The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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level.
Looking for some suggestions. My husband and I have not spoken for about 10 days. Our last conversation ended with us both agreeing we should not speak as we were not getting along. As per his counselor he is being discharged today. We live on the east coast and his treatment was on the west coast. Long story short, I have not received a call from my husband as to whether he has been discharged, has a flight home or if he is coming home to his family at all. My emotions are in a jumble----he has not seen his babies for 5 weeks----I can't imagine that he's not running home to them. He's being vindictive by not calling me---I know he's angry that I was expressing my emotions while he was in rehab. I have no regrets regarding that issue. As we all know, life with an alcoholic leaves us angry and emotional---alot of time will need to pass before those issues are resolved.
As usual, a ramble ensues---I'm trying to be patient----should I call the rehab and ask if he has left?? Should I just wait and see if he walks through the door?? What if he just doesn't come home?? It's so strange, the first 2 weeks of his rehab were very difficult for me---I found a level of peace during the last 2 weeks but I feel alot of anxiety today. mom to 2
I would suggest that you let go and let god. Live one day at a time and get to a f2f meeting in your area. You need to get involved in Al-Anon which is for friends and families of A's. Easy does It. Susan
Not only is it a tough call, but I have also learned in alanon that it is not appropriate for me to offer advice. What is right for me is not necessarily right for anyone else. What I can offer you is a suggestion. Since you are the person who must make this decision, perhaps it would help you to spend some time working out what your feelings are about whether or not to call. When I am faced with a decision , I often call my sponsor and other alanon friends and talk over what my feelings are. Sometimes I get to a face to face meeting. Then I ask my higher power for help to lead me and guide me to do what he wants me to do. And then I spend some time listening. When I know in my heart what to do, I decide. Sometimes it takes minutes. Sometimes it takes days. But I always get an answer.
It's your decision, but you don't have to make it alone.
My husband has been discharged---he called and said he decided to spend the weekend in LA "decompressing". Anyway, I'm still here and left again with more time to spend trying to decide if I will be able to continue a life with this person who oddly seems to be more selfish in sobriety then while drinking. He has 2 babies here and doesn't seem to be concerned about getting home to them or me. I'm presently at a loss and can't imagine a future with a person who is in no hurry to get home. Anyone else experience anything like this??
My husband has never been in rehab or in any form of recovery. He is still sipping away and somehow surviving on a diet of morphine [for cancer] and whisky. So I am not able to suggest ways of dealing with some of your problems.
But I do know a lot of people who have achieved sobriety - my eldest daughter is seven years sober with the help of AA - and I've listened to many Alanons sharing their experiences about living with their recovering loved ones and I've attended many open AA meetings.
Most alcoholics when they find sobriety believe that their recovery through working the 12 step programme is the most important thing in their lives. If they don't work their programme, they won't stay sober. If they can't stay sober they risk losing everything and in your case that means him losing you and your babies.
Give him a chance to work his programme. And you work yours. You are already doing some of that by sharing with us.
But.... when he is back home and you have both settled down a bit then you can decide what you want for you. Set your boundaries, don't neglect your needs. Your programme of recovery is just as important as his. When he is ready, take him to an Alanon open meeting to hear the other side of the coin. We have lots of 'double-winners' at my Alanon home group and they are just amazed at what they hear.
I truly hope it works out well for you mum-to-2. Take it one day at a time. [I love the slogans] Easy Does It.
The book "Living with Sobriety" might help. It is CAL [Conference Approved Literature].
Hi Mon , relax and do nothing this is one of those times to just wait and see how it unfolds. If you haven't heard from him in few days then start calling around. He is just as scared as you are of him comming home, he is full of guilt and shame, for awhile u will be like strangers, keep it light and add alot of humor , be grateful that he is sober. As to your issues if u can come here and talk them out ,lots of meetings for youself and keep the focus on yourself, give him a big hug when he does come home and leave the rest to another day if u can. You can do this one day at a time, remember sober is better than drunk any day of the week.
Sobriety is pretty scarry i remember it well,no one knows what to say or do but that will pass and most of all for you remember u were not the reason he drank in the first place so nothing u do or say will cause him to go back out again, if he chooses to do so. Lots of meetings talk to your sponsor alot and lower your expectations and you will be ok. I lovingly called the first yr or so of sobriety , stark raving sober. they are nuts. don't react to insane behavior , deatch with love it will be ok. Al-Anon works drunk or sober. good luck Louise
Good posts above, I'd only like to add that meetings are very important for you at this time. You have a lot of anger, and need a safe place to set some of it down. I know I was a little bewildered by early sobriety - "But I'm so GOOD at being married to a drunk! I know how to do it! What now?" I'm chairing our meeting tonight, and while I was reading through the Literature, looking for some readings, I noticed my copy of "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage". It's a little oldfashioned, but as I was browsing through it, I kept thinking of you. There is a lot of good stuff in there, and some help on what to DO with all that anger and resentement - after all, it's not going to just disappear, just because he's sober!
