The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks for all the kind wishes and support everyone has extended to me.
As for my situation, things are still pretty unclear. My wife got home from rehab on Friday. She did not inform me when she would be back, she just appeared. This was a bit stressful as I had my children for the weekend as well. Things were tense, but not out of control.
On Sunday she left to go and visit her children who live with her ex (about 2 hour drive away). It is the first chance she has had to see her kids in the past 6 weeks. She is staying in that city with her friends and I have no idea when she is coming back. We didn't really talk alot this weekend. She wanted some space and I gave it to her as best I could. When we did talk, it was generally polite, although we did get in one argument.
It appears to me that she is still playing the blaming game and has no interest whatsoever in trying to understand my side of things or any of the hurts she has caused me. However, it was me who told her prior to her hospitalization that I was finished and was leaving the relationship. After seeing her work hard and show interest in getting the help she needs, I have been willing to strive to reconcile. Understandably, however, she has her own guard up now and is unsure on what she wants. Therefore I have just been giving her space and time to come to her own conclusions. If she wants to end things, I would probably sigh a big sigh of relief, then go through the grieving process as I do love her. If she wants to work on our relationship, we will need alot of councelling and patience. We will need to work on boundaries, trust, control, resentment and a truck load of other issues.
One of the biggest barriers for me is that I don't feel she has ever tried to put herself in my shoes and understand the impact her actions and behaviors have on me and my children. I resent that I have continually tried to see things from her point of view, even if I don't agree, but don't feel that she has reciprocated this. I know I cannot change her, all I can do is try to continue working on myself and perhaps show her through my example what relationship building is about.
As for myself, I am trying to read as much as possible on al-anon, codependency, alcoholism, bipolar, relationships and anything else I can find to help me to understand. I attend f2f meetings 2 or 3 times/month, but my local group is small and I don't feel a good connection there. I am trying to eat well and exercize, but struggle with my motivation on these things.
I struggle with the steps of al-anon and wish I had a sponsor to help me through them. As my local group is small, this hasn't been possible. Step one is difficult as I find it hard to let go and give up what I perceive as control. Steps 2 and 3 are also difficult as I have not had a spiritual/religeous upbringing and find the concept hard to apply. I can understand these steps, but find them difficult to apply. As for taking my inventory, I haven't really tried yet. I want to have a firm grasp on the first steps before beginning this. I know the program works, as my father was an alcoholic who completely turned his life around once working the steps. I have seen the results of these miracles first hand. I only wish he were still alive to guide me through this. If anyone can help me through sponsorship, I'd appreciate it greatly.
Thanks for allowing me to express myself in this forum. It is extremely helpful to me to have this website to use as a sounding board and a resource for inspiration.
One of the biggest barriers for me is that I don't feel she has ever tried to put herself in my shoes and understand the impact her actions and behaviors have on me and my children. I resent that I have continually tried to see things from her point of view, even if I don't agree, but don't feel that she has reciprocated this.
Hi and thanks for the update
I can relate to the part of the post above (acvtually to your whole post)
The time I have tried to get my A to see my side of things - the terrible mental anguish he puts me through when drinking he just won't acknowledge it.
In fact he makes fun of me for putting up with it.
Have you read the getting them sober books? They have been helpful to me
Best of luck, take care of yourself.
My exercise is my commute morning and evening by bike and riding my bike on weekends
I don't always feel like doing the ride but feel better once I'm riding
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Alberta she is never going to understand how her drinking has affected you any more than u understand her drinking. al anons understand you and that has to be enough, talk at meetings find a sponsor on line or otherwise and talk out the anger til u come to terms with it.
Some times all an alcoholic can do is __ not drink , can't be civil or make amends. I decided that sober was enough eventually they calm down and start changing thier behaior but in the meantime keep looking after you. Just because their sober dosnt' mean things change over nite learn to accept what is offered and make it enough for now . she is what I lovingly call Stark Raving Sober - and it ain't pretty. U don't ahve to accept unexceptable behavior boundaries still work drunk or sober. and remember u were not the reason she drank and your not responsible for her sobriety. good luck enjoy one day at a time . thats really all we have anyway.makes life alot easier
Wow sir, I want to say that your list of what you need from her, made me tired and I am not an A!
Rory it has been my experience that my A will say, he has so much going on in his head that he cannot even think about a relationship. Of course you and I think, wait we are married and already in one...
Our loved ones who are A are very sick. They will always be an A and always needing to be on a "program" of sobriety. Just stopping drinking is not being in recovery.
My A and I have had many deep talks about being an A. I have learned from him the guilt they feel for all they have done to the non A's they love, is horrendous.
You know I bet some have to be in denial about how much their disease hurts others. I remind my A allll the time, it is the disease not you!
My analogy for step one is this, I have a river here by my house. I cannot stop it from flooding or wearing away the earth. I can enjoy it for what it is however.
Alcoholism or addicts are not something we can control any more than a river.
It is as simple as that. Can you control cancer? no. Part of the A's disease is to relapse Rory. They tend to be in denial and lie. So this is where ya learn that ya might as well accept them as is. We cannot change any of their disease. They have to live with it, they may choose to get help from rehab then AA.
But for me I pay NO attention to any of it. I simply have decided to love my A as is I would like him to be here more. But he is so sick he is attached to his mommys apron strings. Rory I expect nothing from my A. I sometimes just want him around to look at him. They cannot help that they are so sick.
My A wants to be sober so badly. But the disease is so powerful, he cannot or is not ready.
I felt from your post you are waiting, not going on with your own life. She may not have any answers for you. She may need to meet each day and do her best. She may not be able to go beyond half a day!
It all comes down to, what are you willing to accept? But it is my experience not to expect anything from my A.
I am just happy when he is having a good day.
Did you find, "Getting Them Sober?" It is the best one for me. I learned so much. I am talking volume one.
Some one once told me that my AH does know and think of things that he has done to me and the guilt of all of it is very hard on them so it is easier to say nothing.
I am sory that your group does not feel like "home".
I posted quite a while back the steps explained, they have helpped me so much!
I am also from alberta and would be more than willing to talk with you. If you ever feel like you would like to talk let me know.
It was nice seeing you in chat yesterday :). I purchased the alanon book PATHS to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions and Concepts. It is like a built in sponsor for learning. It goes through the steps in detail. Just a thought that it may work for you too for now. I still don't have a sponsor yet (due to trust issues) but I work on step 4 with my psychologist.
When my daughter did her outpatient treatment over a year ago, the counselors there had a family meeting in which was meant for her to learn how to FEEL about how she treated others. She did not FEEL anything then. She did empathize a little bit, but not much, with her dad and I when we read our letters to her about how her behavior had affected us with certain situations. At her recent inpatient center they did not concentrate on this as much but it did enter in at the Family Meeting once again. This time she could actually FEEL more but did hold back tears and still hasn't allowed herself to cry. We all had tears and I did alot of crying at both times.
I am not sure if you were able to have a Family meeting with your wife, but it would be nice if sometime in the future that would be an option for you. It was so healing for us. I wonder if you could even do it with a counselor, etc. This was just my experience.
You seem to have some great replies above. I learned from them too. I also rely on my HP/God but must admit I do forget about him/her way too much lately. It must be a learned behavior or daily routine I haven't accomplished yet. I do need to learn to surrender. This is a major shortcoming I do have. It is hard but very necessary to get to that serenity place for me.
I am so happy to see you posting and coming to chats! You are sure walking the walk and working your program too. Keep up the great work. your friend in recovery, cdb
