The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We were supposed to spend the day together. My A and I. I always get such high hopes. This morning we worked in the yard weeding, planting. One small dispute over dumb stuff. Plant placement and where to put weeds. I said I need to take a walk and I just strolled around the house. Came back in a few minutes and things SEEMED ok. We came in and I had a little paper work to do and he said some computer work. An hour and a half later I went upstairs and he was wrapped in a blanket watching TV. I said hey I thought this was an us day, he said you were busy. But he never came downstairs to see what I was doing. We had a discussion about what I think this day was for, he came accross the room and was rubbing my shoulder, and when I looked up he was engrossed in the Tv, it could have been the dog he was touching for all the more attention he had for me. So I went to shower, cried some and got myself together. He showered and we were getting ready to go get something to eat. We had been talking about trying to go away in June. When I said there is only one weekend available he said can't do taht because of work. So I left it go and we left the house. 20 minutes into the drive he hasn't said a word. I said what is wrong with you? He told me that we had already had SO many run ins today that he thought best not to say anything at all.I was just shocked, he thought those couple little things were RUN INS. I tried to tell him that I had let go the scheduling problem. which I had when he told me can't I didn't say another word. But he just blew up, said I am sick of this TALKING about everything. Then I burst into tears and he turned the car around to come home aong with some swear words. I was crying os hard I could hardly get to the house. He stormed in and got his briefcase and said he was going to the office for an hour. Said that I should get hold of myself and when he comes back NO talking. By the way this is all sober.After he left I cried until I threw up. Then I cied some more and begged GODS help. I can't stop crying,I must have been sitting here for almost an hour trying to type this. I am so lost and I think our marriage is so lost and I love him so much I just want us to be good.
I do relate. Isn't it weird how when we "plan" something with an A it can blow up?
Things can go along and be fine then POW! There is that tight, whats wrong kinda bs.
For me, I learned relationships are like a roller coaster, really. Things will be up and ya feel the love so high and it is so nice. Then next thing ya know he or you are crabby and ya have a tiff, ya make things bigger than they are.
It is true, it is not usually the simple stuff that is making ya feel so uncomfortable.
As I read your post I saw "supposed to be...." it was like there were expectations and it was not natural. I saw you felt left out, I saw that the humor was gone. I know this stuff, I mean I have done it.
If my A was rubbing me and watching tv, now, I usually pull my shirt up and say hey rub these... hahaha i mean it, it is easier to make light of it.
NO see he was rubbing you and watching tv. My a and I sat in a double recliner for years and held hands and intertwined legs etc. Plus a dog or two or cats or pot bellied piglet would be with us too. He was with you. It was your pretty head that made it negative.
He was home with you. I love it when my A is here puttering around. He will be out burning and I will be doing something else but we felt together. But I do relate to the way you felt too. I found humor seemed to fix it and also changing how "I" looked at things was key.
I used to pull him onto the bed and say just hold me a second. Or grab his hands and put them where I needed them. I also would move his lips with my hands and say I love you.
It is part A and it is part human!! Part "MAN." haha We cannot read each others minds.
I cannot tell you how many times my husband and I had those quiet times. I finally got so I would rather go out alone than have him with me.But as I got more comfortable with his quietness, it got better.
Maybe some of it is A's cannot trust their own feelings. I mean they are one person drunk, another sober, another hung over, another sick. Seems like it would put them in a strange space to have to plan to do something. I don't know!!
i know I like me becuz I am pretty oatmeal...haha I like that I know I will basically be the same idiot every day.I know I will feel love for my home and animals, I will see the red tailed hawk in the tree and get out my binoculars and watch it, next thing I know I am watching my own animals with them!! lol its like a movie of my own animals.
I guess I lightened up. He was so heavy that I lightened up. I guess it is a change me thing.
So I would forget the past bs and pretend nothing felt wrong. I pretended. And it works. I still do this.
The A wakes up, and is still not "normal" something I have learned they long for.
Anyway go put a rubber snake under his pillow or go get some fun undies, or go get some body paint...that is fun!! Most men are boys wanting to play anyhow. So have some fun!!
I am not negating your feelings at all. Been there. But you sound like you want from him, I found the best way is to give and sit back and appreciate when the scoundrel finally gets it once in awhile...
Thanks Debilyn, That's the first smile I've felt all day.You are right I feel like I need a lot lately. It just now dawned on me that the more he is drinking the needier I am Guess it's time to find a fix for that. You would think after 20 years I would know all of this. Sometimes it just takes seeing through some else's eyes.I love my animals too and also run for the binoculars, we had a pair of red tailed hawks for 4 days last summer then they were gone. I'm going to bed now and sleep peacefully. XOXOX to you
i adore , respect and admire Debilyn AND her recovery ... though i must confess i have a different perspective on this
i lived like this too ... for years .... i loved my A more than i loved myself ... i lived for him .. and thought that was what i wanted ... so I did it
i walked on eggshells ... i lived on the Ferris Wheel of up and down .. as he was Jekyl and Hyde...and I was mad about the good parts of him
in our case .. he was sober a year, a dry drunk for another 8 , and then went back to full blown alcoholism ... and violence
i ended up nearly dead at my own hands from the depression , anxiety and desperation this situation caused
i chose to ask him to leave ... i admit i wish i could have hung in there , i never wanted to be divorced ... even now , i have to work HARD to avoid the "what if " and "if only" tricks my mind wants to play on me
i guess i just wanted to validate your feelings , by saying that I would have felt the same way ... i was terribly lonely IN my marriage at the end of it
now i am on a path that I hope is set out for me by my Higher Power .. and i wont lie , it is the hardest path of all the ones I have walked
i have to use every tool of the program i can think of each and every day to get through it
i will pray that you find the serenity peace and love you deserve , in the way and place you wish to have it
I truly understand how hard it is to want that time with my a, when he is sober I want it to last forever. I am little less concerned about having a full day together though. Right now it is hard for us to spend an hour together without running out of things to talk about. Things that I know aren't hot topics, so the hot topics come up and we end up mad at each other. So I cherish when he is just home, either playing with the kids, working around the house and human to talk to. These times are usually short lived for me because he is always using this time to plan on how he is going to get away and drink since he isn't allowed to drink at home.
All I can suggest is don't be so hard on you or him, I realize how hard it is for us not to set ourselves up for a fall. I am a planner, so it is hard for me to live like he does on the fly. But I am slowly realizing that if I keep planning he will just keep disappointing me. So for now I guess we are stuck with taking what good moments we can get from our a. Maybe you and I both should write done in a journal any moment we have with our a that was nice so we can hold onto that moment longer. I'm not sure myself what to do with the rest of the moments but try to take care of you so that you don't hurt so bad when the bad moments happen.
You are right I feel like I need a lot lately. It just now dawned on me that the more he is drinking the needier I am
Guess it's time to find a fix for that. You would think after 20 years I would know all of this. Sometimes it just takes seeing through some else's eyes.I love my animals too and also run for the binoculars, we had a pair of red tailed hawks for 4 days last summer then they were gone. I'm going to bed now and sleep peacefully. XOXOX to you