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I was in denial that my husband was an A, I am losing my mind. My husband left home about midnight Friday night drunk I tried to stop him but could not. I prayed that he would not hurt himself or anyone else. He called me every half hour until 4:30 am he told me he loved me. He said he was at the bar his dad drunk himself to death in.He said he was going to stay by his moms house it was walking distance. Both of his Parents were A. He never called me again, he never showed up for work or even called his boss. I got the phone call from his boss at 9 am on Saturday he was looking for my husband.I called his mom he never went there. I lost my mind I went on the computer and checked our bank account and found he checked into a motel at 4am I got directions and by the time i got there he was gone they refunded his money but the manager did not no why. I searched ever bar, side street dead end anywhere I could think of. I called all his friends and family no one heard from him called his cell phone it went right to his voice mail. After several hrs of searching I was physically and mentally exhausted I went home around 7pm. staring at the computer to see if he would do something again. at 11:47pm he took out $200.00 and I waited until 4:30 am and I finally fell asleep. The phone rang at 6:30am and it was him he said he was sorry and asked if I could go to him and bring him clean clothes ect.. I did he told me he blanked out and lost several hours he slept in his truck. He wound up some where he doesn't remember how he got there. I was crying I cleaned him up and took him home. He promised to go to AA and did not he said he can do it on his on. I feel like a stranger to my own husband. He is so depressed and says he is bored with everything. I am so devastated what can I do I am now depressed too. I went to my first al anon meeting yesterday. I feel guilty I just want my life back he hasn't had a drink since Sunday. I tell him I am proud of him but I am terrified. He has promised never to do it again. Now he told me tonight I shouldn't have called people to help look for him. I called everyone I could now it's out in the open and he doesn't want to see anyone. I even called my priest but he is not in until Friday I hope I can last I feel shaky and like I am having a nervous break down. Then I sometimes feel maybe I am making too much out of this I am so confused. I went to the library and got several books. Loving an a, What to do when a hits close to home. Am I going too crazy or is it normal to feel this way. I feel so empty.
Marina, I am glad you are here. You are responding exactly how most do when in this kind of drama.
Once you learn more about alcoholism and learn skills from alanon, you won't respond the same way.
His actions were nothing different than most A's. Sure I used to look for mine too.But then I learned to take care of me and leave the A to his own demise. Not trying to be col either. I cannot control what he does.
It is a skill you will learn in alanon. To let go and allow your hp to take care of him It is totally out of your control.
Did hunting for him do any good? All it does is make them feel all the more guilty for putting you thru it. And somehow that becomes your fault.
Of course you looked for him, you care. Sadly we learn they need the opposite from us. We need to allow them to be miserable. We enable the disease if we take care of them.
I won't even take my A food. Not anything. He is living with mommy now. When she dies, hopefully no one will take him in and he will get miserable enough to stop.
"Getting Them Sober" volume one is a very good guide. I use it alllll the time.
You are doing so many right things, getting lit, going to meetings. Pat yourself on the back!! Takes courage to do what you are doing.
keep coming back. There is a cool chat room and meetings there.
I have gone through a simmilar situation with my AH. He had been out with friends (winter time very cold) he had called to say he was on his way home which was abnormal for him in the first place. Well I waited 2 1/2 hours for him to show up but he never did. I began calling all the bars that he hung out at to see if he was their but they all confirmed that he had headed home when he called me. The weird part of it was that he never drove home he used the alternative driver. So I called the company that he used and they wouldn't give me any information about the drive. I was sick with worry and lost it on these people and they finally told me that he had passed out in his truck so they left him in the parking lot of another bar. So by the time I had found out where he was and had the neighbour watch the kids so I could go get him 4 hours had passed and I feared he would be froze to death. Well long story short when he finally woke up on the way home he was totally PO'd at me for getting him. I have never let myself worry again and let him be responsible for himself. The crap after the first time was not worth the expence of my sanity.
So sorry to hear your troubles, but you are not alone. I think we have all done exactly the same thing as you have at some time or other . Take heart , things can get better. You have to detach yourself from the situations and as everyone else has quite rightly sad leave him to get on with it , and take care of yourself. By worrying and stressing where he is you are just making yourself ill, it wont help the situation or change it in any way. I have also read the "Getting them Sober" books and they are brilliant , I learned a lot from them the author is Tim Rice Drew.
Sometimes denial is a wonderful thing, but then it backfires. I find it amazing that he is concerned that people now know that he has a problem. I am sure most figured it out along time ago. Keep going to your meetings ,you need support and u will find it in Al-Anon. It seems the only person who dosen't know they have a problem is them. go figure !
Alcoholics need enablers to continue the lifestyle and that is us , we believe thier lies ,, we make excuses for thier behavior and we cover up thier mistakes . Until we stop doing that nothing will change for them. When can step aside not take thier drinking personally, Your not the reason he drinks. He will be put in a position of being responsible for his own mess.
Our detachment pamphlet is a great place to start it suggests that we not do for others what they should be doing for themselves , not to cover up thieri mistakes. not to cause a crisis and not to prevent one if it is in the natural course of events. Not allow ourselves to be used or abused in the name of anyones recovery. and the list goes on. Absolutley nothing will change until someone changes, you are the one who see's the need for change so that is you. It says in our opening that changed attitudes can aide recovery. If you have an odat go the page on july 14th read it daily do what it says and u will be feeling better in no time. If you don't have an odat yet email me and I will send u a copy of it. or leave me a private message here on the board.
I saw my Deacon last night he married us. We were the first Wedding he has ever performed. We were supposed to be married valentinesday I hand picked everyone. my mom became very ill (colon cancer) and Dr. advised to push up the wedding so I moved it up six months everyone I hand picked the professional photographer and my priest ,dj & video guy now I was getting pot luck, I found this out 3 days before I was getting married because they forgot to switch my choices over. Anyway this deacon called me and said he would be marrying us & he wanted to meet me. I met him with my mom and felt very comfortable with him. he even did my moms funeral and is there for me now too. We tried to get my husband to go and he was very angry at me. he has been sober for 4 days and 4 nights so far I am very proud of him. he says he can do it on his own and if he needs help, he calls his friend bill who has been sober for 15 years now. Should I back down I really love him and want the marriage to work.Besides deacon Bill says his first wedding needs to stay together.lol
Keeping coming back, it works! This disease of alcoholism is complex. There is a lot of support here at MIP. We all have similar stories and we can learn from each other and help each other.
Now he tells me last night that he had a rough week and maybe we can have some wine and have a nice dinner he promises he will be ok and i told him i don't think so he said dont be a jerk about it . I then said one mikes hard lemonade was the start of this lets, not take this chance again. What do I do if he brings home some wine?
I really can not tell you what to do when he brings home the wine.
here is what happened to me this week. My A (husband) said he wants just a very small bottle of vodka. I told him that is how it starts then you will be drunk 24/7.
And so it goes. Thursday night he must have bought something because he has been drunk ever since.
My A too has said let's have some wine with dineer and I say, I prefer water.
But I cannot make a 48 year old man do or not do anything. That is up to him.
Alanon has taught me so much and continues to teach me.
So yesterday after work I got home and he was drunk. I put my mountain bike in the rental car and went to the park for an hour. He finally notices I am not home and calls me on my cell. I say i am riding my bike come join me and hang up.
I get home around 7 and he asked me if I got laid? I said what? not really comprehending- Did you have sex? he says.
I go downstairs and get changed and go to an alanon meeting.
When I come home thankfully he is asleep.
today he is very loving and I am sure does not recollect what he said to me.
But again, I am quite sure he is drunk.
I left home in my rental car to go to the library and go on the internet privately.
Marina, here are the 3 C's
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.
Take care of yourself
megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
he drank the wine and told me to have some but i said no thanks i don't need a drink to have a good time. then i thought if i drink he would not be drinking as much. but he drank like a fish. He had root canal done on tuesday so instead of meds he said to ease the pain he would have some wine 6 glasses later. he got smashed. tonight he said work was hell and he brought home a 12 pk of beer and he said i will only drink a few well its 12:04 and 11 are gone I don't know what to do. i told him that all his promises were lies and I left the bedroom and here i am exhausted and upset.but he doesn't have a problem no its fun
he went through another 12 pk tonight and I went to bingo (my first time.) its like hes jealous .he started trouble when i walked in the door threatning to leave i told him if he walks out the door tonight beacause he is so drunk it was over he is kiling me i am so sick to my stomach now im in the kitchen and he is in our bed. i don't even want to be near him tonight i love him but he is killing me i d rather sleep on the couch.
he has drunk a 12pk every nite since monday he is being suck a jerk he told my daughter he was leaving tomorrow and he was not coming back i said good don't he took the rent money & the deposit for the bank and once again left me with no money this is why i have a credit card balance of 2,500 because i have to survive some how. he doesnt want me to go to alanon so i didn't go but I am going this week he is making me very sick and now its effecting my daughter who is 12 from a previous marriage she loves my husband and its killing her too. She wants to go to alateeen she went once but I think we both need the help i was in denile i trusted him and he screwed me again. I never new he could be so stupid he is. I dont know how much more i can take of this
