanks for reminding me of this today. When the teacher is needed the teacher appears. Thanks for being there, and for caring. You are important to me.
It is nice to hear from you again!! I am sorry to hear that life is not treating you as well as you deserve. You are not whinning, and only venting, and that is a good thing.
Life is supposed to be happy, yet many of us have been through such a difficult childhood that we are sometimes uncomfortable to feel happy. What do we do?? we go out and choose partner's somewhat life our parents. Why?? because we are at ease with what we know. It is like the dog whose master kicks him down the steps each day, and the dog still loves his master.
I know that I have been in denial for many years, and through therapy I know that I will want to face my reality more clearly. I have all of the tools that I need to start looking after myself. I have this message board with all of the wonderful and caring people like you!! I have my literature that I read every day, I have the people that I sponsor, a sponsor, and my Al-Anon meetings, and my therapy that will last for fifty-two weeks, and it is with other women like myself who have been through a situation similar to mine. Most importantly!! I have my HP who will guide me and who is always with me. I have been praying for a long time to my HP to help me find peace and happiness in my life, and I know that I am blessed because I have been blind and now I see, just like the song says.
Geneva....you can find that same peace too, if you continue to believe that you are where you need to be just for today, and you will find the answers that you need to find happiness.
Be sure that I will think of you in my prayers each night, and I will pray that you find the happiness that you deserve. Thanks for being there, and for helping me to see more clearly.
I feel for you, knowing that this year has been so difficult. I hope that you can find some happiness along the way. It is one step at a time, and with the help of your HP.
Thank you for reminding me that we should not compare our situation to others, because in the end, I suppose that when we suffer it is relative to what we are going through at the time, and how it has affected our lives today. I really appreciate you, and thank you for being there. May God/HP Bless and Keep you well. If God/HP brings us to it...He will bring us through whatever situation that we are living through.....the REASON, THE SEASON AND THE TIME... this is a phrase that I hold dear, and it helps me to believe that I am where I need to be, if only for today. Thanks for being there, and for being a part of this wonderful message board family.
