The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time posting here. I just wanted to share how grateful I am for the alanon program. I am an ACOH, and it has been a rough past two years. I had an "aha moment" about three years ago, realized my entire life I had pretended things were okay when they were not, I felt unsure of who I was, what I wanted, where I wanted to go, etc. I started counseling right away, I tried desperatley to try and change what I already knew, that I was in a bad marriage and needed to get out. For 12 years I had thought I was the luckiest woman in the world, that my husband was a wonderful man, after all, he did not drink. But after months of struggling, I realized that emotional abuse is still abuse, and living in a house when you do not know when someone will blow up over nothing, living with the fear of the unknown, living again with pretending things were okay when I knew they were not, it all came down on me. It was actually when I realized I was doing to my two daughters what was done to me, that I found the courage to change, the courage to begin my journey to move out, with my girls. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make.
I continued therapy, and started attending meetings, alanon and ACOH. I found that I was so angry at my parents, they neglected me, they made me messed up, it was all their fault, etc. I was consumed by this anger, and I struggled with what to do about it. This lasted for almost a year. I found that it was easier to forgive my father, the alcoholic, than my mother, the codependent, of who I had become. My father passed away on Christmas Eve of 2004. He died from alcohol related illnesses, and of course up until three days before he died, he insisted he was fine, never felt better, etc. I was upset that he did not allow me to talk to him about what was really happening, that he was dying. He never let us acknowledge this, but I know realize that was his choice.
Because of alanon, I have learned to forgive. I have taken the focus of what my parents did not do for me, and tried to see what they gave me. They tried. My father was sick, and my mother, well, I am still working on that one. One day at a time, and I do not have to figure it out today.
Hi tammy --glad u r here and you are posting and doing such couragous things and you are right about the process of forgiveness as with your MOm--progress not perfection. forgiving my mom was soooo darn hard, took yrs. of many journal entries, raging attacks on my pillow, cries with sponsor & in meetings. it is about grieving what we feel we deserved as God's children and that takes a while.
After a while u will learn to love the person and not the behavior/disease &how to keep safe with boundaries around her, and see that what she did or did not do was no a personal attack on you but a symptom of a very sick person. My mom was often sicker than my father and i had less anger toward him, but now that i am a mom and see how stressful it is, i have sooo much compassion for what my mother was dealing with or "not dealing well with". I had to realize that the alcoholic had the benefit of anestatizing himself with a drink atleast--so of course he seemed better (sedated).
You r working hard and are worth all this effort my sweet!
yours in recovery, Luv 123 or sha-angel
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
