The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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level.
I was shocked when I told my A sister that I went to Alanon and she was so mad at me! She has admitted to being an A and has gone to 2 AA meetings and was sober for about 2 weeks, but then went back to it and had a bad drunk in front of her kids and friends, etc and is now very upset, ashamed, etc.
I went to Alanon because I wanted to help in anyway that I could. I have only been to one face to face meeting but I thought that I had a better understanding of what to do and not to do. I called her on the phone and she said that she was in a bad mood and didn't want to talk about her drinking. I told her that I went to Alanon and that I would not talk to her about it unless she wanted to. She wanted to know what Alanon was and I told her. She got really mad and wanted to know why NOW did I go. We had an alocholic father, my husband has drinking issues, etc. The reason that I went at this time in my life is because I see alcohol ruining my sisters marriage, relationship with her children and her health (doctors have told her that she MUST stop drinking, she has liver damage already at 41 years of age).
Why was she so mad? I thought that she would at least be neutral about it. She has admitted that she has a problem and says she wants to change her behavior. I thought I could gain knowledge and be able to interact differently with her to possibly help her.
I ended up telling her that I didn't go just for her, that I went because of our father and my husband and then she calmed down.
Can others share their experiences with the reactions they got when there A found out about Alanon? What should I have done differently? Thanks!
I no longer go to face to face meetings because a) they're only on Fri nites, and mostly b) my A would throw a fit if I did.
But, if I went, I would be going for ME, ME, ME...they will do what they want, and I would love to be supportive, but they have to seek their own help. After all these years, I have been so affected by the disease. Lighten up on trying for their sakes...I hope you continue your meetings, as I miss mine so much. They will help you keep the focus on yourself, and to learn what is your business and what is theirs.
Take what you want here and leave the rest. Face to face meetings would be such a gift to me, that I hate to see somebody not go when they can do so.
hi, belong is right. Alanon is for us. It is for we who have and love alcoholicx in our life.
What it does is help you to know what to say to the A for one thing. It also would help you to understand the A's in your life.
When you work the program, you will not worry about the A. You will be concerned but you will know how to deal with those feelings.
My A told me Alanon is an alcoholics worst nightmare. The A or addicts disease wants allies to enable its insidious behavior. When we work the program, we stop fighting, we stop being co dependant, we learn all the tricks of the A and how to avoid them.
Your sister being in her position is not your problem. Your worrying and wanting to help are not going to help. We learn in Alanon to take care of us, and to love the person and know the disease controls them. We learn to separate ourselves from the disease.
My husbands disease has done it all to me. But after so many one days at a time with alanon I love my A so very, very much. I hate the disease. So I can be around my A and do my best not to even focus on if he has drank or used something else.
That is his problem, I have no control over that.
Getting Them Sober is a wonderful book. It has helped so many of us. It is easy to read.
Welcome to alanon. I am always so so happy when someone takes the step and comes to alanon. Shows how much you care.
You can tell your sister, and quite truthfully, too, that you do not go for her, but for yourself. With all the alcoholics you know, it is not possible that their disease has not had an impact on your life, even if you are not aware of it. Just the fact that you are asking what you should have done differently shows the effect of alcoholism on you - we are so used to taking the responsibility for their actions, and not for our own, that we accept them telling us where we can and can not go, and end up lying (or 'fudging' the truth) in order to calm them down. Please understand that I am not passing judgement on you by saying this - I was another one who went to alanon at first in order to support the A in my life. "I" didn't have a problem, no, the problem was all his, I was just being the supportive 'good' wife, that years of living with him had trained me to be. It was only after some time that I realised how much I had allowed this disease to undermine my own confidence and sense of myself. Please, give the meetings six months. If you don't find that you have been helped after that time, we will happily refund all your misery!
Welcome, and I am happy that you are here with us.
I remember that when I started going to Al-Anon meetings no one in my family was happy about it. I decided in the beginning that I would go to meetings to find some solutions to get my sons to stop drinking. That never works, because I came to understand that the only person that I could change was myself. When we change our attitudes and our own behaviours that is when other family members start to change. It is like little miracles all around us that happen.
I think that it was a good idea to let your sister know that you were attending meetings, and in time you may want to mention to your sister that it is a family disease, and that we are all affected by the disease.
If you decide to go to meetings, do it for yourself first. In attending meetings we learn to find a quality of life that we have never had before. We start to change slowly at first, and that is why we call it progress, and each step that we take brings us closer to finding happiness. You are giving yourself the greatest gift possible when you attend meetings. Your HP is with you, and is guiding you to see the way. Keep the faith, and all will go well.
I can definitely relate to this one. I still have not gone to a f2f meeting yet-- I'm benefitting tremendously from the online meetings though and plan on going to some f2f as well. My A got very upset when he first learned I was doing Alanon. He thought I was doing it to spite him and I was just trying to figure out more ways to control his drinking. When I explained it a little better to him, he was more understanding, but very sad. He was sad that his drinking has affected the relationship so much that I go to counseling and online Alanon meetings because of him. He went on for days about how badly this upset him and how sad it made him, but he is still in very strong denial about his problem and how he wants to go about fixing it. (he wants to use a controlled drinking approach so he can "fix" his problem so he can drink again in the future "normally") As frustrating as this is, I know that I can't fix it for him, I can't make him think differently and I can't control the problem. That is why I am here!
When I first reached out to alanon I was a reaving lunatic to my husband and my kids. My life was so out of control!!! I phoned the alanon number for my area and cried for help and information. I was terrified that when my husband would find out and then the s*** would hit the fan, I walked on egg shells!! I began to go to f2f meetings not telling my husband where I was going just that I was going out. One night after returning from a very excuiting and eye opening meeting the fear was gone and I just told him where I had been going. I was sure to let him know that it had nothing to do with him and that it was for me entierly ME!! "Its not about you its about me" Well to my amazement he said to me that he did notice a change that I haven't been so Bi**** and that he didn't care what I was doing. I am very greatfull that he didn't fly off the handle. Now the only day that my husband ever comes home is on my meeting night. Thank you HP!! I hope that me sharing this does help and I truely wish that your A's come to an understanding that it is for you and your sanity!
Most A's are not happy about Alanon. Alanon can help stop the cycle because we will no longer feed the insanity,(at least not as often). They thrive on the game, they are not looking for it to end.
Don't go to Alanon for your sister or your husband or father, go for you. This program is about you, no matter what they do.
While we all hope for the day that our loved one finds sobriety, Alanon is not about their sobriety, but our sanity.
Keep coming here and keep going to meetings, but don't look for your sisters support, at least not right now. A's are basically selfish, they are not looking for the focus to be on us, they think it should be all for them.
I'll simply echo what others have said. AlAnon is for YOU!! Not your husband or your sister or anyone else. Their HP will take care of them. You must get tight and together with YOU, and learn how to handle your feelings and emotions in such a way as to not continue to harm yourself no matter who is drinking or who isn't. Please go back, and this time go for yourself and your peace of mind.
With great caring and concern, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I thought too that my husband would be mad. So I framed it very carefully .... and truthfully: saying first that "something that I have not reacted well too...and that I have to explore and learn to deal with without getting depressed is your fondness for a beer...or two and to that end, I am going to a meeting tonight to determine where exactly am I at with this...and why, and how can I react better."
I got a bit nervous when he responded, "But what's the 'meeting?' Is it about me? Did I miss a memo?” and I replied, “no honey. It is a group of people that feel someone elses drinking is affecting their lives. it is not about you at all. this is all about me and how I deal with it."
Why are you trying to make sense out of anything your addicted sister says or does. Addiction to drugs like alcohol is chaos at best and if you could make sense out of chaos it would not be chaos.
What Richard has said brings up another aspect of it, which I was thinking of - A's are very good at sending up smoke and mirrors, so that the focus will be on something other than their drinking. Anything to deflect attention from their problem, and somehow make it all about YOUR problem, and somehow, all the blame goes to you. If you can learn to recognize this, and ignore it, your life will be much more peaceful
