The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well this is the 3rd week in a row that husband has spent an 8 hour day getting absolutely stinking drunk.Since last week's episode he has mowed our yard and the neighbor's. Weeded and mulched the garden. Ran lots of errands. Spent a delightful evening with my son and his family for my son's birthday. Took care of me after 1 VERY trying day of work. Did some laundry and vacuumed the house. Oh and also worked, never misses work. BUT like clock work he has been doing this day long binge once a week. The first week I cried until I was sick, then found you guys here. I ordered ODAT and started to read that. The second week I did not react at all. Came here and read and posted some. Today I yelled and was very upset again. And I thought why should I accept, and detatch. I think I get very resentful that he actually makes that much time to do something that wasteful. We both work a full time and a part time job. Plus have a week-end business. My hours are much longer and there is no way I can piece together 8 hours in a whole week. Plus he was too busy drinking and totally ignored an appointment at the garage for the van that we need for the week-end business. Thanks for listening, just needed to vent.XOXOXO whatif (ps before he started this binge thing again he used to stop by the pub every day for 2 hours. Just enough to make him too tired and a little drunk so that I would have every thing to do. He thinks this is better because he gets lots done on the non-binge days.)
It's difficult to learn not to take someone elses inventory, to change the pattern (in ourselves) that that we have known so long. Keep the focus on you.
From how Alonon works..
Forgiveness is no favor. We do it for no one but ourselves. We simply pay too high a price when we refuse to forgive. Lingering resentments are like acids eating away at us. Rehearsing and re-rehearsing old injuries robs us of all that is precious. Shame never liberated a single spirit. And self-righteousness never softened a heart. Can we afford to perpetuate such self destructiveness? Surely we can better our time and energy. Although we may despise what others have done, if we keep in mind that everything we are now trying to do has the goal of healing us, we are bound to decide the best thing we can do for ourselves is forgive.
Instead of taking the behavior personally, in time we can learn to say to ourselves, "That's just alcoholism" and let it go.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I understand how you feel and I feel your resentment and pain. Wipe your mental slate clean of everything you think you know about alcoholism. Then apply yourself to learning about the disease. read everything available about the disease of alcoholism. Lots are available from the library and internet. Even attending open AA meetings has helped me, and it provides first hand knowledge from recovering alcoholics themselves. And most importantly if you do not attend Alanon, I would suggest it, as it WAS my saving grace from all this insanity that this disease brings with it. Sometimes we suffer and get more sick than the A's themselves, I know I sure was, trying to control and manipulate the A from not drinking, and the obesession I had. I was obsessed with what he was doing or not doing , and where he was going , and when he would be home, and how much did he drink etc, and who he was with, and watched the clock til he came home etc etc. I was more obsessed with him , than he was with the booze. Was this sane? NO, not at all I had lost myself , got so enmeshed in his crap and his disease, I saw what it was doing to him, BUT I didnt see what it was slowly doing to me. Alanon has helped millions around the world, and our stories are not unique anymore, help is available for you if you want it. It works if you work it and YOU are worth it! Keep coming back,,,,gardengal
I found that no matter how much I yell at my A, he continues to do the same ole s@#*. He has been out every evening drinking for at least ten hours for the last week for the last two or more years. (Oh, he was home for Mother's Day as our boys were home.) It doesn't matter what I say or do--the choice is still his. All it does for me when I try to "control" the situation is to get me upset...so I continue working on ME. I am trying to read material that inspires me--read and re-read--until it becomes a part of me. It seems to slip away so easily. I feel good when I make the time to think about me and my relationship w my HP...even if it is only 15 minutes in the morning when I am having my coffee. Find a book that works for you; keep coming back and posting. Love and peace to you, Annie
The reason is, it is the only thing that keeps you sane. If it really helped the situation for you to yell at him, and be resentful, then, believe me, that's what we'd tell you to do! We have all learned that anything BUT detaching only hurts ourselves, and makes no difference to the A. You detach to help yourself, not him. He'll continue to drink until he is ready to stop, whether you are happy or miserable, so you may as well be happy. The bonus is, if you are happy and serene, he will see that such a thing is possible, and MAY find the desire and the will to reach for it for himself.
