Detachment...How much & how? - Al-Anon Family Group

Newbee · Newbie

Detachment...How much & how?

whatif · Member

Very good questions. I posted last night about husband being very drunk. He drove home, when he got here he immediately put food in micro. When he sat down to eat less than 5 minutes after arrival he could not even hold his head up. Also the car he is driving is only in my name. When I bought a newer one he took over that one and we never changed registration. But I suppose being married whatever damage he may cause will be the responsibility of us both. I did tell him this evening that he can not keep driving like that. I also told him if he gets in trouble he is on his own. He told me that if he ever gets picked up and I don't come get him that will be it!! Can you imagine that thought process? I asked him why I should and he just said because you are my wife and you are supposed to stand beside me.So yeah I don't understand when or how much to detach. Oh I've only been on this board for a little over 3 weeks, but in this life for 20 years. XOXO whatif

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

The drinking and driving issue has always been a hard one for me. If there was a chance that a family in another car would not be hurt, then I know my answer would be to always let the A suffer the consequences. My husband takes his chances most days and more times then not I don't do anything. The only case that I intervene is if I or my son are in the same vehicle with him. Then I insist on driving. Anything other then that...he's on his own. And no, I absolutely would not bail him out if he got arrested. He'd have to figure that out for himself. In many ways A's are like kids, they have to learn that there are consequences to their actions.

As far as locking your self away..Are you arguing with him? In most cases if you just say "You may be right", they can't argue too much more. Unless they want to argue that they aren't right :)

When you choose not to attend the fight kids are spared. My son has always known his Dad is an alcoholic, but still respects him.. What I did NOT do was speak badly about his Dad in front of him or to him. I believe that affects who they are. I explained to him that alcohol is an illness. Since coming here I have shared alanon tools that are helpful. My son and husband have the love of music in common and many nights play their guitars together, (even though his Dad is loaded). My son has learned to enjoy this time with his Dad in spite of it.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi , detachment is the thing that saved my life. We have a pamphlet that gives suggestions on how to do this in a healthy loving way. my email is abbyal2003@yahoo.ca if your interested i will mail u some things that have been very helpful for me in my recovery in the early days .

Your kids know alot more than u think they do, be honest with them explain that hubby has a disease , there is a book for young children called Whats Drunk Mama? it is awsome. You may have trouble finding a copy as it has been discontinued as of last yr. Ask your local literature depot if they have any coppies or at your meeting next time ask if any one has one ucan borrow. it really is a great info book for young kids .

You cannot stop them from driving drunk either, they don't believe they are drunk = go figure. They will aways find a way to get more keys etc. Picking him up at the bar is enabling , tho I did that myself for awhile till I finally said u got there figure out how your going to get home. He wouldnt drive himself if he was drunk. thank god

goodluck Louise

megan · ~*Service Worker*~

1) I have heard about the "detach with love" philosophy, but obviously you can't detach and let someone drive drunk can you? And what do you do, hide their keys?

I read where one lady hid her husbands keys as soon as he got home and when he wanted them she pretended he had misplaced them - riky i would think. I am lucky my A would not drink and drive

2) How do you detach when your spouse is keeping you awake until late into the night and you have to get up early to go to work the next day? Do I lock myself in my room?

I locked myself in a room and took sleeping pills. You have young children so the sleeping pills probably are not a solid plan for you

3) And what if there are children in the house (as young as 7)? I always thought it was best to protect them from the ugly truth. No??

Got me

keep coming back.

Good for you that you found the courage to go to a meeting

holly123 · Senior Member

Newbie,

Those are great questions. I wish I had come here and asked those when I first started. Detach with love was not what I did, I just plan detached. I am now finding I have to relearn this detachment thing. I need to understand it doesn't mean I can do things for him or care, it just means he needs to ask me if he wants help and not just assume I should do it for him. It also means I need to protect myself any way I can so that if he has a crisis I can be compassionate but not take it upon myself to fix it because the outcome will be devestating to me and my kids.

I find it best to do what is best for me, I lay it out for my a when he is sober what I want or don't want. Doesn't mean he listens but when I do things like go to bed and roll over and go to sleep he know it is because he is intoxicated. He can't keep you up since for one thats not healthy for you and if you don't want to be than you need to figure out what to do. I would set up a bed in another room or tell him to sleep somewhere else if he was keeping me up. I was up against the drunk driving thing as well until my a got caught for DWI, no he can't drive but if he could I would tell him that the kids and I will not ride with him if he is drunk. I would try to keep him off the road but if I couldn't I would not ride with him. I always drove everywhere we went anyway because he was always drinking, so in my case it wouldn't be hard but I can't always be there to stop him. I don't ever want him to kill himself or someone else on the roadway but even if I hid the keys and stopped him from using my vehicle, he would find some other way if he wanted to, so it is best to protect you and your kids.

As far as the kids I find that kids are pretty smart. I still worry about what they are learning from him but as long as there is no abuse from him he is welcome to stay as far as they are concerned. Kids are very forgiving creatures. This sometimes infuriates me because while I'm stewing over something he has done they are forgiving him and moving on. We could learn a lot from them, my biggest struggle is maintaining myself so that I can be understanding to their needs. This I really have to work on, I get so caught up in my emotions and hurt I forget to listen to them. So I find that if I continue to work on me atleast for now my a can stay.

I'm not sure that I have the right answers but I try what I can, at this point I struggle everyday with whether my a should stay or go, I worry about the kids, I worry about my finances, I worry about a lot. Right now I am trying to tackle the finacial aspect so I can be more confident no matter what happens.

No matter what you need to ask yourself what you can and can't live with, work on changing what you can so that you can live as comfortably as possible.

Good Luck, you are in the right place, Keep coming back

Love Ya

Holly

-- Edited by holly123 at 15:32, 2005-05-16

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