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It has been quite a while since I have posted last and a lot has happened. These past 2 weeks have been the worst.
My husbands job had a fire in the area where he worked resulting in a lay off for a few days which turned into a drinking binge for him. I am now working nights until the new guy is trained and that has put a strain on the relationship. Anyway, one night he drank and we fought. Same old stuff and I was reacting and telling him off. My brother came over and that caused more problems. My family doesn't like my husband, due to me telling how terrible he is with drinking, and my A knows that. My husband says I place my family in front of him.
Well, the straw that broke the camels back for me is when my husband was so drunk he peed on himself in the bed. I left him there in his own urine and I went to sleep on the couch. The same thing happened the next night and then the 3rd day I asked for a divorce and asked him to leave.
My husband knew that in order for him to have a good relationship with his daughter, he needed to stop drinking or die. The job he was at didn't help his drinking either, due to all the stress and pressure.
My husband took the first step to recovery and called the doctor. I took him there and met with the doctor also and he put him on Campral and some kind of anxiety drug. Then he made an appointment for a psychiatrist. My husband agreed. He has been alcohol free since Thursday. He also starts a new job on Monday in a very good furniture factory.
I am still leary and am taking things one day at a time. I told him I would also me with the psy. and talk. We have many many issues to work out and my marriage may or may not work. But this is the first time in all my married life that he has been completely alcohol free. I cannot control what he does. He will have to want it to do it.
We did have a nice day yesturday. We got some lunch and had a picnic in the park and took a nice walk hand in hand. I haven't told him that I love him yet. I'm holding that back. I do care about him, but still guard my heart.
I am praying to God for guidence and am listening to Him.
My question - should I place my husband above my family? I am very family oriented. My family isn't perfect and I can't control what they do or how they look or act, but I love them.
Any thoughts on marriage and family? My husband and I have no children.
my advice comes from the bible. i dont know what religion you are but this is what i believe. you and your husband are "one flesh", according to the bible, your spouse is your number 1 priority, even over your children. i have to keep telling myself that everynight too, every night after 5pm when happy hour starts and my husband starts his drinking after work. i am very happy for you that your husband is geting help. i pray everynight for a miracle like that for me. and i know that if my husband doesnt stop, when our kids grow up they will feel about him the way i feel about my A-father and i dont want that for him. good luck and i hope everything turns out for you.
I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I too am family oriented. It was how I was raised. I confide in my mother alot here lately. My A husband gets mad and says I'm sqwuaking, my feelings oh well get over it. I have every right to talk to/confide in whoever I see fit to do so with. If he has a problem with that then thats it, its his problem. I will not alienate myself from my family, they have been there for me when no one else has. Although the current situation saddens my mother she supports me in what ever decision I make. Oh course I don't tell exactly everything, but when I need someone to talk to I know she is there for me. You have to do what you feel is best for you and you only. That is the most important thing.I wish you the best in all this.
I know that the bible says I should leave my mother and father and cleave to my spouse. My spouse is my family!
I too confide in my family - but maybe a little too much for my own good. I have told everyone that I was going to leave my husband and never did. I also said that statement when those 3 days of hell happened. Now I feel like the boy who cried wolf too many times.
Do I leave my husband to satisfy my family and friends or do I stick it out and see what happens? I too am confused. I talk too much.
The only one in my family that listens without judging is my older sister who is involved with Al-Anon. She tells me to take what I want from her conversations and throw what I don't want away. She isn't there to tell me how to live my life or what's best for me.
My brother on the other hand can drive me to drink! NOT!!! Just to strangle him. LOL He has always been demanding and tells everyone how to live their life, but when someone tells him, he flips out. I can only stand so much of him and then I don't see him for months.
My parents don't like Todd for what he does, but they really don't know him either. That is my fault too.
It certainly wouldn't hurt me talking to the psy. Thanks for all your help and support. I will keep you posted.
Something to keep in mind, when thinking about what an A has said - if there is a way to blame you for their behaviour, they will do it. If my husband accused me of putting my family over him, I would certainly think about it - he may be right. If I really felt that I was not, though, I would not let his bs alienate me from people I love. One thing that alanon can help you with is learning to trust your own decisions, and your own feelings. This is hard for most of us, as we have spent so much time being lied to and blamed for things that are not our fault. A's are masters of smoke and mirrors - they will latch onto something and make a big issue of it, in order to deflect attention from thei own behaviour. I am not saying that this is what your husband is doing, but it might be. Take an honest look at your own behaviour - How would you feel if the situation were turned around and HE was doing with his family what he accuses you of doiing with yours? If there is some part of what you are doing that needs to change, you can change that part, without changing everything. If there really is nothing wrong with your behaviour, then trust yourself, keep getting love and support where you can.
Deb, I guess I read the posts and I am sad about how hard it is for us to learn that it is the disease not our A that hurts us.
People with alcoholism don't choose it. I mean if something you ate or drank made you pee the bed, lose your children, the love of your wife and other family and friends, would we keep doing it?
My friend asked me well why can some people stop drinking? My thoughts are some people have a better foundation. I would bet a lot of A's who have a lot of time sober had a time to know what normal is.
I mean my A NEVER has lived a normal life. Even when he is sober, he has NO idea what normal is.
Took me over a year to really know that the disease and my A are two different things. I feel the disease kidnaps my husband and takes over. Sometimes he gets out.
There is no question to me that he is still there somewhere. Sometimes he is gone for so long I honestly think and say, well all that is left is a shell now. Then he, for who knows why, breaks out and there is my husband again.
So for me, I just love him all the time now. I feel empathy for him the same as if he had cancer.
It frees you more and more as time goes by and you are living alanon. The love is stronger and stronger. Or you get the courage to leave and you start another life with out your A. It is a personal choice.
I did leave him when my kids were growing up. We did not see him for over ten years.
But then we got married and it is just him and me. Now my kids understand what makes me stay. They are learning thru me.
I hope you forgive the ugliness of the disease. My a sometimes won't bathe, I will tell him you will feel better if you take a shower, or hey ya want to take a shower so I can do the wash..
My mom died of cancer and towards the end some icky behaviors happened that I did not think twice about cleaning up and was glad she loved me enough to feel she could ask me. I did not love her, or respect her any less.
Society is so crappy towards A's. I mean it is a disease, insurance covers all kinds of rehab and detox. Yet most doctors and hospitals have NO clue what to do with an A who is detoxing, and most doctors who try to help A's discharge them as patients if they relapse!! crimany relapse is part of the dang disease!
We cannot find a doctor who will look past the disease and treat my A for this horrible tinnitis he suffers from. Or the horrible headaches he gets from the brain tumor surgery. rrrr
Sorry blabber mouth here. I hope I helped in some way.
quote: Originally posted by: debalina36 " My question - should I place my husband above my family? I am very family oriented. My family isn't perfect and I can't control what they do or how they look or act, but I love them. Any thoughts on marriage and family? My husband and I have no children. "
Hi Deb,
I will tell you how I feel and how I was raised. My husbands family and I fight about this often as they believe they are his family and the kids and I should come second to them.
Your husband is your family. He is your partner in life, and the person you vowed to place above all others until death do you part.
The bible says a man shall leave his mother and cleave un only to his wife.
I love my parents and my sister, but my family is my husband and my children, I will always be there for my Mom and Dad and my Sister and her family if they need me, and they are a part of me, but my husband and my children come first, they are the very life of me, and come before all others.
This is just how I feel and I am sorry if I answered a little strongly, but this issue has been one that is front and center in my life at this time, since I have very meddling In-Laws who insist that my husband is there son and his siblings brother and I am "just" his wife, not really family.
I am so happy for you that you can have this experience, hopefully you can concentrate on yourself and really gain what you need to have a great and peacefully life with or without your a.
Just out of curiousity what is Comprel that the doctor put your husband on anyway, never heard of it?
Glad you are here and keep coming back you are doing great.
quote: Originally posted by: debalina36 " I haven't told him that I love him yet. I'm holding that back. I do care about him, but still guard my heart. "
If you do love him, don't keep it to yourself. If it is in your heart, you are not guarding your heart by keeping it there, as you still feel it, but did not share it.
Love can hurt but true love is not hurtful, it can only offer a person unmeasurable support.
I am careful to tell the people I love how much I do every day. Too often I have lost someone without having the opportunity one last time to tell them I love them. No matter how angry I am at my husband I tell him often how much I love him, also telling him occasionally that I do not like him very much right now, but do love him. I tell my children, dozens of times a day, and my parents every time I talk to him.
Someone told me a long time ago, to treat each parting like it was the last, and always remember to tell the people i love how much I do.
Hello , glad u posted here , don't let anyone make u choose between a family and spouse. It is possible to have a reltaionship wth your imediate family without your husb present. and the best way to do that is to stop telling your family what is going on at home, should your hsb ever decide to seek sobriety it will be very diff for him . Explain that you are gettig help from Al-Anon and that u choose to stay in the relationship ask them to support your decission . Talk to people who understand Al-Anon members , and just enjoy yor day with your family with out talking about him.
A's often like to isolate thier spouses , for your sake don't let that happen. Go to f2f meetings as often as possible make new friends and accept hubby just as he is. you cannot chnge him but there is alot u can do for yourself. As u learn to set boundaries with family and husb. your life will get better. good luck Louise
