The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am sorry that I have not been posting much lately. I have been going out to my favorite and beautiful State park and riding my trail bike and walking for exercise. With my physical medical condition, I do not have much time to spare for much activity. If I do one thing then I have to give up doing other things.
My once estranged son who has been in my life now for about a year now, showed some regressed behavior this afternoon. He is recovering mostly from a most horrible childhood and from years of being strung out on ‘speed’ addiction along with other drugs like alcohol. He now seemingly uses the drugs pot and a little beer in a non-problematic manner. I have been weaning him of among other things from being dependent on me financially. I have been partially or mostly covering his rent and bills for a few months. He now has been at a cook’s job for a few weeks. His new employer a corporation of restaurants, (Not franchises like fast food and cheap restaurants.) seems very pro-employees with medical benefits, etc. We came to odds one evening were a lot of truth came out. My son came to recognize that he needs to pay his rent and do his own checking account. His income is okay but not great. He will have to live on a tight budget. After rent and bills he will have about $300 for gas, cigarettes, food, and his girl friend, per month. I have put a few lists of monies he owes me on the back burner. He only needs to pay his car note to me. Two days ago, he comes over to bring me his paycheck for me to write out checks for rent and bills. He has two paychecks. One of which is a tax return. I wrote checks for his rent, car insurance, and electric bill. He left here with $272, which was the remainder of his two checks. I suggested he open a checking account with that and he said that was intention. This afternoon he calls, says he will be over for a visit with me, comes 40 minutes late, stays for 15 minutes and chit chat and says, “You have any cash pops?” I with a big smile respond, “You’re pulling my leg, right?” He indicates no. He says he opened up a checking account with $200 and he cannot draw on it because the bank said it was minimum balance, a security or something. It is the same bank as mine and I know better. I say no to the loan saying that he cannot afford to pay me back. Stoically, he says he is okay, and kinda asks if I am going to meet up with him for a bike ride at the park tomorrow, (we are), and leaves. I figure if by some chance he cannot draw on the $200, where’s the other $72, (in 2 days?) and if he can draw on the $200, which I called to double check and he can, the he does not need my money. My gut told me that he like a juvenile was testing me the parent. He sure got ripped off from having anywhere near a successful childhood, but he is 29 years of age, a lot of growing up to do in a short time span.
I have a mixed bag of feelings: joy, resentment, frustration, easement, anger, forgiveness, used, helped, happiness, sadness, and so on. However, I feel mostly drained. I do not feel like going to the park with my son. I have my way of exercising and he will most likely want to clown around some and doing that on an uphill, against the wind part of the bike ride strains my old maimed body. However, if I can be of help with my God to help one other person in my life time of past evil doing and now a much kinder person and that one person is my own son… Jeez! I can give up one exercise morning to see where my son is at and be a parent a little more. I did say no to him today, risking his wrath and wryly ways.
A book? Of course not! I love to read all your posts. Our kids have been in such similiar places since we have known each other. I seem to always learn from what you post. It always helps me to know that you know about my health struggles too. I too have to give up things in order to do other things. It is a daily management thing for us. Not very many people understand. Especially when I may be out somewhere and look healthy or you may be riding your bike and appear healthy too.
One thing I remember with our kids is progress takes time. My daughter is starting her job tomorrow and hubby is more anxious about her keeping it or not. I am able to be in the one day at a time moment way more than he is. If they stay the age they were when they started using then they are still young. I am not sure how long it takes for them to mature to the age they are now. But with our continued support with detatching with love as we are able to do it, they can only keep on maturing. Thanks for sharing about your son. your friend, cdb :)
I can understand how hard it is Richard being a parent of an addict. My daughter, who is 20, is an addict too, and sometimes I feel like a bank machine. She recently got a job, and I am praying that she can keep it. Her recovery is shakey at best, and I am trying to be positive with her. It's hard though, when you have been lied to and used. The patterns don't change much. I have been setting boundaries with her and that seems to be doing ok. She has a tendency to walk over them but it's getting better. I wish you the best of luck with your son, and keep coming back. SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
I know myself with my older kids, you never know what any outing will bring. Maybe your son will suprise you and the pace will be more to your liking. If not, just enjoy the bike ride and more importantly the time together doing something fun.
I sure wish that I did not have company in our struggles with addict significant others, but it surely helps me keep my sanity to have it. I thank you way bunch! We will make it together.
