The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Trying to make sense of where I'm at right now...maybe trying too hard, maybe I need to just "sit and be still". I feel like something is happening, or about to happen, some kind of change. A whole range of feelings going on - sadness, pensiveness, melancholy? And yet, its not all "down" feelings either.
Hubby was home this weekend. He got in late Friday very tired from driving all day. He sat up watching some TV while I was in the chat room. We had discussed going to a friends house the next day and then doing some work over at our rental house. When we went to bed, he fell asleep almost right away. I ended up tossing and turning, just wasn't able to sleep. Maybe got a few hours sleep at most and then woke up with a cluster headache behind my eye. Hubby came in asking about going to our friends. I told him how I was feeling, he said okay. He went downstairs, made coffee and breakfast for us. I got up, ate, took some Excedrin Migraine. He took the boys and went over to the rental to do the work needed there. I took a little nap on the couch. Headache went away, but then I had an upset tummy. Hubby comes home, having gone grocery shopping on the way, makes dinner for us. I see he has bought a bottle at the store. I say nothing, but I can feel the "upset" start inside me. I join the chat room for the evening meeting, hubby is in other room watching TV and drinking. Then he starts playing with grandson. They both are having a great time, giggling and laughing. And still I am feeling this "upset" - so I remove myself by going upstairs to take a hot bath. I come downstairs, hubby is on computer with his daughter over his shoulder - I glance at screen and see it is the Amazon site with Al-Anon books displayed. Hubby kindly tells me to go away. I tell him "I have all those books". He looks at daughter and says something about, "ok, plan B". They get up and go into the "tv room" and sit there whispering. I get back on computer. I know they are discussing what to get for my birthday. I go into chat again, still feeling unsettled inside. I think maybe I'm upset at myself for being upset and sad.
And I think to myself how I shouldn't feel this way - hubby has been very nice all day, he even kept his calm when he discovered his drill on the garage floor with a crack in the battery casing (drill still works). He had said to me at the time "you have no idea the cuss words going through my mind". Well, yes I did have an idea...LOL, but the point is, he didn't lose his temper and yell at the kids. He just accepted it had happened and let it go. He also had accepted that I was feeling unwell and left me to just do what I needed to do all day. He even sat down with all the kids and talked with them about helping out more around here and that the 3 older ones need to start contributing money-wise since they are now working. He did this all in a calm, matter of fact way. Said everything in a very fair way; reasonable expectations of them to which they all agreed.
Its late Saturday evening and hubby comes in from tv room and says it's bedtime. I ask for a few minutes (was in midst of a conversation in chat). He goes back to watching TV. I finish in chat, say my goodnites, go up to bed with him. I've recovered from the headache and tummy ache of the day, but am feeling very tired. I don't discuss this topic much - its just rather private I feel, but it is a topic that affects many around this disease. Sex. Alcohol can affect ability to perform. So can other factors associated with aging. Hubby is 50. We haven't had much of a sex life for years. This has nothing to do with Intimacy. Intimacy-wise we are fine. Let me just say, we manage to have one of our rare nights of both intimacy and sex.
Sunday morning arrives, hubby makes breakfast again, then goes off with boys again to finish stuff over at the rental. I go out with younger daughter to work on the chicken coop. We spend our day doing stuff that needs doing. Hubby makes dinner again, then naps as he has to leave later on in evening for his next truck run. When he is ready, I go and drop him off at the truck. I then go into chat, am tired but not ready to sleep. End up staying up till the wee hours. Mind is still thinking of the whole weekend and how I'd been feeling.
Just unsure of where I am at right now. Things I can identify: hubby was being very nice, he got up and did the "honey-do" things that needed doing all weekend, he didn't snap at kids like he has in the past when he noticed a broken tool, he didn't even cuss. I see he is making an effort to be different, to have harmony in the home. On my part: I took the suggestion I make to others about removing yourself/detaching and went and took some "me" time in that hot bath. Redirected my thinking away from the fact that he was drinking and focused on other things instead. Made myself see the fun he was having with grandson, the joy. Thought of all he'd done all weekend. Remained calm and nice. Was sad he had to leave again, but that is his job.
I also will be starting back to work shortly. Got my real estate license in the mail this weekend. I may not know what I'm doing yet, but I'm licensed to do it!! LOL
So ... I don't know. I guess I just feel all these feelings and allow it to be and time will tell just what is going on, huh? Still feel "unsettled". Hmmm....
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Thank you for posting your honesty and reaching out to us. I know when I post if I go back and re-read what I posted a few days later the answers may be in my own soul. Or I get to see the post from a different point of view, meaning a different day.
I have found that sometimes my mind cannot seperate well from others situations here. It is not really a conscious thing. That is one thought. We also go through differerent stages in our life too. With you new real estate adventure it sounds like new stage in your life :)
I am sure you will get lots of feedback and I an anxious to read it. So for now I will say thank you for being such an important part of my life! You have taught me so much and been a great support to my recovery! You have so many admirable qualities! I can see your spouse and family know how important alanon is to you too :) That is sweet that they were looking for books. It is such a blessing to have such a supporting family.
Thanks again for your honest share. your friend in recovery, cdb :)
Sounds like growing pains to me! I know exactly the feelings you are talking about. I felt them often when my ex first started going to AA and sobered up. And in my case, at least, I think a lot of the feeling was guilt. I was feeling like her quitting her drinking, although I knew it was good for her, was not something she was doing for herself, but rather her doing something for us. I now know how wrong I was. But that creepy feeling in my stomach was there a lot.
Maybe you are experiencing something similiar...the growing pains due to the changes in yourself and the changes in your husband which you feel responsible for. Anyway just my thoughts...for what they are worth.
Hang in there..you are doing great! And it sounds like you hubby is too!
Thanks for sharing. When I am in that place you are in, then at least with me it's hidden resentments or old fear. If I do some free association journaling then usually that drives it up to the surface. For that type of journaling to work for me I have to do it "rapid style". That means I write as fast as I can because the first thing to pop out of my heart is usually the truth and if I sit there and dwell on how ugly that truth might be then I won't write it down. Sometimes I can kill the truth by trying to dress it up. So I go as fast as I can and I do not edit for language or content. No matter how horrible or ugly the thought I spray it onto the paper at full speed and keep racing forward until I get to the root of the issue.
What a wonderful, honest, heartfelt share. Remember to feel your feelings and feelings aren't facts. It is wonderful that you recognized them and boy so great that you were willing to share them. I'll know I feel better when I share them with someone I trust. Perhaps you are projecting the future my dear. Remember to live in the moment.
I am so glad you are in chat. It's such a pleasure knowing you my dear.
Love, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Hi kis - I find that when I'm unsettled if I Get Busy I Get Better. Sometimes the lack of chaos was unsettling as I was so used to the ups and downs the a caused.
Working with a newcomer is one of the best ways for me to get out of myself. Whether I'm their sponsor or not a newcomer always welcomes a call and I always feel better.
Try to relax and do something nice for yourself. For me, lunch with my sponsor always makes me feel better - she has a way of knowing exactly what I need.
I don't know that we are totally alike, but know that we have many simularities. When my husband got sober, and started acting human towards me, I didn't quite know how to act. I had figured when he is actually desent to me, that will be the day! I spent so much time gaurding against how he was treating me, it became the norm. When he started changing his actions, i was still stuck in the guard position. I didn't want to trust him with any part of my heart. I think the way I saw it was if i didn't trust i didn't hurt, and if i didn't hurt, i wont be let down "when and if." I think subcontiously I was thinking, if he was in the wrong, that ment no matter how my actions where, i was in the right. Totally black and white view i had. The bottom line is, the more i give, the more i get, and that goes with anything. The more of my heart i give him, the more he gives back to me, the more i trust him, the more he trust me, the more let down i will be if he or I fail. But I found the last part of that sentence to be a fear, and the rest, what i can do with the right tools and HP behind me.
Sounds like my life. Honor your feelings because they are only feelings. I tell me husband that I know when he is going to addict before he does. I think we learn to put our antennae out so we know what is coming next. So everything looks normal like watching TV or playing with the baby but I think we pick up on those unsaid things or vibes. And we have been disappointed so many times.
So you are making progress anyway because you got your real estate license and you have done some nice things for yourself. Great!
Firstly, congratulations on your real estate license!! I am happy for you that you are having some good moments in your life. If you take your life one minute at a time, you will feel so blessed with the good moments in your life. I can understand that when our partner is treating us well, and that we feel happy, it can be difficult. It is waiting for the other shoe to fall. Trust in your HP, and let go, and let God (HP) and you will feel the joy. As time go on, I am able to do this more, and more. Thanks for your post, and your openness. I really appreciate you!!
