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Our week was going well. Hubby showed up at our sons tennis match sober (he won by the way). Then came back to the house for a few hours to spend time with the rest of the kids.
Last night he came over here right from work, sober again and helped me out a little here. He said it had been over a week without a drink and asked if he could take the little guys for a haircut in the morning. I told him I was leary of letting them go in the car with him. Then I thought about it and said okay, I have to try and trust you, it has been a week. I told him to just bring them right home afterwards and he agreed. I had to leave and pick up our daughters prom dress from the boutique, I had left a deposit on it the night before when she picked it out. He said he can't wait to see it on her, that it sounds nice.
On my way home from the boutique, I decided to stop and show it to him. Well so much for a week sober, he was very drunk. I showed him the dress, said goodnight and left.
When he called this morning to say he was picking up the boys in a few minutes, I told him no. I said he was not taking them in the car with him all hung over.
He said whatever, fine, I will come to the house and you can drive over there. I said okay and hung up. He then called back and said okay if you are driving anyway, why should I go out of my way, I'll just meet you there.
I thought about it and called him back and said, no lets skip it for today, he got an attitude and said fine Jeannie, when there hair is down their back, don't complain becasue you where to lazy to take them. I told him how dare he put the blame on me, that it was his idea to take them, that he is the one who messed up and that I was not going to pick up the pieces and make it easy on him. I said, they are not getting a hair cut because you got drunk last night it has nothing to do with me, and I refuse to take the blame.
His father then called and said he would drive them to the barber. I told him no, I said I was going to let my husband take them, I was trusting that he wouldn't drink, that it was between him and the boys and no one else should make it easier for him.
I called him one last time, and told him that he had messed up last night, and it was over, the boys will get a haircut another day.
I said I had already told our 7 year old that Daddy couldn't take them because he drank last night and Mommy doesn't want them in the car with him. I said I would take them next week. I said I am not going to cover for you, you deal with your own issues. I said our son said he understood and told my husband that apparently he was more mature than his Daddy. I then said you take responsibility for your own screw ups because I won't, I said if your parents want to pick up after you, I can't stop them, but I won't allow it with our children. I then told him that our son had a ball game at noon, I said if you are ready to face him like an adult, and not blame anyone else, you are welcomed to come watch. I told him I loved him and hung up.
He did show up at the game, he said to me okay I screwed up, nothing else. He then told our son, that Daddy messed up and would try harder, and said he was sorry.
He told me he was going to a meeting tonight.
For him this is a big deal, he never accepts blame and never apologizes. He is always looking to dump it on me or anyone else.
I am proud of myself tonight, I didn't fight, or scream and didn't let myself pick up after him or accept any blame.
I invited him to breakfast tomorrow. I guess we will see what happens. Little steps and big falls, but who knows what the future holds.
I am very proud of you, and the big steps that you have taken!! Making the situation clear, and saying the real things keeps us and our partners in the real reality of a situation.
I think that you said, what you needed to say, and then you told him that you loved him. The denial pattern was not there, and you respected yourself, your children, and your partner. I appreciate your post, and you have changed the things that you can change. May God/HP Bless and keep you strong. Have a wonderful day.
You said, at the end, what I was thinking during your whole post, little steps. Rome wasnt built in a day..lol wish that weren't true but seems to be. Good thinking on your part. You also said something similar that I have before...in retrospect I wish I haden't. I believe you love this man...maybe im wrong but you work very hard at him fitting back into the family...thats ok...we all want that. Sometimes I guess I find that we tell our kids things because we want them to "buy in" so to speak with our decisions, for various reasons. Your decision was the right one, I just think that maybe you dont need their approval, hence dad messed up again. Much as its between you and him in respect to the MIL and FIL, I also believe its between you and him, him and son #1 Daughter #2 and so on times six. Those that old enough can draw their own conclusions and those that aren't...well, don't need to deal with having to form an opinion. Jeannie your a smart gal, I think more so than I in many respects. Your decisions are your decisions, they dont need anyones validation. Having said all that I read in alittle hope in your post I also wish to leave with something that I read in another post recently that really hit home with me...It said in essance that "How can you possibly be a winner if it is at the expense of making the person you supposedly love a loser?" Jeannie your post had some hope in it that really made my...I guess morning now lol, hang on friend...I wish the best for ya and those "super athletes you are raising
Splendid Jeannie! I am proud to know if only on this board. You are a gutsy, no-nonsense lady. You have it all! Take care of yourself and those lovely children. What goes around DOES come around. I hope you sleep well at night knowing you are doing your best. Love and caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Mark, you are completely right, I do love him very much, and do want to keep a place for him in this family. It scares me when we move on, and his drinking and parents take so much of him away from us. It hurts that he misses so many landmarks, and we have so many each day with this tribe.
Just this past weekend are preciouse little baby took his first steps, and Daddy missed it. He did not get to see the look of pride on his little face as he toddled around and then fell. I did tell him about it and did invite him over so Conner could show him, but he is angry saying I kept him from being a part of it, and of course his parents are insisting I was selfish and nasty and wanted this all to myself.
My kids are very involved in all their activities, they love their sports and their music and art. It wears me out, but I make sure that they always have a fan in the stands watching no matter what they are doing. I don't want them to ever not have anyone to share their wins and losses with. This is a responsibility and joy we should be sharing, but he normally can't be counted on to show.
He has let the older kids down so many times, that they don't count on him ofr anything. They love him but no they can't depend on him. They tell me often that it is more peaceful when he is gone, and he embarasses them in front of their friends when he is drinking.
Two years ago my older son was getting an award at a dinner. During the season their had been some rivalry between him and another boy. The boys father had grown up with the coach and the coach favored him. A few times my son was upset over it, but he dealt with it, he played harder and won the recognition in spite of the coach. The other boy and his family where at the dinner as well. I sit on some commitees with his parents and they are nice peple. The boys get along and so do we. My husband got drunk and started yelling out comments about the boy being a cry baby, about his dad getting special priveledges for him, and calling the kid really foul names. The boys parents where very civil, they kept quiet most of the time, and my husband kept getting louder. The dad finally politely asked my husband to please be quiet or leave. My son was mortified, and very angry, as was I.
The little ones just want Daddy home, whenever they ask him or his parents why he doesn't live with us, they tell them that Mommy has a problem with her temper and won't let him come home. Then they tell me to please stop being mad and let Daddy come home. It rips me apart, and I get so tired of them putting hte blame on me.
At times I feel so torn. I do want him home, but for the good of everyone, I can't let him. I know the bigger kids are happier when he is gone, and the little ones just want him home. Then there are his parents who do everything possible to keep us all apart and blame me. I guess I figure it I use complete honesty then everyone knows the truth. I kow the little ones are so young for the truth, but I am just tired of being the whipping post, and I am the one who has to deal with their tears and looks of disapointment.
Proud of you, Jeannie for how you handled it. At an open AA, an AA member said "it is very powerful to have a wife in Alanon". He said, "you see, if I wasn't happy, then it was my own doing and nobody else's, and I knew it."
I am so proud of you too!! I would like to thank you for your posts, I get so much wisdome from them and hope that one day I will be able to be as couragous as you are to me.
I see such a strong woman and to do all of the things with your children and the way you interact or react with your husband really does show the sectacular woman that you are!!
Wow Jeannie, you are awesome!! In so many of your posts, I find myself thinking:"Now why didn't I think of that". Your family are very lucky to have you. I'm so sorry your in-laws don't know and appreciate you!! Their loss!!! Sounds like hubby is starting to smarten up!!?? One step at a time.. Love TLC
