The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Not feeling very proud of myself tonight. Boy did I take 100 steps backwards!
I went to have the talk with my husband, it started out well enough, and then spiraled out of control.
I had myself very calm, knew just what to say, and he was sober and at the begining friendly enough, then he just turned the tables.
He wanted to know when I was going to grow up, and stop acting like a baby. He wanted to know when I was going to stop keeping his children from him and stop acting like Saint Jeannie the witch. He wanted to know why I was h$ll bent on destroying our marriage. He wanted to know when I was going to check myself into a mental hospital to get help with my holier than thou attitude. He said "I can't deal with you" little miss perfect who can do everything without him because I don't drink. He told me his drinking was not the problem, I am. He says a Saint could not measure up to my standards.
I tried speaking calmly and he put his fingers in his ears and started singing, "lallala, I can't hear little miss perfect. So I'm right, I'm right."
I don't know what happened, I should have walked away, but something in me snapped. I just blew up. I started screaming like a fish woman, there was venim dripping from my words.
I told him he was no man, he was a spoiled child. That he was no father, that he was nothing but a low life lying drunk, who treats his wife and children like dirt. I asked him how he can even stand facing this weak spineless shell of a man in the mirroe each morning.
His Mother then came into the room, and I turned on her. I asked her why she insists on emasculating her son. I asked her why she was so determined to keep him from seeing the damage his drinking is causing. She told me she loved her son, and was protecting him, and I told her that she and her husband where enabling him to destroy himself as much as if the helld a loaded gun to his head.
I said a lot more, every thought that has been pushed to the back of my mind all these months came pouring out. I was not just hurtful, I was hateful and horribly mean. I was hysterically crying and lashing out, and then I dumped some things I had brought over from the house that he needed out onto his parents driveway in the rain, and smashed a container of soup on them, and drove away. Hurricane Jeannie was in full swing.
How I got home in one piece was beyond me, but I did and I calmed down. Then the guilt hit and rightfully so.
After about an hour, I grabbed a dust pan and broom and drove back over there. I was going to clean up the mess I made and apologize to his parents. The mess was already cleaned up.
I knocked on the door and his Mother answered, I wanted to run away, but I had to apologize. Suprisingly she started to laugh, then she asked if I felt better.
I told her I was sorry about the mess, and for being so nasty, and she shocked me, she said everybody has a breaking point, and apparently I had hit mine, she said no apology was necessary, and then told me if it had been her, she might have wanted to smash his head on the driveway instead of the soup.
My husband walked out, and I said I was leaving. He yelled to me, and asked me why I wasn't willing to try and "fix" this marriage. I told him, enough, I said I can't deal with it anymore, I've had it. That his drinking had cost him our marriage and his children. I told him, to blame me if he wants, but short of my temper tantrum that I knew I was doing the right things.
He told me that he knows he is not the problem, and wants to prove it. I asked how. He wants to go to a marriage councilar. He says we should let them decide who needs help. He says he will honor whatever they say. He turned around and said, if you don't come I know you are afraid of what they will say, that he is right.
I asked him, if a marriage councilor says you have to grow up and get help for your drinking, you will? He sounded very cocky and said he knows they won't. He says when they hear his side, they will tell him it is okay for him to continue drinking and that I am unreasonable.
I said what if they don't? He said he agrees to do what the marriage councilor says, as long as I am willing to do the same.
I must be insane, but I said why not, it can't hurt. He is calling tomorrow for an appointment.
I don't expect to gain anything. I know no nothing will change, but for some reason, he thinks I will change my mind and take him back drinking and all.
The day is very confusing to me. I acted horribly, but when I apologized I found kindness in his Mom, someone I never expected it from.
I can't figure out why my husband wants to go to this councilor. I guess he is enough in denial to think it will make everything okay, and justify his drinking. Maybe it will help me walk away a little easier, I'm not sure.
I'm trying not to beat myself up to badly. I acted horribly and immaturely. I let him get to me. My sponsor told me it wasn't all my fault, that I did let him "push my buttons." But she said I have been under a lot of stress and she has been worried about me. She said, he knew just how to make me lose it, and did.
The simple fact is, I let it happen. I know I have a lot built up in me, maybe I should take up kick boxing, or some other way to release the tension. I've had a headache for weeks and tonight it feels a little better. Maybe I do keep too much bottled up. If that is the case I had better find another outlet that is less viciouse.
I think you should be proud of how you handled things. Sure, not all of it was how you planned, but alcoholism is a Family disease and it makes the entire Family Crazy! Your working the program will get better and better. Re-read what you wrote and do it again for the next few days. You will see all that you did do that was so good. We are all only human. Your husband's disease seems strong as can be. The childish part of putting the fingers in his ears and singing lalala will soon be something you will laugh at. And then for MIL to say she would have hit his head on the concrete will maybe have new meaning for her as well. She saw how immaturely he acted! Good Grief! It is obvious to me who the adult is in this situation and who the one is getting well and healthy. When you re-read what you wrote in a few days, you will see how sick your husband really is.
From what I have learned from couples counseling is that it is important for the two of you to agree on the counselor you will see. Believe me, this can be a very important part of this situation. Also, alot of counselors prefer to do individual work before couples work. Unless we work on our own selves, the couples work is quite useless. But this is from what I have learned and experienced. Years ago, when my husband and I went to counseling, the counselor immediately pointed out that my husband needed an alcoholic evaluation. My husband didn't but did show to be an adult child of an alcoholic. So he went into therapy for that and I went into therapy with the spouse group. How can we work on a marriage with such personal dysfunction?
I had a situation with my daughter where I broke dishes in the garage. That is when I realized how sick this alcoholism/drug abuse had made me. And this was after I started working my program too. I do believe that our HP/God does allow us to learn what he wants us to in his/her own timing. By you making amends, you learned a very valuable lessson. You also learned that this disease makes all of crazy.
I think you did wonderful! You took care of you, talked to your sponsor and came here for support. You are helping all of us learn from you too. I admire your courage. WE just need to keep living one day at a time. That has been an important key for me. your friend in recovery, cdb
Jeannie, you SHOULD feel proud of yourself. It took real courage to go and talk to him, and it was he who turned it around. I don't think there are many here would have dealt with that situation any differently. If you've ever been involved in a traumatic accident or event, you know that your body and mind act out of instinct, i.e. survival mode.
I say "way to go!".
I think the hardest part will be the next step, as my experience with counselors is that they will not label an addict as such, and this will only serve to reinforce his behavior. I hope your situation turns out differently.
Reading your post tonight I can't get over how much your *a* sounds like my *a*, i.e. they're master's at turning the tables. I agree with cdb's advice, read and re-read and you will see that you could not have done anything different in the heat of the moment.
Jeannie we are only human u no? Sometimes we have to let out all the crap we hold inside. It is healthy. It is not like you are doing it daily! We as women tend to hold stuff in and it makes us sick. You sound like you let out things you needed to say.
I say embrace that and be glad the poison is out of you. Be proud you said how you feel. Now move on, move ahead like you have been.
I cannot tell you how much more mature you sound since we first met on here. You have grown up.
Did ya reread your post? That was an A talking, a disease. Total insanity was what it was so forget it Jeannie, don't allow a disease to put bs into your head.
In fact turn it around, it was the disease talking about itself. I mean how much dignity and integrity can your poor A have, living with mommy and daddy? Believe me, he has to put you down, makes him not feel alone if you feel bad too.
My A disease was pulling that with me, and I said, give me a break, you live with your mommy.
His disease no longer messes with me. It knows it can no longer win. The only thing now is I cannot even talk with him with out it coming to, he only wanted drugs all along.
Anyway girl we are not saints. Alanon does not expect us to be perfect. If it did we would not always be in recovery... i mean have we ever asked each other," are you cured yet?" lol
I am proud of you for getting it out without strangling him...
Just kidding. love to you and your little ones, debilyn
We are afterall human. There is only so much that anyone can take without releasing their feelings.
perhaps it is good yur MIL saw just how upset that you are - and even empathized with you.
I agree with the others that your talk with him is not grounded in reality - even if he appeared sober it is his disease talking. My A mentioned a counselor once, then proceeded to binge for 8 days and nights......
My outlet for my- yes rage at the situation that I am in is to ride my mountain bike. I take off for hours at a time. I ride to the library, to the mall, or just goof around in the woods. I make my mind blank, refuse to think about the A and the laundry list of problems stemming from THAT situation...
I know you have a family to take care of, but perhaps can find some serenity and an outlet for your pain...
Take care
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
He wanted to know when I was going to grow up, and stop acting like a baby. He wanted to know when I was going to stop keeping his children from him and stop acting like Saint Jeannie the witch. He wanted to know why I was h$ll bent on destroying our marriage. He wanted to know when I was going to check myself into a mental hospital to get help with my holier than thou attitude. He said "I can't deal with you" little miss perfect who can do everything without him because I don't drink. He told me his drinking was not the problem, I am. He says a Saint could not measure up to my standards.
WOW - how many times have I heard that - in almost the exact same words...... I'm sitting here with my jaw dropped - I thought I was the only one up for sainthood.....
Thank you for sharing - hugs to you!!!!
I wish I could have a big blow up - I feel all this anger and I don't know how to get rid of it. I just keep taking it and taking it.....it takes a LOT for me to get angry and I can only remember 2 other times in my entire life. I know this is so totally wrong - but maybe if my A saw me blow up it would knock some sense into him.....
(((((((((Jeannie)))))))))) Hirst of all great big huggs!!! I agree with the others that you handled yourself well and your blow up was indeed warented!!! When going through so much and holding in so much it is expected that it will break out when prevoked!
I am guessing that in a few months when you reread this post which cdb had mentioned to do(i would print it out) you will be able to have a chuckel about it.
You made me think back a few years to when my AH would be abusive to me and he threatened to put me in a mental hospital and take my kids away from me. It was bad, he cut the phone lines locked me out of the house took my truck keys and so on well when I got my more than deserved po'd hands on him I got one really good punch in, durring the time I did not feel good about it and felt like I had been drawn in to his horible ways but now looking back I can have a good laugh about it!!! That was all dealt with long ago I actually did leave and file for seporation over it and vowed that a situation like that will NEVER be in my life again and he agreed to that too!!!
Why is it that they threaten us with our crazyness??? The more I think about it the more I want to put hidden cameras in the house to show mine the physical evidence of how the insanity is only his and not mine except for the fact that I have not kicked him to the curb!! lol
Hi Jeannie, boy aren't they clever little devils hehe. always find a way to turn things around and make it your fault ,one more time. (disease) you can go to counceling ,won't hurt but be honest about his drinking with the councelor and leave the rest to him. pretty good chance that when hubby finds out that he isn't always right, he won't continue anyway.
And good on you to return to your mother in laws home and apologize to her for your behavior. give yourself a bigggggggg hug for that one. good luck Louise
(((((((((Jeannie)))))))))))))))) I can so relate, as I've been there time and time again with my ex a. It got to the point that I realized my anger was a result of being so hurt, wanting more from a relationship.... as I struggled to come to peace about what I needed to do, it finally occured to me that this wasn't the life God wanted me to live and I walked away from that lifestyle. One of the most difficult things to do, but gave it all to God and asked for forgiveness of myself in my reactions to my ex a while we were together. Forgiveness came and in turn, I have the good memories of our relationship to hold in my heart forever. No bitterness, no anger towards him any longer and peace within myself because I no longer choose to live that life which was not good for me or my children. Hang in there Jeannie-- I do know how hard it is.... always remember, WE HAVE CHOICES!!! It is what we choose to do with our circumstances that make us the people we are..... I chose to walk away and trust God completely to hold both myself and my ex accountable for how we treat others. In turn, I've learned that I am a very loving, kind, compassionate person who deserves much more from someone in a relationship and will wait for that person who wants to treat me special. Take Care! :)))
I don't think you are the only one to ever step backwards. You are human, you will slip. It's not as important that you slipped, but that you get back on track. Going back to apoligize took alot of courage. It was wonderful of his mom to accept you, & tell you that you don't need an apology.
I did want to tell you something about counslers. First, you have to find one you both like, or it doesn't work. Speaking of experience, I found out that the counsler didn't tell me who's right or wrong. The counsler doesn't live my/our life, or know my/our feelings, or what I/we expect, or even what I like. It's the counslers job to help both my hub & me to learn to identify our problems, our wishes, our expectations, our needs. The counsler taught us to communicate, & to learn to listen to each other. If I've learn anything in counsling, I've learned to speak, communicate, listen to my spouse. I didn't go for the counsler to fix my marriage. I went so he could help me/us find our way, to help me/us decide what it was we needed, wanted, understood, or expected from each other. The counsler just gave us the tools. With the right tools we could have choosen to part CIVILY, & still be able to live with a decision we've thought thru clearly, knowing why we made our decisions. Although it was never really our decision to go to decide to stay together or not. It was more of a decision to be able to live together, happily.
-- Edited by De Anna at 18:17, 2005-04-04
__________________
Come back when you need us, come back, we need you.
Your friend, ~De Anna~ 8-D
Just wanted to comment to DeAnna on the counselor issue. My husband and I have seen several counselors over our 27 year marriage. One counselor said it was their job to decide if our marriage was worth saving while another was into the communicating aspect. My husband one time went on his own years later and that counselor at the second session told my husband she felt he had made up his mind to get divorced. WEll, we are still married and struggle like all marriages,,especially with alcoholism and adult child of family alcoholic issues. The best counselor was the one that had my husband get an evaluation and refer him to work on himself and for me to work on myself. That is just my experience. Oh, and one of the counselors refused to see us anymore because my husband wasn't doing the work she would give us. I give my husband lots and lots of credit for just going to counseling and trying to be a better spouse and person. I admit that I am not that easy to live with either being disabled and depressed. You have to give anyone credit that even tries to save a marriage or get better. cdb
Just wanted to elaborate a bit about your counseling experience. I sought counseling for myself about 10 years ago, in which it intially began with my husband at the time attending also. I'll NEVER forget that first session because my husband at the time began telling the counselor what he thought about me.... It occured to me that he was there to degrade me, belittle me and had NO intention whatsoever to work on himself. It was interesting though because towards the end of that counseling session, the lady who hadn't talked much throughout the entire session, but rather listened to the two of us-- me defending myself and him continuing to blame me and degrade my character, summarized it all.
She explained to my husband at the time at the end of this session-- (Geez, I remember it as if it were yesterday) :) She said, directly to my ex Ya know, Joe, I see the relationship with you and your wife as one in which I'd like to compare to a diamond. As she continued, she said to him, it's like you have this most precious rare diamond ( I think that is a Hope diamond ) She said what kind it was, but okay so I forgot that part. haha Anyway, she said that it's like he has this diamond and he has so many issues about losing the diamond that he keeps it in a velvet pouch in a bag locked away-- She ended the analogy in asking him, what good is that diamond locked away without nobody seeing the beauty of it-- losing its shine and luster as the years progress. WOW, that did it for me. haha, I was determined to get away and so from that point on I started counseling on my own.
I would have to say that over 3 years after this and several counselors later, on occasion my husband would join a session and because of all the individual counseling I had had, although I was intimidated by his sarcasm about me, I was getting stronger and knew he had the issues inside of him that continued to destroy our marriage. It took me 5 years, practically 4 times per month of individual counseling and then meeting some awesome friends to finally get out of that relationship. Then during the next 5 years, my counseling became less and less or with my children to help in their recovery now.
I learned that several things happen with counseling-- as one becomes stronger, you begin to have a perception of the relationship as if looking from an uninvolved party. You begin to see how much you are putting into the relationship and the other isn't or is in some case. However, if the person is not contributing or trying, you begin to change as an individual and gain strength in knowing that you are truly healthy to pursue such a feat. That is where with me, I've finally discovered the true meaning of the "unequally yoked" term according to scripture. :)))
Counseling has been a blessing for me, despite several different counselors--- Now the ulimate counselor for me is God. It was He who brought all these people into my life offering guidance and direction-- even my ex abusive relationship, as if it weren't for that relationship, I wouldn't be pursuing a Technical Management degree, trying to break that glass ceiling in business someday. If I hadn't been so intimidated by him for so many years, then I would never have learned how to not be intimidated by a CEO or even the President of the USA, or stand in front of a crowd of people and speak without hesitation... Matter of fact, I love speaking in public now and owe it all to the abuse. How's that for irony and how God takes our circumstances in our life and turns them into good for us?
You're awesome cdb.... I can't do the colorful huggssss here, but ya know if I could I would.
I think I've contributed quite a bit tonight, my fingers and wrists are a bit sore... haha Got too much time on my hand the past day, as it was my b-day yesterday and so I took today and tomorrow off work as a gift to myself. Went shopping today, bought some new clothes, a purse, and enjoyed a beautiful day looking out at the lake. I cannot wait til summer is here completely.
I know I am a work in progress, we all are. This past week has been a rough one, and although the kids and I have been doing okay on our own, and I know I have been finding strength in the program, I think I am coming to the point where I have to start making some decisions.
I know one day at a time, but I need to start taking a long hard look at my marriage( or lack of one) and decide where I go from here. I either have to find a way to make it work,(accept it for what it is, and I don't think I can do that) or make the separation permanent.
I just want to say, just because you agreed to this counseling thing "in the heat of the moment" and under the duress and guilt of the previous blow-up on your part, that does NOT mean you HAVE to go to counseling IF you don't want to.
Yes, your A pushed all the right buttons to try and turn the tables on you and place all the blame on you, but you already know it takes TWO to make a marriage and TWO to break one. IF you have already come to the conclusion that the situation is unacceptable and that you have had enough of the promises and lies and the trust is quite frankly gone, do what YOU FEEL is best for you and for your kids and don't hold yourself to an agreement made in haste, pain and guilt.
As in all of our lives, we all have the right to change our minds.
