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I want to explain my share this morning. It seemed to upset alot of people and i also got angry that wasnt my intention. So i will try to explain what i shared more clearly. I was sharing on my alanon experience last time i was in this program 3 years ago, its something ive never really shared all of but i will now and you will understand. I got married in 1997 i was already with him for 7 years and living with him. I got pregnant a month after i got married. And then i got pregnant again 6 weeks after i had my first. I went into a depression. And saw a doctor. I been fighting depression since i was a child and was on depression meds when i was 12 years old. My mother took me off because she was to ashamed of me being on them. I slep alot when i first had my children because they never slept through the night. The gp i saw put me on paxil and asked me to see a shrink. I said no, she said i wasnt allowed to say no or that would mean i wasnt a fit parent. because its not normal to want to stay sick they said. I didnt want to stay sick but i didnt want meds either. i did it tho. I was put on valium by the shrink and was still on paxil. and then a few weeks later sleeping pills. I saw the shrink weekly, because depression and suicide seem to go hand in hand and they keep a close watch when your first diagnosed with depression. Then they told me after i told them a bit of my life that i could go to alanon and that i would be able to stop seeing a shrink if i went to alanon. After a few meetings i started going to another one and my regular one, and my first panic attack was triggered, it was a man from aa that was in alanon also sharing about how he beat his wife, but he said it with a smile on his face. and i freaked out.I was put on tranquilizers after that cause i was always shaking and it didnt go away. 7 months into alanon i realized there was no alateen and there were some kids that were coming to the alanon. And i saw that they couldnt relate when the topic was about exes or spouses. So i decided to open one. I got all the info from wso. and they told me that it was going to be very difficult to open one in montreal because there was no english alateen and there hasnt been one for 6 years. So that meant there was no coordinator no alateen (bigwig) lol that is normally who helps get groups going. I did it though i did everything i was supposed to do and wso told me i made alanon history, some people didnt like that. And ppl were amazed that i did it. I even got a sponser and i was the co sponser because i was a new comer. i heard alot of comments after i did this and it really bothered me but i still went to the conventions and things. There was for the first time a convention and since there was alateen that were was never before some kids from toronto were coming and i was called three days before the convention to make up a alateen meeting for the convention. I did, i got alateens from the french groups to come speak and they even gave up one of thier activities to speak at the meeting i organized.They wanted a meeting there to say there was one incase, but they didnt expect me to do a meeting that way in such short notice, the kids from toronto didnt come but the french kids came to speak cause i asked them to and they missed some of thier activities for me. No adults came to support them or listen to them speak and someone told some adults to come in. I had a sponser and she was going through alot i didnt ask her to be but she felt bad for me and we did somethings together. But she said she couldnt handle me and i would have to find another sponser. I found some sponsers online but i was to much for them also. I felt that alanon abandoned me and i have a little trouble trusting it i had a sponser that asked me to do a resentment list and started hearing voices on step 4 of my family yelling in my ear, felt so real, and i was going through a separation at the time. I just asked my ex to leave around then. So i quit alanon the voices flipped me out i thought i was going insane . And no one knew how to handle me cause i can panic and make people panic with me usually. All the voices stopped after i quit all recovery. But i also know that i did that, i didnt trust i ran instead of recovered i know it. I did not bash this program. i can give this program out to a newcomer no problem. Some people in the chat room got mad hearing me share this. But i cant change what i did or what others did. and just because i didnt say alanon saved my life doesnt mean alanon isnt for me. You know theres alot more to this , i can go on to tell you alot more. but i know what i did. I am not perfect. But to say alanon isnt for me and everytime i share i hear this. I know i have bigger issues than alanon can handle and im getting help for it. I do belong in alanon because my parents were alcoholics and thats what makes me belong there. I am a very defensive person. and i got really angry this morning and im sorry. i was only sharing. Just because it wasnt positive doesnt mean it didnt happen. My shares are not good ones sorry. My experiences have been negative ones and i have spent years (talking about childhood here ) not alanon, i have spent years trying to recover i keep running. So that is what i was trying to say when i shared this morning. I also know you guys are not therapists i never said you were. But for me, and this is what i always say. If you dont want to know dont ask cause i will tell you how it was. no matter good or bad.
-- Edited by kerry5 at 12:16, 2005-05-11
-- Edited by kerry5 at 12:23, 2005-05-11
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
It took a lot of courage to put up this post. We who grew up in the disease of alcoholism learn not to trust anything. More so if we feel let down by something we think is supposed to offer us help. I commend you on your accomplishment of putting together an Alateen group. There are so few out there and the numbers are dwindling rapidly. I for one dont know where I would be if I did not have Alateen when I was younger. Unfortunately so few cant or dont want to become involved in service work.
I also applaud your courage to stick with this program even after you have felt let down. Many ACOA's would have run as fast as they could in the opposite direction.
As to getting angry and defensive - remember that is one of yous "isms" that you have yet to overcome. Dont be so hard on yourself. Look at your accomplishments and be proud of how far you have come.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Thanks Karen, i could of went on more. I feel really bad what happened this morning. Cause i was sharing it started on how lost i was feeling because my mother just died. I never realized it before not once, how attached i was to my mother and how much i did things with her. I didnt really do anything without her. And its so many memories, like going to the pool with me and the kids she used to sit on a chair outside and watch me and the kids. Its going to be so different this year. And people look at me funny now. In this building or talk to me like im 5 years old in a singing tone, which i hate """how are you doingggggggg" come here give me a hug? A what????????? lol i dont think so! lol is what i want to say. My sister and father have completely treated me like hell because i cared for my mom at home till she died and they were jealous they didnt. The couple of days before my mother died and she was nearing death i had to give my mom injections and my sister and dad wanted to because they said i didnt deserve the credit. The thing is i didnt do it for credit i did it cause it was my moms wishes. My father and sister are disabled and they didnt lift two fingers to help me, when i was caring for her the month she was home so i wasnt going to let them give her an injection. The service was a complete show for my sister with the big tears. So i have alot of issues going on in my head and it really kills me that i was just put here with no warning. Just like a bang new altered life not knowing whats coming or whos going. Not knowing where to go from here. My dad is treating me like a stranger and so is my sister they told me to take the bug tommorow to my moms burial. But i realize now that they are strangers i never talked to them never had a normal conversation with them. Was always me mom and the kids, and before kids was me mom and my grandmother. So now i know i will live and i will go on. Im just lost right now. I didnt mean any offense to anyone.
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
I was not at the meeting but I wanted to give you a hug. I am sory that you feel so bad and I too think that it took alot of courage to post. Good for you. I know that I am not in chat often but remember the night that you came in and felt a connection to you. I think of you often and just wanted you to know that.
Don't forget that even though some may not like what you say that there are many here that have a special love for you and no matter what that will not change!!
Hi Kerry, am not sorry I missed the discussion this morning. You and I have discussed this before on several occasions. Your not the first Adult child to upset Al-Anon members, and you won't be the last.
When adult children share , we feel guilty and that Kerry is our problem not yours. (hugs) You have a right to say how u feel on any topic at any time and if people take offence ,they can go home and call thier sponsors. hehe
I for one am glad you keep coming back. How others react to your shares is their issue to deal with, not yours. I like what Abby had to say in her post, short and to the point. Perhaps, as you say, your shares are not always "uplifting"...but the fact that you continue to keep coming back is a testament in itself. Even when (or especially when) you feel "lost", you keep coming back - that alone tells me you believe this program can work!
I am not an ACOA, so I can not pretend to understand the depths of everything that brings with it. I do try to listen and learn from ACOA's, as my hubby, his children, and now mine would fit into that category. I did want to say one thing, just my opinion as I am not a professional in the mental health field, when you spoke of doing your 4th and beginning to hear voices .... my sponsor told me to prepare myself to "relive" a lot of feelings as I began doing my own 4th. That I would be taking a look at my past, and I figure if I am doing this correctly, then I am going to be experiencing a lot of pain, etc. as I take a look at these things that have shaped my life thus far. The depth of feeling that we each experience - well, I had a halfway "normal" childhood, so while there is some pain, I am sure it can in no way come close to what others may have experienced. I CAN imagine feelings being so strong as you relive them, that it seems as though it is happening all over again, complete with "voices in my head". I don't think you are/were insane. I think you have a whole lot of buried hurt and pain that is darn near overwhelming. I also think, this being the case, having a good strong connection with a sponsor and a therapist as you work through the steps would be the wisest course. People who would understand what you were working on, who would be prepared for how it could affect you, who could reassure you that what you were experiencing was okay and that no, you were not going crazy.
So many of us think "it was my fault, I was wrong" on things that happened when we were young. I look back at things my sister used to say to me, how much that influenced me, how much I actually took to heart that I should not have. Those things were only HER opinion! Her opinion does not equal fact. I can see that now, all these years later. And I am working on letting go of that influence her opinion had on me, on knowing that I AM capable, that I CAN make good choices, and so on.
Hi Kerry - I'm sorry you were met with anger when you felt you were in a safe place.
My program teaches me to share my own experience strength and hope with others and to listen to others who are hurting with compassion, an open mind and not to judge.
Any problem wih your share is not yours. I'm glad you came back to Al-Anon. Don't stop coming back.
I was not a the meeting, but I, too, am truly sorry that you were met with anger and confrontation as a result of your share. I agree with Karen that it took loads of courage to make your post here and would like to thank you for doing so. You have faced many difficult situations as of late and your courage amidst all of the chaos is inspiring. I appreciate all of the wonderful things that you bring to our group and I am very glad you are here!
Kerry , to the millions of people worldwide, of men women and children ,who have been affected by the alcoholism of another, Alanon has been the saving grace, and has brought us back to focus on what is important , "ourselves". I know as I am one of those millions. To find out you are not alone in this world struggling with the adverse effects this "disease" can have on the non drinker, is sometimes to much for us alone to bare.I too grew up in an alcoholic family my father who passed at the age of 59 from that horrific disease. I too had to take care of my mother day and day out, watching her slowly deteriorating in front of my eyes, who died of cancer in 98. And now well I have to deal with, the alcoholism of my brother, his wife, my nephew , his wife and finally my husband. I understand your pain and your anguish, and anxiety, fear, and anger. However I was there this morning when you were there. I voiced my concerns, about the reaction you were sharing you had at Alanon, and I am truly sorry that you have had such a bad experience with it. However on the other hand we have testimonials of others, like me, who have found the peace and serenity we seek through Alanon, and like I said this program is world wide and millions have recovered through this program. For new comers who entered the room frightened and at their witts end seeking desperately for help for themselves, we need to encourage them to keep coming back, as it does work, if you work it. That is all I have to say, and take what you like and leave the rest, is one of "the" important things in Alanon,,,and not to take things personally. You are welcome anytime in my eyes and all the other members of Alanon, together we DO heal!
I agree with some gg but not all. I am sorry that my share could of scared newcomers, but thats not such a bad thing. When i first came to alanon i thought it was this amazing program where it was going to be a walk in the park and everyone would be accepting no matter what, even though that seems fake thats what i thought. And i was devestated when i was let down. I do recall sharing on this thread that i ran from recovery. So yes newcomer and oldtimers, some shares maybe be difficult more than others but this is our experience strength and hope and telling someone how to what to share wouldnt be the alanon way. Newcomers know we are people with different stories, and i cant change my story for anyone. and i will continue to share the way i always have because it works for me. And the newcomers can take what they like and leave the rest and so can you gg.
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 23:56, 2005-05-11
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
((((((((((((((Kerry)))))))))))))) I missed your share this AM I was at work but even if some may not like what we share sometimes we need to share what we feel and some need to learn to take what they want and leave the rest and not take offense to how one may need to share or misinterpit ones share. All we can do is say I need to share this and please understand my feelings, even if you may not relate or like what is said, and those who are truly working the program understand things do not always come out as we intend either when we vent> or say what is needed to be said. LOve ya kerry Keep comming take care love cloud
Kerry so sorry about this morning. I hope I did not hurt you in any way. So glad you came here and wrote it all out, that is so therapudic in itself! Glad to c u back in chat too. I am always ready to listen even if I don't agree, trap shut! LOL Hope this all blows over soon and the healing can begin again for you. you have been through so much.
josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Kerry, I was not in the room so I don't know what happened. But I know that took a lot of courage to share all you have shared in the last day or so. It's better to let it out than to keep it all inside. I so often keep so much inside and it is not healthy to do so. I commend you on sharing so deeply what is in your heart, whether some will agree or not is not the point. We can agree to disagree if necessary. Family relationships can be very intense and carry around a lot of baggage, I do know what that is like. I also know firsthand of all the emotions involved in caring for an ill parent. Bless you (((((kerry))))) and keep coming back here. Dana
(((((((kerry))))))))) ANY RECOVERY PROGRAM should NEVER make you feel as if you need to offer an explanation of what you have expressed during a share. THAT is EXACTLY why I do not choose to participate in the meetings particularly online. It is NOBODY's business or right in ANY program to stop you from expressing what it is you NEED to express.
You do what is best for you and if something takes your peace away from doing what you NEED to do to be healthy and peaceful, then more than likely it is not right for you.
I want to express that not ALL Alanon meetings are so structured and allow people to talk about whatever it is that is necessary. I also want to express that the ROOT of all our recovery is SEVERAL resources givin' to us ONLY BY GOD and we should be thankful in having ALL of them in our lives and not limit ourselves to one based on ONLY what they choose to believe.
cause i will tell you how it was. no matter good or bad. 
