The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'd like to know how I am supposed to make boundries for a 33 year old a? I have noticed some changes in him, he used to spent every single day at his buddies garage getting drunk. This let to an affair and a DWI. He spent so much time away that the kids didn't even notice when he wasn't home. Since his DWI and the ending of the affair shortly after, he has spent a lot more time at home. The one boundry I have been able to maintain is that there is no drinking in this house. Ok he sneaks it but I don't see it and most of all the kids aren't constantly confronted with his need for alcohol. Anyway, he has been getting done work around 5 and starting to go back to the friends garage atleast 2 times a week. I explained to him this morning that that was unacceptable. I told him that he hasn't exactly been trustworthy in the past and that his going there isn't helping. I also told him we don't appreciate the person we get when he comes home, the annoying drunk that doesn't shut up and when he does he passes out. Anyway I told him that if he starts going there all the time again he was going to come home and find his stuff outside.
I do mean that in a way, but my follow through has sucked, I need his paycheck each week and I don't really want him to go. When he is sober I really do enjoy it and find the old feelings start to come back. The problem is he is drunk before I feel safe enough to show my love for him. So I'm not sure what I am capable of and what I am not. Anyway I probably know the answer to my own question. Say what you mean! Problem is I do mean it when I say it but when it is time to back it up I start to waiver.
Anyway I guess what I want to know is what have others done to get themselves to a place where they can trust that they will follow through with the boundries they have set. Guilt and fear free.
Hi Holly - Don't be too hard on yourself. Before Al-Anon we've all threatened and found we couldn't follow through.
I used to leave and tell him I wouldn't be back only to wait for him to come and get me.
After Al-Anon I stopped this. I made boundaries I could keep - like I refused to put myself in danger by riding with him when he was drinking. I either took my own car or kept the keys and did the driving. If necessary I asked someone to take me home or took a cab.
I stopped staying home because he wasn't able to go out and I refused to argue.
I stopped keeping his supper for him. If he didn't come home I threw it out. I did tell him I would do this when I knew I had enough courage to follow through.
After 5 years in Al-Anon I was able to tell him I would no longer live this way and if he drank again I would leave for good. I knew I could do it - and did when 6 months later he drank.
Keep coming back and sharing - it will get better as you practice your program and your anger will be at the disease, not the person.
Love in Recovery - Dot ((((((((((((Holly)))))))))))
Hi, Holly. I certainly have said a few times for him to get out or I wanted a divorce, but then the next day, when he was sober, I couldn't follow through. I thoroughly meant it at the time. You are right about having to put up with the A and listen to the "talking" after they have been drinking and you are sober. I know that is not my husband, whom I love, that is talking. He just doesn't get how he destroys the beauty of his soul because of his drinking. So I leave the room and go about my business. Sometimes he gets mad, but that is his problem.
His pension and ss help pay the bills. You are young. If he had continued to drink after we had our family, I do believe I would not have taken it. He stopped drinking when my oldest son was around 4 but started drinking again 15 yrs. later. You will know when the time is right. Keep coming back and posting. Take care of YOU and your children. Love and blessings, Annie
I found that in order to stick to stick to the bouandaries I had set, I had to set smaller boundaries. The biggest thing I am working on now is to stop arguing with him, stop trying to reason with him... It is very dificult. I hope you keep coming back.
