The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have met a recovering alcoholic who has been in AA for about 1 1/2 years. He is 39, he has already suffered loss of career, loss of 2 homes, loss of fiance, became homeless 3 times and almost died from alcohol withdraw.
Ok, I should run and not date this man. These 3 months I have known him have been the most chaotic since I divorced almost 4 years ago. My friends have noticed that I am not as happy and it coincides when I agree to spend time with him.
We are only just "friends". Anyway I have encounterd a moody person, one who blames many others for daily problems, he has current problems with co-workers, he always has some grandiose scheme, ( to own a half-way house, or develop a patten that will bring him in a million dollars etc) and he has to borrow money from his parents to pay his car payment. He's rarely happy and makes-fun of others, thinks everyone is phony, and never will you hear him say that he is having a good day. His behavior towards me is one full of mixed messages (come here and go away messages). We both agree to just be friends, but he gets extremely jealous when I speak to other men or treat him as a friend. He says his romantic life problems are because of me. I've messed up his mind and he can't get romantic with anyone but me now, "you have this control over my mind" he says. (yuck, I think).
I am not sure what got into me, but the last time I saw him I became this ugly person who was really mean to him. (totally inconsistent with my personality type)
OK, what is happening here and how in the world do I get off the roller coaster before being in another bad relationship.
What you describe sounds to me like someone who still has all the behaviorisms of the alcoholic. (Also known as a Dry Drunk, or "stark raving sober") Simply attending meetings is not enough. Yes, it is good that he isn't drinking anymore, but as I've heard in our chat room "You can take the rum out of the fruitcake, but you are still left with a fruitcake." Working the steps is how one gets to true recovery. When we work the steps, we are making ourselves over into a better person. We are taking a look at ourself, and changing what we can in ourself. We learn to take responsibility for our own actions (not blaming others or the universe or whatever). We learn to look at life in realistic terms. We learn to stand on our own two feet and not depend on others for finances, happiness, etc.
Your description of how you become sure fits with how we become affected by the disease of alcoholism. We react to how they are, and turn into people we aren't. This is why we have our own program and work the steps ourselves. We learn to act rather than react.
Glad you posted and hope you keep coming back!
Take care, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Yoiu know, just because he wants a relationship with you. doesn't mean you have to go along with it. Sounds like you know what you want to do here, you don't need us to tellyou what is right. Listen to your own heart, do what is best and healthiest for you. He is not your responsibility. You ask "how do I get off this roller coaster?". The answer is - boundaries. Set boundaries that you are comfortable with, and stick to them.
I was in a similar situation not too long ago. I'm in love with a recovering A and we started dating a few months before his first sobriety birthday. He has a little over 2 years of sobriety now and it has been a roller coaster ride through most of our relationship. I finally went to Al-Anon and got myself a sponsor and began working the steps. My life hasn't been this good since I was a kid! I'm not saying that I don't have problems, but I don't react to them like I used to. Things between my boyfriend and I have improved dramatically. It took me leaving for about a month for us to both straighten out our minds and figure out what we need. My sponsor told me at our first meeting that the people involved with the A get sicker than the A themself. That is so true. We don't see how sick we have become until it gets to the point where we can't handle it anymore.
I suggest that you find f2f meetings and go as often as you can. Find a sponsor and start working the steps. Read Al-Anon lit. everyday. Learn how to detach with love. Remember, A are good at placing the blame on someone else so they don't have to take responsibility. Don't let him blame you for the way he feels or what is going on in his life. Take control of your life and do what is best FOR YOU no matter what your friend says. An A can be very manipulating and they will find your weaknesses to get what they want. With my boyfriend, he didn't want to be alone and he was comfortable having me near. He loved me but was afriad of commitment so he ran when things got too serious. When I left, it gave us time to focus on what we need to do within ourselves to make our own lives better and manageable. We stopped chasing after each other and have started working together. When you focus more on someone else and not on yourself, the relationship will continue to get worse until you can change that focus to yourself.
Thank you all for the words of wisdom. I am so moved by the encouragement and help you have offered.
I know I need Al-Anon. Even though I haven't lived with an alcoholic or addict for 17 years. I spent the first 25 years of my life with alcoholic parents and a first husband who was alcoholic and drug addicted. Now, I have a son who is an alcoholic also.
Hi Casey. once affected by alcoholism we too need to recover. to say our thinking becomes distored is a little bit of an understatment. You said first husb was an A also , unfortunatly we keep seeking out the same types of personalities because it's where we know how to cope. As the child of an A u learned along time ago how to survive in that family and have just honed your skills as an adult.
Al-Anon will change your life for the better and in my opinion it is the best way to support our A's. Changing what I can "me" makes a big difference in all of my relationships. I did all the wrong things for the right reasons. but as I learn better ways to live I do better.
Sobriety does not guarantee success in a relationship (as your finding out) al anon will help u with that and A's are famous for the come here go away type of relationships. Drunk or sober this is a very selfish disease and until u set some boundaries for your relationship nothing will change and u will always be wondering what have I done now? When in fact u probably haven't done a thing. Alcoholics can change if they want to, boundaries help. Good luck hope u follow thru and find some meetings for yourself. Keep the focus on yourself and work this prog to the best of your ability and regardless of what he does you will be ok.
Yep, when he pulled away I wondered what I had done now. The last time I think that is why I acted so badly. I wanted to get it over with and do the pushing away first.
I will follow through with Al-Anon. I am now begining to become aware of some of my self-defeatest thoughts. The big denying that Alcoholicis and addicts haven't affected my life or I can tough it out. Interestingly, my second hub had addictions to spending, porn and sleeping aids. I had minimized it because it wasn't alcohol, prescription narcotics or street drugs.
Again, I thank all of you for your wonderful help. I believe I have found angels here.
Casey, I read your post with interest and concern. My answer to you is a simple one; go away from this man and onto a more positive direction. I do not agree with all the advice about getting into AlAnon so that you can learn to keep your serenity whilst dealing with this man. Go. Go! GO! Before it's too late. This man is irresponsible, immature, and unable to lead a "normal" life on his own. You deserve better than that.
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
