The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husbands friend passed away this morning. Okay his life was ended because of three men robbing him and beating him to a pulp. But he was drunk and leaving the bar when it happened.
He leaves behind a wife and two young children.
When I showed up for counseling this afternoon, I was down and my husband and the counselor both asked my why. I hadn't seen my husband to tell him of his friends passing, I had only heard it a few hours before.
I told him what had happened and I told him what upset me so much was the way people are speaking of him. A lot of people are sad, they all say the same thing, they say it shouldn't have happened, he was just a harmless drunk, he didn't cause much trouble and wouldn't hurt anyone.
I told him I keep thinking it could have been you. I keep thinking that the sae thing would be said about you if you died today. I couldn't stop crying because of one wasted life and the fear that it could have been my husband.
My husband said I don't go there any more, I haven't in a long time and told me I was being unrealistic. I asked him if that was the legacy he wanted to leave his children? That their Daddy was just a harmless drunk?
I told my husband that his friend was a father and a husband, a great cook, a good dancer and did funny impressions. He was also a talented carpenter, but all anyone seems to remember is he was a drunk.
He tried several times to get sober, and failed. I don't know why. But its too late for him now
The funny thing is my husband made a suggestion to me, we have his wake to go to on Friday night. He asked me if after the wake I would go to the 9PM AA meeting with him, he said we can go for his friend. I told him I would be more than happy to go with him. I guess it beats going to have a drink in his memory.
Jeannie, I can feel your pain and fear. We lost a good friend a little over a month ago, he drove into a tree! I cried as much for him as for the fear for my A (husband) He comes home so bad he can't hold his head up, but drives anyway. He is out right now. It is such a waste. Friend was a great guy too, loved kids, started a wrestling program at the local parochial school. They just planted a tree in his memory last week. He left behind a wife and 2 sons. Nothing can help but HP. XOXOXO
So sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. That was a powerful post as well, "a harmless drunk". Sounds you made an impact on your hubby too, for him to go to an AA meeting instead of going to have a drink in his friend's memory. One day at a time.
Your post touched me very much , I feel your sadness frustration and pain. What a horrible way to leave the planet , and how sad to think that any person, was once an innocent baby can come to such an end *sighs*
My best friend in program is an A w/ 19 years ... she tells me a harsh truth "some of us have to die , so the rest of us can live" ....I do not mean to be harsh , but perhaps the gift your husband's friend left him was "sobering thoughts" I will pray that this tragedy will bring good to those who need it
"some of us have to die, so the rest of us can live"
My husband's best drugging buddy comitted suicide about a year ago. My husband had been sober about a year, and was struggling with it. He had been having suicidal thoughts himself, but this death seemed to bring him face to face with the reality of suicide. It was the first time he had had to face the death of a friend sober, and I think he finally realized how much pain the survivors feel. It's like the sight of his friend's poor choice made clear to him that he has choices too, and he has not talked about suicide since. Your husband's choice - an AA meeting rather than a drunk, shows that he is starting to grow. I'm so glad that you guys are managing to continue with the counseling. It looks like it is helping, even if only a little bit.
Jeanne, thanks for sharing. I'm afraid my husband is also going to leave behind a legacy of being the "town" drunk. He had done so much to make my sons proud of him when he was sober for 15 years as they were growing up. Now my oldest son (28) is trying to figure out where his father went wrong since he (my A) has been drinking steadily for almost ten years now. He doesn't want to end up with my A's attitude and outlook on life. He had a law practice, was active in local politics, president of many community organizations, and made positive contributions. When he started drinking again, he slowly closed his law cases, began drinking on the job, ignoring his responsibilities, and, I am certain, is now known as the "town" drunk. He is at the bar every night. How could someone throw so much away? It is very sad because in my mind's eye, I can see how our life could be if only...I admire you for having hope. Your A seems to be trying to stop drinking. I just don't know what it will take. It is out of our hands. Keep up the great work and wonderful attitude. Love and prayers to you and your family. Annie
