The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I got a chance, before my a took off for the day with someone else and got drunk, to talk to him and tell him that I didn't believe he was a bad father but that he needed to realize that we really need him around and not to be drunk and annoying. I got to tell him calmly some of the times that annoy me, of course he left, came back and did the things that annoy me, but not quite as bad as normal. Anyway I am frustrated because if I wanted a 3rd child I'd have had one. He really is a good man, and a good father, all the lessons he is teaching aren't the best but neither are the ones I am teaching all the time. I have terrible follow through. I have good ideas like chores for rewards and so on for the kids but my follow through to be sure they are keeping up their end of the bargin isn't there. I feel very lazy, I don't want to do house work or any other work. I do it out of necessity but I really do as little as possible. I don't like that about myself and it rubs off on my children. Unfortunately I have identified the problem but it doesn't seem to encourage me to change. I'm one of those people that tries something once and if it doesn't work I don't try again.
I want to learn to be more persistant in my own recovery but I feel like I might as well be trying to run my a's life because I listen to myself just as well as he does. That is what frustrates me the most. Not changing what I know I should.
Are you sure you wereen't writing about me? I tend to give up onmyself as well. I, too, am great at coming up with wonderful ideas, but lack the follow through. I mentioned this to my husband one day and he went on to list all of the things that I DO do. It was quite an impressive list. I felt that he surely must be discussing someone else (Like his mother). I thought about it and he was right...I do more than I give myself credit for and I am sure that you do as well. When things are going our way or we can't fix the one thing that needs so badly to be fixed (our addict) we tend to think that we aren't doing enough and sometimes feel lazy. I am sure you are doing great.
Ease up on yourself. I think all of us tend to believe we should be able to do everything all of the time for everyone. We can't and we aren't supposed to.
Unless you are Mrs Clean, most of us do not love housework. I never heard anyone call it houseplay. We do what we have to so our families are clean, comfortable and healthy. I know I try any product that will offer me an easier way to get the job done. I love those little wipes in a canister. I have always said if anyone wanted to give me a wonderful gift it would be a cleaning service. I have 6 children and they joke often about the Brady Bunch, I always tell them it isn't fair. I don't have an Alice.
I would much rather work on my lawn and gardens than do housework, especially in the spring. So I do the heavy cleaning and we divide the upkeep chores between us all.
A pile of dirty laundry will still be there tomorrow, but a day in the park with my little ones might be rained out tomorrow.
Don't be so hard on yourself, doesn't sound like you are lazy at all, just not perfect, and guess what? None of us are.
I feel very lazy, I don't want to do house work or any other work. I do it out of necessity but I really do as little as possible. I don't like that about myself and it rubs off on my children. Unfortunately I have identified the problem but it doesn't seem to encourage me to change. I'm one of those people that tries something once and if it doesn't work I don't try again.
just a thought Holly, maybe you have some depression??
Anyway when my A was quite sick last year I found myself paralyzed.
I could not do anything.
Even taking a shower seemed a chore
Then he quit drinking for 5 months.
For some strange reason I had energy to tackle the projects that had been insurmountable before
my whole perspective changed.
I could not figure out why I had not done more for the last 7 months (while my A was active)
the perspective from 10 months of alanon (off and on) is that I was so busy coping with the insanity of his drinking, his harsh words, his broken body, trying to fix what was not mine to fix.......
That I could not live.
Today I live
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Thanks everyone for responding and you are right I am hard on myself.
I just want to do the best I can for my kids and when I can't teach them to be responsible for cleaning up after themselves I look to myself to figure out why?
Kids by nature do not ussually like chores. I have a 14 year old girl who would use her floor as a closet if I let her. She leaves a trail of her things wherever she goes. I yell after her, hey mouse, do ya think you could pick up your droppings.
Argueing with them about chores is a losing battle, and so is bargaining with them, I tend to give in to easily. I have found that telling them the truth works best. They want me at their games, playing lifeguard out by the pool, and they want to go to the park, beach or have their friends over. I told them, I am not supermom, I cannot take care of everything at this house and still be free to do all of the things you want us to do together. If you want me freed up you have to help. I tell them that we can't go anywhere if the house is not at least somewhat clean, and we have clean clothes to wear.
Now they do help, they want to go places and do things so they do the things they have to in order for it to be possible. The little guys are responsible for feeding the animals and picking up the toys. I set up shelves in the nursery with every day labeled. On Sunday my older daughters and I do the little ones laundry and put the clothes for the whole week on the shelf with that day. It taught them to recognize the days of the week and my 4 and 7 year olds can get themselves dressed each day. Saves us from scrambling around to pick out clothes each day. My older son is 18, he helps drive the younger kids around and runs errands for me, and everyone helps with babysitting while I am at work or meetings ect.
It is not that they are extremely responsible, they are good kids, but they are working towards a goal. We are all in this family together and to make it work everyone has to do their share. Don't get me wrong, if we have something to do and my 14 year olds room still looks too bad, thats what doors are for, I just close it, and deal with her later.
Don't just look to yourself, look to all of you, you are a family, and if Mom is overworked, no one is happy.
I tend to give up onmyself as well. I, too, am great at coming up with wonderful ideas, but lack the follow through. I mentioned this to my husband one day and he went on to list all of the things that I DO do. It was quite an impressive list. I felt that he surely must be discussing someone else (Like his mother). I thought about it and he was right...I do more than I give myself credit for and I am sure that you do as well. When things are going our way or we can't fix the one thing that needs so badly to be fixed (our addict) we tend to think that we aren't doing enough and sometimes feel lazy. I am sure you are doing great.