The material presented
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I am feeling so frustrated and angry today. The therapist came again on Friday and husband claimed to be clean for two weeks. I guess he forgot about the week he smoked last weekend and this week. Today I counted my Klonopin (My doctor gives them to me to sleep) and noticed that four are missing. Last month he took ten of them in two days and I had to do without until the prescription was due to be filled. Anyway, I called him and asked him if he took them. (I know that he did) He said no and got angry and hung up on me. I was determined to make him admit it so I called him back and offered him a way out. I said that maybe he took them and "forgot". He admitted that it was possible that he took them and forgot. I know he took them!!!! 1.) He stole my medicine 2.) He stole my paycheck last week 3.) He is still using and lying about it 4.) He knows that I know he is using and he is still lying. Why is it so important to me for him to admit it? He said that I should start hiding them. I shouldn't have to hide things in my own house.
You're right, you shouldn't have to. However, 'should' doesn't have much meaning when you are living with an A. In order to protect yourself, you need to look squarely at reality. He cannot be trusted not to steal your things, when he is in the grips of his disease. I don't know whether it is better for you to leave, or to hide your things, but to keep doing the same thing over and over, and expect different results, is our definition of insanity. You can't force him to change. You are the only one whose behaviour you have power over. You deserve to be taken care of. Since he won't do it, you need to take care of yourself, with your HP's help.
Hiding meds is unfortunately important when there is an A in the house.
I guess I would liken it to having one of those gambling games in the house with a compulsive gambler.
Mine too has taken my meds. I have migraines and used to take narcotics. I would hide them, then when I was sick forget where I hid them!
In alanon we learn to only look at what we do, we stop watching the A's diseases behavior.
For me I stopped even really noticing anything about the diseases bs. Of cours they use and drink, they are A's. It is their disease, it is up to them to do it or not. We don't have to watch them or keep account of them.
The disease is hard enough on them with out us watching them and calling them on it.
They carry more shame and guilt than we ever will. So if we take care of us, and don't react to the disease, it makes it better for both.
Whether they lie or whatever is up to them. If the therapist is ignorant enough to believe them, we cannot control that.
I hid and hide things in the ruffely pants on my country type dolls, lol. Or behind one of my antique ladies hats hanging on my wall.
Once my pot bellied pig found them in my shoe and had them scattered everywhere.
geez this is horrible but once my car was broke on the road. My A's friend left some pills in a cig wrapper on the tire. Well my A did not find out until later. He goes back to the road and is scraping it off the road and taking it. How sick is that?
I know it is hard. But for me I had to change almost everything. I am totally independant of him. All I have with him, is him. The disease cannot take my house or money or car or anything every again. It can take my A however. And it has.
Anyway you are not alone. The more you let go and let hp take care of him, the better you will feel.
This is something that I was just discussing earlier tonight and this is what I was advised to read and want to share with you.
C2C pg 29
Many of us learn the value of self-expression in Al-anon. We discover how we feel and benifit from giving voice to thoes feelings when it seems appropriate. But there's a difference between expressing ourselves and using words to control others.
Sometimes the only way I can determine wheather I'm trying to control someone else or weather I'm simply expressing my feelings is by noticing how many times I say the same thing. If I mention something that is on my mind and then let it go not matter what response I get, I am speaking sincerely. If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control. If I am satisfied only when the other person responds in a way I consider desirable-agress with what I've said or takes my advice-then I know I've lost my focus.
Reminder I am learning to be honest with myself. I will not use my recovery as an excuse to justify my efforts to change other people's thinking. Instead, I will promptly admit such mistakes and put my energy back where it belongs by focusing on myself.
I was unsure of why another member thought that I needed to read this but I did get it!
I had shared that After being sucked back into old habbits and fighting with my husband when I clearly know better, I did let it go and then when he was sober and I had a chance to have a what I thought was a much needed talk. I asked him if he realized that his behavior not only hurt me and our kids but that it really has a negative impact on us more than I think he realizes. I then asked him if he cared about this at all. He simply said YES. I then let it go and the discussion was over.
I only just 6 months ago would have persisted until he opened up and not talked but it would have turned into an awful fight and the weekend would have been spent not talking and egnoring the other. So tonight when I shared It was how then if he realizes that he hurts us so much doesn't he GET IT! Why does he keep doing the things he does????? DUHHH
So even though I let it go with my husband I am still bringing it up in my mind and thinking about it I never did really just let it go as a satisfying answer and that is that, so the reading was really usefull I just had to sit and think about it and quit driving myself nuts about all of the WHY's. Put the focus an me.
I know it is so hard and I feel for you I really do. The things your A has done are thoes things that are so hard to let go of. Hide your things to protect yourself and I know it sucks and that you shouldn't have to but the relief of not wondering where the heck a pay check went or medication went will be better than the fights about it. Concentrate on you, take time for you and it does get easier!!
I completely understand your post and live with the same frustrations. My a is on probation for a DWI and drinks pretty much every day, he's not supposed to drink at all for 3 years to get his license back but he just expects that I will lie for him when it comes time. I am confident that I will not. I have told him if he got clean and sober and stayed that way from now till April of 2007 when he qualifies for his license I probably would go to bat for him, but he hasn't so I won't. It is his problem if he doesn't get his license back and will walk some more and live with that humiliation. I can't make him change but I need to stay strong and not let him off easy.
As far as your a stealing you money and things, I am so sorry you have to go through that, I never had to deal with that large a theft, but I did have to deal with him contantly cashing his own check and taking about 20-30 dollars a week. So I smartened up I got my own checking account, I still need his money but I put in in the joint account and give him a weekly allowance, I am doing everything I can to get myself to a point where I don't need to rely on his check, that way I can relax about money and move on to another problem. My check goes straight to the bank as soon as I get done work, if he is taking it from the mail I would get my own PO Box and then my a couldn't get his hands on it.
I also dealt with the sleeping pill issue and hiding them isn't the answer either. They just look till they find them. It may be a better idea to keep them in you purse, I do that and then lock them in my vehicle at night or get a lock box to keep my personal things I don't want him to have in.
It does really stink to have to deal with their selfishness, and uncaring for what we suffer when they do these things but I guess the best thing to do is to see what works for a solution for you to keep your stuff safe and your money in you pocket. It doesn't help to get frustrated, I know, better to stay calm and find a solution, I know easier said than done, but now that I have a solution I am much happier on those aspects of my life.
Love Ya, Will keep you in my prayers, keep coming back
I know exactly how you feel. I have been married 15 years, have three sons, and am disabled. I am a independant persons and the last five years, I have raised our sons on my own since he is never around, and when he is - well he is drunk, and he is mean and dangerous when drunk. I learned to do things on my own with kids, even took them to the coast two summers ago with him - ( that made him mad and he just could not believe I did it). I take care of the bills, kids and myself. I figured that he did not want to be part of the family then we need to go on with out him. Last year he got two DUI" in a two week period, the first one, he hit two other cars in a parking lot then a ulitity pole that totaled the car, and put him the ER with his chin split to the bone, bruises all over, and a concession. I am sure that is why the cops did arrest him then and there. Well he did couseling, AA meetings, etc, still drinking and lying to me when caught, but since I love him and managed to realized how naive I had been all the previous years about his drinking, and hoped and believed him, I begged the judged in Aug to be lenient due to his job of 23 years and health insurance since I am disable and two of our children are also. The judge gave him two years probation, two years no driving, then two years driving with a monitor on the car, and 700 days of jail suspended, 10 days in jail and 10 days of stil, victims panel, and classes, reduced fine. Well a month later he went drinking with some guys in out of town from work, got back to the boss - Well he lost his job. he managed to find a job in Jan, after me on his butt about it. That last two months where he was caught at probation drunk at his monthly meeting, then put on a monitor that calls the house twice a day and he still drank and was caught by the machine, finally he gets in a 30 day rehab program which I think he did it just not to go to jail since the PO sent his file to the judge who issue warrants for his arrest while was in the rehab where the state picked up 95% of it, he got out, told him about the warrants, took him three weeks to turn himself him, meantime, I found three cans on three different days and confronted him on him. As usual he lied, tried to denied, but our youngest son saw him drink one of them. He went to jail, managed to get the bond reduce, so I posted it, and he saw his PO last week, and you would not believe it! The PO is new and not yet jaded, so since H did the rehab, and did a week of AA and the poor man thinks H is still going and is now in outpatient therapy, the guy is recommending no jail time and to continue probation. I almost said something at the meeting, but I didn't. I just want to scream so much. I have put the house in my name only, gotten a POA from H to do all the bills, do not depend on him for anything any more due to his constant lying, stealing money out of my purse, (had to do the locking it up in the car for months and then hiding the car keys from him) Today he went over to a friend's house who he met in rehab and guess what - he drank over there, and acted like I was dumb when I picked him up and denied it again. I took him to the first outpatient session tonight, and I have not been able to talk to him without just being cold and angry. I am so frustrated, that I just don't know what to do. I have three kids to think about and when he was gone for the 30 days, it was such a relief around here it wasn't funny. I love this man, but I am not sure if I can stay with him any longer, and I know if I leave him , he will end dying a drunk. I love him very much, but I find I really do not want to live this way anymore, and am not sure if I can live with him ending up dead if I leave him. I am just don't know which way to go.
With all of this going on about him, you need to not just take care of your sons, but you as well. It doesn't sound like there is anything left for you.
Alanon will not stop them from drinking, but it helps us to help ourselves. It helps us to keep our sanity while all of this goes on around us.
It just goes to show how strong this disease is, when all of these bad things are going on in his life and he continues to drink, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. It has to be him to do it.
I understand how you feel about him dying a drunk. I know it is not my guilt to own, but that is my biggest fear as well. I am always afraid that if I call it quits my husband will die alone and drunk. The rational part of me says that I will have nothing to feel guilty about, but in my heart I know I will feel the guilt, and feelings are funny things, we can't control them either.
The simple fact is that the guilt belongs to them, and we should not share it. We are not the ones who are doing this, they are.
You where wise to keep quiet to the PO. Any outpatient program my husband has been to has had random testing, so if he is drinking he probably will get caught, but at least it will not be by you speaking out.
Keep coming here, sharing and reading and if at all possible try and get to some Alanon meetings near you. Not for him, but for you, to help you be happy and cope.
Remember to take care of yourself, because you are important.
Remember as well that none of this is your fault, you did not cause it, you can't control it and you cannot cure it.
Thank you for your kind note. Today was a good day, at least for me it was, no fights with him and even though he did not want to go to class tonight, I manage to get him to see that he needed to attend it no matter what. I spoke to him today about what he did yesterday because I just could not talk to him last night with just coming unglued by the anger and frustration I have about this problem. I told him today that if he wants to drink then he can just live by himself, because no matter how much I love him and show him that love, it is not enough, and that I know he loves me and kids, but I and the kids can not continue to live this way. I told him I can love him as much as I do whether he lives with us or lives across town by himself, but I was going to live my life as I wanted to and not be dictated by his problem any longer, and it is his decision whether he drinks or not. I told him he had a week to find a job, and get his stuff together. He was not shock, but I think he realized I was totally serious about him moving out if he wants to drink and not get sober. I told him he has already lost his career, and his oldest son is so angry with him that it take a long time and great deal of effort to patch that relationship up, and our middle son who is a Down's child - well I am sure he is aware of the problem, but he chooses to live in his world, but our youngest son is only 8 years old and he looks up to my H like he is a god and as all little boys do. I told my H that he sets the example as to what a man is and does with our little boy and he will be the one hurt the most if I have to have H move out and he ought to think really hard about this. It was a quiet day, I found out today that I did not have breast cancer, which I was really worried about. So I came home and talk to my H, and then took him to a job interview, and then came home and went for a bike ride with my littlest one. I brought a three-wheel bike a week ago, due that I have an amputed right leg below the knew, and with my MS I have terrible balance. Well I can tell you I can out bike my yougest and I wanted to have this happen since this summer my oldest son will be working for the first time and my middle son goes to a center four days a week to work on his living skills and to have friends. So it will be just me and the little one. I did not know about this site until the other day when one of my H's counslors told me about it. It is easier to come here and read and talk to other people than try to attend a meeting especially with me being the one with a car and driving privilages. Thank you for support.
I love him very much, but I find I really do not want to live this way anymore, and am not sure if I can live with him ending up dead if I leave him. I am just don't know which way to go. 