The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I find myself in a position in which a former crush of mine and a current attraction of mine have decided to hook up. Both have expressed a willingness to not even pursue anything if it means losing my friendship.
I feel completely miserable and unwanted. It seems to me I can find a lot of trusted friends who think I am great but never a partner. I fear that my last relationship with my ex-A is the last one I will ever have. I am now doomed to always be a "great friend" instead of a "great friend and lover."
Please help. My life feels dark and I am scared.
-- Jessi
__________________
If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
Big hugs!!! It is a terrible feeling to feel unwanted and I too have felt that way. But don't forget that every great relationship is better when a greater friendship is first established. There are many many fish in the sea, I know that probably sounds dumb right now but really there is and I truely don't believe that your relationship with your xA was your last to be and that you are not doomed to just be a great friend. Being hurt in a way that you are right now intensifies feeling that are beneath the surface and just bring them out and sure we feel awful but what we have here on these boards and at alanon is very loving caring people who do understand the pain we are in and give us encouragement and the courage to continue on when we think that things could not possibly get any worse.
I wish I could take your fear away and give you hope and the courage to take from the pain and turn it in to an oppertunity to explore and grow but only you can do that. What I give to you today is my prayers, support and love that I feel for you in a special way to help you through the day.
There is a lot to be said for someone who is a great friend. Good friends are important and help us through the rocky parts in life.
We have no control over who we are attracted to, or who is attracted to us. I have had romantic relationships end, only to gain a good friend out of it, and the friendship is much better than the romance was.
You sound scared and lonely right now. A year after a breakup of any seriouse relationship is not really long at all. It takes time to heal and be ready to truly move on. If you fall into the trap of believing that you will be alone forever, you could be setting yourself up to settle for a relationship that is less than you deserve. Love often finds us when we are not looking for it, and when we are ready for it.
Right now why not enjoy your friendships and concentrate on the relationship that is most important of all. The one with yourself. Give yourself time to move on from your ex and spend time loving and respecting yourself. Get those thoughts of being alone for the rest of your life, out of your mind. Start appreciating how wonderful and deserving of love you are and be strong. Then when the person who truly deserves your love comes along, you will be strong and ready for a truly loving relationship.
In order to truly accept love from someone else, we have to love oursleves.
Hang in there, you deserve to be happy and loved and you will be, just give it time.
