A called me. He had hocked his telecaster. A very expensive antique like guitar.

Said if I can't get it, it is gone. Well it is suppose to go to our son, so I took my savings to get MY wedding ring out of hcck, and got it.

He was so ashamed, he made me promise not to tell our son what he had done. He was sobbing. He does that a lot lately. I promised I would not tell hium. Besides
it would hurt our son to know it.

Anyway when I got to the garage he stays in, it is separate from his moms house, he was coming out of his moms house. I don't know how he can walk. He is closer to death every time I see him.

He sat in a chair by the table. I sat in a recliner. He would get up to smoke, back to lay down then up again then runs to the br in the house. Did this for an hour. He said he does not know what to do. Again I said ok then you don't know what you want to do yet.
He told me all he wanted was a drink. He stopped doing heroin four days before and was drunk day and night since. But had been with out anything since morning the day before.

He has help C and said he was in horrible pain, told me he was drinking to knock himself out. Said over and over he wanted to die.

Told me if he had a pint he would drink it all, if he had 5 gallons he would drink all that. But he had no money and was about out of tobacco.

I told him ok you can come home with me and do it cold turkey. I will make sure you drink water and have what you can eat there. I can do an IV if we have to.

Or you can stay here and be miserable and smoke and not eat or drink. Or you can find some way to get alcohol and drink.

Told him if he wanted to go to rehab there is the shuttle to take him there.

But he had to make the decision. I told him I could make you come to our house and get you clean. But I have done that at least four times. And as soon as you are alone you drive off and get alcohol.

I refuse to do it anymore unless you choose to come home.

Told him to call me if he needed me. I walked out and ignored the question of will I get him some tobacco. I was not doing anything to enable him.

I got in my truck and made sure I breathed. Felt so horrible. I went to my friend of over 30 years to ask her to talk to me and feed me. But she was not home. I went into her beautiful back yard and sat by her pond and just let the tears roll down my face.

The horror of watching someone you love in so much pain for years and years is really awful. It was so apparent I should do NOTHING. When I was there his friend who is A too, just got back from 5 days of detox. He came in all full of AA words and scared to death. Said he was so full of guilt and shame.

I hugged him and told him no one would choose to have this horrible disease.

Asked will you go to AA? He and my A began the banter how everyone talks big there and blah blah. I said well you know that does not matter. You go for you not anyone else. The program is for you and how you put it to work is totally your choice.

They both immediately shut up and agreed. Thank you alanon!!!

When I got the guitar out of hock I walked by this rosebush. I asked the guy if I could pick one rose. He said sure. I went outside and he comes out with scissors! I thought how nice that was. When I was in there they asked how I was. I said I am fine, it is my husband who is a mess.

I am sure they know who my A is. He has sold everything. I mean everything. NO saws, no drills, no compressor, no sawzall, no nailgun. NOthing.

He has mentioned selling his pickup. I am going to go get it soon.

Anyway I have no idea how he is now. I say in in $. he is twenty bucks away and I cannot afford to drive in to just see if he is still alive. I cannot call his mom as she will just be rude and horrible.

So I ask hp to please take care of him. I thought about what Jesus might do. I thought about how the creator gives us options and it is up to us what to do with them.

I thought about how he would see my A and comfort him and make sure he knew he was loved. He would give him the info and then it would be up to the A what to do.

This is only my thoughts. So that is what I tried to do for my A.

He is not doing well. Told me his face is falling off. I left at 2:15 pm and I got home and he had tried to call me at 2:25! I live at least 30 min away.

I calmed down in my friends garden. Fed her fish and listened to the birds taking baths in the pond. Goldfinches were flitting around. She was there when I met myt A. She was always there, weddings, deaths, births. sigh

So now I am back up here. Keeping busy cleaning. Sheared Valee my Pygora goat.soaked her hoovies.

She kept lifting her silly goat lips for kisses. Cut her some apple, she gladly ate it.

Made the guinea pigs a new home in clean straw. Cleaned off the deck. For some reason spraying off the deck is theraputic for me.

No he has not called. I am not sure what to do. So here I am. My son is here in town for a month. I told him the guitar is here. He said why? I told him Rick thought it was time for him to have it. I said it is not safe with you dad.

He said oh he might hock it? I would kill him if he did that, that is a family heirloom...crimany see, it would hurt him to know.

I said the serenity prayer and fit the situation in it. I reminded myself that this may be just another of the same thing. Though A told me, Debilyn I don't think you can get me thru this, this time.

I just want to know if he is still walking around.

But is it it this time? love,debilyn