The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First of all, thank you to those who answered my posts yesterday and identified with what I had to say and did not think me a horrible wife and monster. That was surely what I was thinking of myself. It is not that fact that I was a new relationship with anyone, it is the fact that I miss the hand holding, dating, fun and intimacy a new relationship brings. My husband and I don't have that anymore. It is not all because of the drugs. Part of it is tiredness, struggling with three kids, bills, working different shifts...I do feel that we are growing apart by the day. I joined a gym at the beginning of the year and lost 27 pounds so far, I am more social and outgoing. I find more men smiling at me, paying me attention and even asking me out. I feel as if I am a completely different person when I am at work. I can be myself and outgoing...fun even. Ideally, I would like to be that person in my marriage as well. instead, I feel as if I must be mom, wife, caretaker, dog groomer, housekeeper, nurse....I envy my single friends who can have a night out and set everything else out of their mind for a few hours.
You're definitely not a "horrible wife and monster" at all. If we were considered horrible for wanting some happiness in our lives..sheesh that would make me the mother of all monsters
I know exactly what you're saying about wanting something exciting in your life, and new is exciting. That's why some people (like me) get such a rush out of shopping. New is new, no history, no baggage.
I find myself wanting a new relationship as well, not for the attention and handholding as much as the companionship, as my hubby and I have almost nothing in common (and when I look back..we never did). He was my first ever boyfriend, when I was age 16, and we've been together ever since. We don't watch the same TV shows (I like news, he likes documentaries and cartoons), he likes the water and fishing..I am a landlubber. I love listening to music, he won't allow it to be played when he's around. Even our parenting styles are poles apart, he is much more hard-nosed and I find myself giving too much to try and make it all balance. I too have 3 kids and am tired, and don't feel I'm giving enough of me cause I'm too busy being the maid/chauffer/nurse/seamstress/etc along with working full time plus.
I work with a single lady however who would give just about anything to be in a longstanding relationship because she's lonely. Go figure. It's funny how we always want what we don't have, and are never completely satisfied with what we do have.
Good going at the gym. I can see why you feel so good physically, 27 lbs is a lot to lose. Keep it up!
Sorry my reply is so long, you really struck a nerve here.
It's nice to know that someone understands. I remember when I was single and wanted to be in a committed relationship/marriage so badly. I still do want that, just not with the man I am currently married too. We have things in common, but it is hard for that to be enough when his addiction takes over absolutely every aspect of our lives. He can't even watch TV shows we both like because he is passed out or hyped up. I think the attention I have been receiving from other gentlemen has opened my eyes to the problems in my own relationship.
There is nothing horrible about wanting to be loved or to made feel special.
I know how it is to hear single friends talking about getting dressed up and going out for the weekend. Then on Monday they are all talking about what they did all weekend. My weekend consists of housework, yardwork, being Moms taxi, changing diapers, cleaning up dog poop, and if I am lucky I get to catch a matinee with my kids. This weekend it was StarWars and a lap full of melted chocolate. Not exactly the things Romance novels are written about.
Sometimes I think about the Islands we used to visit before our kids where born, and before my husbands drinking got really bad. I remember the walks the handholding the dancing and the fun and I get sad when I look at what our marriage has become.
Alanon tells us to take care of oursleves and yes we need to try and make ourselves happy, and detach and try and not let the drinking affect us. But the simple truth when we have kids is one of us has to be responsible. It is one thing to let them suffer the consequenses of their drinking, but we can't allow the children to suffer them. Someone has to make sure the kids are cared for, the house is clean and the bills are paid. Someone has to put food on the table and make sure the kids get the chance to be kids, and the A sure as H%ll isn't going to do it.
I have always felt that while I am married, in reality I am a single parent without the benifits of being single. It is sort of being trapped between two worlds. Married without the loving, affectionate, companionship.
You are not a horrible wife or mother, just very human like all of us. No one should judge you, and you shouldn't judge or be hard on yourself.
I think we would all love to escape a little, and your right, even if it is for just a night.
One little bit of advice, I know we aren't supposed to give it, but here goes.
Be careful, while it is nice to be noticed and appreciated, and you deserve it. And it is nice to turn someones head. Be careful, don't let anyone take advantage of you because you are vulnerable. I'm not telling you what to do, or not to, I wouldn't do that. Just make sure you always do what you want to when you want to, and not because you are sad or lonely. Keep remembering how important you are.
Powerless, I really relate to you lady. I finally got to where I was sat isfied with him no matter what.. and he left to live with mommy.
I too miss my husband. I think about how awful it is to be so alone and how in the H did this happen?
I am a JW so I follow the Bible to the letter and divorce is only ok when there is adultery or they die. So I am very alone. If I could I would do my best to let him go and hopefully find another mate.
Marriage to me is so precious. He is so precious to me. But I am not to him.
Be careful hon. When ya said guys were looking and asking you out. It is flattering but dangerous. I hope you will like you for you and no one else. That is the important thing.
much love,debilyn who has forgotten how it feels to be wanted.
