The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been doing so much thinking over the past couple of months. I have realized that I am not mentally in a position to make any decisions. I have not made good decisions in such a long time. All of my decisions seem to have an ulterior motive. I don't know how to make sound judgements because I feel like I don't know what is right any more. I know I want to change me.
I want to finish school. I want to deal with my past and not just push the feelings aside anymore. I want to be a better mother to my children. I want to be a better friend to my friends. I can't even think about ending or beginning a relationship until I get myseelf in order. I have brought baggage into every relationship I have ever been in. I feel like my thought process is so cloudy and my priorities are a mess. I realized that I need to sit back and write down my hopes and dreams so I can chase them. I have begun counseling. I think that is the largest step.
Thank you again to everyone here that has been so supportive and has listened to me vent and helped me straighten my thoughts nad priorities out. I need the support (and sometimes the kick in the butt!)
Sounds like you are on the right track. I, too, question my decisions. My son told me yesterday that I am missing out on so much by staying with the A (his father). But, I am at the point in my life where I am not looking for "new adventures." I question whether this is a healthy attitude...before I married my A, I was always seeking those "new adventures." After I married him, that abruptly stopped as I settled in to motherhood. Now my children are adults. I know I could definitely use some counselling. Keep up the good work. Stay tuned to your HP. Love and prayers, Annie
I, too, used to live in the reality of not being able to make decisions for myself. I am very blessed to have found Alanon and to have found me again, after so many years of feeling lost.
Today, I make decisions when I have to. Otherwise, I live my life, one day at a time, and take each day for what it has to offer.
My husband and I are currently legally separated due to his alcohol abuse and domestic violence. We would like to one day live together as a family, but who knows.
For me, Alanon helped me put the focus on me and learn to be true to myself. I've learned that my role in life isn't to try to please others, but to do the best job I can. When I put my trust and faith in my HP, it's amazing how "life" just seems to work out.
I used to feel so inadequate as a mother, friend, daughter, and wife. Today, though faith in my HP I feel so much better about what I have to offer. I don't have to be perfect, just myself. Usually, that's good enough.
Keep the focus on yourself. Pray to you HP for guidance and it will come. Give yourself a break when you make mistakes, that's just life. The important thing is that you keep moving and doing what's right for you.
Alanon helped me to step away gradually from a very painful, destructive emotions and feelings--anger, grief, tumultuous situations in my 25 yr. marriage. Doesn't mean I didn't feel the emotions, contrary. We needed an adult time-out, and with alanon I have been able to receive it, and eventually my spouse found AA. We are much more capable of managing our lives now.
Also, do not feel ashamed of wanting to work it out, and then go dating and have fun the next. You are on an emotional roller coaster right now. I felt the same way. I wanted Freedom from it all (but actually it was Freedom from the pain, hurt and grief of the disease of alcoholism mainly). Wanting a handholding boyfriend to relieve my misery was a (escape, fantasy, rebelling, a running away ), comforting, soothing thought. It was also very impulsive to follow through on that thought!
Keep coming back, and try to fit face to face alanon meetings into your life, also. Do not isolate. This disease is too much to deal with alone. There is hope.
