The material presented
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This post is for my sanity. I do go to f2f meetings, read my Alanon books, meditate but the pain just seems to hang in there. My recovering A is moving out on June 1. He has a new job in a different state. He said that he doesn't want to work on the relationship any more after 31 years. He is so negative about me ("don't know if I ever loved you") and has really just been a jerk for the last 5 months. He ignores me, well, he has avoided me for most of our marriage. He has quit being affectionate except on occasion. I asked him to maintain some type of routine family life for the benefit of our last son who will graduate from high school in May. He said he didn't want to see me or talk to me for at least a year. That doesn't seem realistic since we have 3 sons. We did agree to put our financial major decisions on hold until December. But he informed me that he was going to buy land and build a house. We use to plan our future and our house and our retirement together. I just feel so disappointed now. He at first said that he wanted a divorce. Now, he says he will wait a while to see how he feels. So I just sit in this emotional limbo. What would my retort be? I will divorce you then. That just goes against my value system. I asked him what we were suppose to tell friends and family. They are asking when I am going to move to be with him. So we agreed to tell them that I would stay here for five years because it is the only home the boys have known. But I don't understand why we don't just come out and tell everyone that he is leaving me. Anyway this is just damn hard and I just feel so sad. And so powerless. Thanks for listening.
I wish I could give you a real hug, but this will have to do.
I feel so bad that you are going through this, it has to be so hard.
I also got angry with your husband. It seems like he gets to move on but he wants you to remain in limbo.
You have to do things in your own time, for your own sanity.If you choose to wait it out, that is your right, but if you choose to move on that too is your right.
As far as what you tell people, that is completely up to you. Whatever makes you the most comfortable is what you should tell them, and if you want to tell them the truth, you have every right to.
If people ask you when you are moving on, politely tell them when and if you are ready. While they mean well it is your life, and no one else knows what is good for you.
You are not powerless, though you may feel that way. While you can't change what he does, you have power over your own life, and you do have choices. When you are ready you have to decide what is right for you.
Alcoholics are so selfish, but it is not up to us to clean up their messes and make life easier on them, even if they are choosing to start over.
Don't let him dump this all on you, you are entitled to your feelings, even if one is anger(and rightfully so). This is not your fault and you shouldn't let him convince you it is.
lastly remember you are not alone, we are here for you, even if you are just venting for your sanity. You are important!
I can feel your pain through your share. I am so sorry for what's happeneing to you. I'd like to share that you will get through it. Just don't do it alone. We are here for you. Many have gone through what you are experiencing. There's five stages for all different types of grief -- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and ALAS, finally Acceptance.
Only you know what your timeline is. When you are ready to make any decision you will know. You will feel it. Unfortunately the rug's been pulled out from under you. I am sorry. There are lots of self-help books on alcohol, grief and separation and divorce.
I have learned that "I am only as sick as my secrets," meaning that when I keep all my bad feelings and hurts inside, they literally make me sick. On the other hand, you'll want to find someone you trust that you can share all your feelings with. Feelings aren't facts. They are just how you feel. You can find trust and anonymity in Al Anon both online and at face to face meetings.
Please keep coming. We will keep you company as you go through this tough journey now.
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Sorry to hear about your situation. I know exactly where you are coming from as my wife, also a recovering A made pretty much the same kind of decisions as your husband. Also telling me the same "I don't know if I ever loved you" line as well. We were married for 10 years, and have now been divorced for 2 weeks.
I can offer you some things that have helped me get through all of this. First and foremost is faith that my HP is there for me and that He has a plan for me, that will make all of the hardships and pain I have been through worthwhile. There is a reason why we have to go through what we do in order to become that which He wants us to be, so that we can learn and grow from it.
Second, my HP has given me this wonderful program of Al-Anon. This program has taken me through the end of my marriage and the birth of a whole new person. The support and love I have received from members of this program, as well as from members of AA, has been crucial for me. And has given me so many tools with which I can face each new day, each new challenge that is put before me. I do not deny that it was hard and continues to be hard for me to accept that my marriage is over. I miss my wife and still love her. But I have been shown that denying it is futile and only results in my further delaying the next stage of my life.
You will know when the time is right to let people know what is happening in your life. Do not fear this. Do not let the guilt and shame attach itself to you, because it will try. It is not your fault. You did not cause this, you can't cure it and you can't control it.
One more thing, try to remember that your husband is sick. The hurtful things he says to you now come from his disease. I know it is hard to seperate the sickness from the person, but it does help me so much to remember that even thought my wife has said some pretty hurtful things to me through the course of our seperation and divorce, that she is still a child of God. I choose to attribute the negative things about her to her disease. It made our divorce process so much easier to go through and we were able to do so without any real ugliness.
Try to focus on yourself right now. Turn to your HP for strength and guidance. And remember that we are here for you always, and that you will be okay.
Thanks so much for all of your insights and support. Boy, did I really need to hear this. I think I just suffer in silence and I am realizing that it not good for me. Yes I will keep coming back to post. I don't want to go through this alone.
Hello. Iam glad you are going to meetings for yourself and children , u don't say how long your husb is sober but will assume 5 months -you mentioned he has been treating you badly for the last 5 months , he is what I call Stark raving sober!!! they are nuts and don't have a clue what they want, my husb and I separated along time ago for 6 months he did exactly the same thing , we were al lso miserable in his sobriety that I had no problem letting him go. His dry drunk was worse than the drinking. His leaving was the best thing that he could have done for us, yeah it was hard for me and I missed him but i found out in that 6 months that I was going to be ok with out him. I learned to trust God and myself in that time and my husb found out that home was where he wanted to be. We decided to try again and so far so good 16 yrs of sobriety now and things are much better.
Don't give up on yourself u just don't know whats going to happen, When my husb left our home I told him he had to talk to our sons I was not going to do that for him (again) it was h is decission to leave and he had to take responsiblitly for his own actions. After a few choice remarks he finally told them himself. Dont' do for them what they should be doing for themselves
Carry on focusing on your own needs, get to know yourself with or with out him You will be ok
SO sorry to hear of your breakup, I know you must be going through some hard times, Now it is time to focus on you and you will make it and we will all be here for you when you need us we are only a cyber (((((hug)))) away and we will listen when you think there is no hope there is the hope you seek is in yourself and HP keep comming it works if you work it and remember the 3C's and that we love you !!! Always cloud
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how it hurts, he has broken your heart. The plans and dreams are shattered, but you'll get through it. Now is the time to really concentrate on you. Do the things he wouldn't do with you, it is so surprising how you will enjoy doing things for yourself! After a while, you will begin to enjoy your new-found freedom, going one step at a time, one day at a time, with no-one to laugh at you, or run you down.
Remember, we are here for you! Look at it as an opportunity for a whole new life, no-one to make excuses for, clean up after, (well, one less anyway) etc., etc. Enjoy your freedom, then if he decides to come back, (who knows, after having your life to yourself, you may not even want him back!) but if you get back together, maybe he will have had time to appreciate all the things you did for him.
After my divorce, I was heartbroken for a while, but looking back now, I wonder why I didn't do it a lot sooner!! Even my kids can see how much better off I am now. They still love their Dad, but do understand how we just weren't meant to be. Now, even though I am with an A, I am so very much happier, even through the worst times! With the help of Alanon, the worst times aren't so bad any more.
I hope this is helping in some small way. It doesn't look like it now, but you may even prefer being alone. Please take care of yourself, learn to love yourself, re-discover you! Treat yourself to lots of TLC
