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I have a delema. When I tell my A that he is drinking way too much he slows down his drinking. Almosts stops.When I detach from him and his drinking is when it picks up and gets carried away. I know that I'm supposed to not say anything to him about his drinking and the amount that he is drinking, but when I do things are much better at home. I know what some of you are thinking ...... no he is not sneaking it behind my back, I can tell if he has had just a couple. Any thoughts?????
The concept of detaching is not only for you, but also helps them. By stepping away, they are left on their own to face their disease along with all the consequences to their actions.
By arresting his drinking, he won't ever find his "bottom" on his own. And that's what needs to happen for them to want to stop in most cases.
When you tell him he is drinking too much..that means you are still fully involved in his disease. You are still sucked in and involved in it with him.
You just have to step back and let them fall with no safety net in order to Let go and Let God..
That's my humble opinion anyway...
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hope4, I am living exactly the same life! It seems as if he needs reminded when enough is enough. Of course every one is right, that you will always have to be the booze police, but you have to do what works for you in your life. Right now my policing is what works for us. 2 weeks from now it may not. Go to your HP and then listen for answers. You and HP are the only ones who know what they are.XOXOXO
In my own life ignoring it and waiting for my husband to hit bottom will never happen. His parents are his safety net. They will alwasy tell him he wasn't that bad and always pick him up when he falls.
Being vocal is the only hope I have. I have to tell him when I think it is too much. If I just let time take its course naturally, I would have leave my marriage permanently.
I agree with whatif, you have to do what works for you. Alanon principles are great, but they are guidelines, as they say take what you want and leave the rest.
I have mixed emotions on this topic. I can tell you that when I have to police my a to make sure he doesn't drink I get angry and resentful because I don't want a 3rd child to have to watch after, 2 is enough. My a does sneak the alcohol and I have resigned myself to the fact that I can't control that. The only experience I can share that has been fairly effective is that I have banned drinking at my home. I won't lie he does sneak it but for the most part if he drinks it is away from home. The amazing thing is before he got caught for his DWI and I decided that this was going to be a boundry in my home he was hardly ever home. Now you would think he would never be home because he can't drink there or he has to sneak it there, but amazingly he is home more. NOT alway sober, in fact more often than not he sneaks it before he gets home but fortunetly it has limited the amount he drinks.
I'm not sure whether my boundry is a good boundry or not but it was put in place to control him but now it is there because atleast the kids and I don't have to witness the drinking. I'm not sure if this helps you any. I thought my a had hit his bottom when he got a DWI that took his license away for a minimum of 3 years and he can't get it back unless he convinces 4 people to write noterized letters to his 3 years of sobriety, which obviously isn't happening. So I'm not sure if there is a bottom for him but I pray that if there is it doesn't include hurting himself or someone else.
The only thing I know for sure is that if you aren't happy with a situation it will eat you up inside, so what ever you choose to do be sure that you can live with it.
Sometimes, Hope4, we have to do what works best for us. Al Anon can tell me all day that I must not interfere when my husband drinks. But if he is driving my car drunk, you bet I have a right to say something, and I by God sure will!! Sometimes we have to speak up in order to protect ourselves. If your reminder, albeit a gentle one, slows his drinking for a while, keep reminding him. It may not be a long-term solution, as this is a progressive diesase, but if it makes life a little more bearable for you, go for it! Good luck, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
