The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I am feeling really anxious that I am so "needy" for some advice when it comes to our daughter! I'm sorry I have not been able to plug into a f2f AA group here in my city. The times I have I am confused and leave wondering when I might be able to ask questions. We all just read and yes I get some things out of it but I feel like I'm in crises mode and need some guidance.
This is my child...how do I lovingly let go?! How do we 'detach' when we feel she is headed for disaster? She is desparately telling us she needs to move far away in order to 'find herself'. How can moving away to a city you've never been to , not knowing a soul, have no support system in place, have never held a job for more than a summer vacation and barely have a year of sobriety under her belt be a place she could 'find' herself?!! We spoke with a counselor (though not an expert on addiction or alcoholism) and he said we should make sure she is emotional and physically well enough to make that kind of move. I don't believe her sponsor would be in favor of this although she says she is. But of course lying is still not an uncommon occurance when it comes to wanting to get the response she wants. We feel she is running away from dealing with problems here at home. She refuses to have any kind of counseling with us.
Is it unreasonable to ask her if the 4 of us can meet together? Our daughter, her sponsor and us, her parents? Or is that a totally inappropriate request. Please help me see things right here.
Our daughter has been suicidal in the past, problems with drugs and the alcohol, eating disorders and the list goes on.
Gosh, I know I'm sounding like a screaming mimi here and all of you guys are probably calm and serene because you're so good at practicing how to take care of yourself etc.
Again, I'm sorry for state of my letter here, but my D called me today crying and screaming about the fact that she's GOT to move away.
Wow, I can imagine how hard this is for you. My son is just turning 18 and will be in college in the fall.
I'm not sure if her sponsor would speak to you as it is her sponsor and anything she says could be considered betrayal by your daughter.
The one thing we have to remember is that it is "their" recovery and we can't do it for them.
As young as she is, your daughter is still an adult, and maybe she is running away or maybe she does need to try and find herself. It really is only for her to decide. In todays world of cellphones and computers, we are really only a short distance away no matter where we are. Maybe you could set up some ways to keep in touch, lots of phonecalls, online chats, maybe even the webcams. I know it isn't the same but it would keep you in touch.
If you try and force her to stay, it may make her feel trapped, and that could only hurt things.
My parents live 2000 miles away from me. We share the same cell phone company, and I speak to them sometimes several times a day (moblie to mobile, no charge). I also send them videos and photos a few times a week, and we visit often. I know when my own son leaves it will hurt horribly, but I will do whatever possible to keep us in touch, while letting him find his own way in life.
Hi, I really feel for you, if the A in my life were one of my children, I would find it very hard to do the necessary detaching! Hard as it is, it IS necessary. You D has her own path in life, her own higher power, her own sobriety to find. Even a shaky, new, sobriety is a start - she is starting to take responsibility for her own life, which is something she needs to do. In this instance, the most useful slogan is "Let Go, and Let God". You can not save her, she can only save herself, with the help of her program and her HP. YOU are the one who really needs some help here, to get you through this horrible anxious time. Is there anyone at the F2F meetings you have been to who strikes you as calm and sympathetic? If so, get that person's number, and get some one on one time. You say that you have been to AA meetings - is that a typo, or are you only going to AA and not alanon? Open AA meetings can certainly be helpful to us, as they give us some insight, but they are not really geared for our needs. If there are alanon meetings within driving distance, please try to make them, they really do have what you need, though sometimes it seems like we need help 'right now' and the program is a long-range one. Reading alanon literature is also very helpful. Books like "One Day at a Time in Al Anon" and "Courage to Change" have inspirational daily readings. "Al anon Family Groups" and "In All Our Affairs" show how the program works, and have personal stories, which you might find very helpful. The collections of stories from the Forum, called "Forum Favorites" are also helpful, as they again tell personal stories. The "Getting Them Sober" books are not alanon as such, but many of us have found them to be very good, as they offer practical, day to day tips on what to do and not do. Hard as it is to do, the focus for you needs to be on yourself, not on your daughter. The healthier you are, the more likely you are to be able to help her. Come here as often as you like, this is a safe place to pour your heart out. Vent all that anxiety to US, rather than burdening your D with it.
Obviously you're in a great deal of pain over all of this, I wish there was something I could say to help ease that pain. All I can tell you is that programs like al-anon and others helped me find my own serenity and I hope they can do the same for you. No one in al-anon (or other programs) is going to tell you how to fix the problems and I think that sometimes new people come into the program expecting that they will be handed all the answers. Al-anon is about finding the answers in yourself with the help of a higher power and by sharing with and listening to others working their own recover. That being said ...
First I'd like to share this ... I can tell you that if my spouse or parent ever contacted my sponsor I would be mortified and angry. The bond between me and my sponsor is sacred. My sponsor is there for me, not my parents/spouses/siblings. No one has the right to contact my sponsor about me unless I give them permission. Of course, if my sponsor EVER felt I was in mortal danger (like going to hurt myself or someone else) she would, without my permission or consent, contact my family and let them know. If my family ever contacted my sponsor because, let's say, they didn't like a decision I made because it was against their advice, I know in my heart the my sponsor would politely tell them she cannot speak to them, hang up the phone and then contact me. I can say without a doubt that their contact of my sponsor would irrepairably hurt my relationship with them. On the flip side, becuause this is where I am in my recovery, I would seriously have to ask myself what my motivations were for contacting their sponsor(s). Is it because I think I can bring them over to my way of thinking, is it that I want to hear them tell that they agree with me, or is it because I have a genuine sense that my loved one is in mortal danger and want to express to this person that there is behavior going on that might be dangerous so that they can be on the lookout for it as well?
Next, although I appreciate your concern about your daughter, it reminds me of my own need to "fix" the addicts in my life. I cannot controll the actions, thoughts, beliefs or behaviors of anyone but me. It wasn't until I learned that, that I was able to lovingly detach from the addicts/alcoholics in my life. Detach is going to mean different things to different people because, IMHO, detaching is all about personal boundries, at least that's how I understand it. I have a sister who is an addict and alcoholic, back in the days when we still had a relationship, she would show up where I worked on payday because her kids always needed something. Before the ultimately downfall of our relationship and my need to completely physically detach I went from handing her money to purchasing the things the kids needed. This made her none too happy but the kids got what they needed and I felt ok about that. In that case my particular boundry was, I will give the kids what they need but I will not give you cash to support your addictions.
I want to leave you with this thought, my recovery is about me and no one else. In my case, I had to put physical distance between myself and the addicts/alcoholic in my life and all the traumatic experiences I had with them in order for me to move on to become the person I am today. I'm positive that there were people in my life who did not agree with my decisions, who felt I was emotionally unstable, physically unable however, the only person who had controll over me is me. I went into my decisions knowing that with choices come consequences and that goes for anyone making any type of decision. At the end of the day, for me, it was about knowing that I could live with the consequences of my choices.
"Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm",
Just a big thanks for your responses and your very kind way of reaching out to me. I've decided I am going to try to hook back into an AlAnon group (for clarification- it was AlAnon meetings I had been to before not AA as I mistakenly wrote before) I will try to find someone that I might get a little one on one with to help get me thru this current 'crisis'. I also wanted to say that when I asked about meeting with her sponsor, I did not mean we would try to do that behind her back or even without our daughter. My idea was to see if she, our daughter, and her sponsor would be willing to sit down with us and we could hear firsthand from her sponsor why she thinks this (the move to another state) would be an ok idea. Our daughter speaks of her sponsor ALL the time, she is a girl about the same age and I just thought that since this person is so closely tied with her that she would understand we would like her input as well. So................please don't think I would contact this girl secretly or whatever. I know THAT would go nowhere and would not be appropriate.
I think I am unable to get into a chatroom because I don't have AOL, so I plan to just 'coast' a little while and read what ya'll have to say. That is helpful to me. My HP is God and He tells me over and over again to trust Him with my precious daughter. I know He loves her more than I in fact. And He knows far better what she needs than I ever will.
