The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the past I've mostly just read other people's posts, but since my A has decided to make some major changes in his life, I decided I should probably do the same. After ten years together, five married, I've watched him spend the majority of him time drinking, smoking pot, doing coke, and abusing prescription drugs. You name it. 90% of his "friends" did it too. His brothers and sister were all addicts as well. I've constantly tried to control his problems, making deals about how much and how often he would abuse. He never lived up to any of the "compromises" I made, but I kept trying. He stopped the Coke for a few years and we had a daughter. She's 2 1/2 now and the love of both of our lives. But it wasn't enough for him to realize he was drinking more than being with her, and eventually he got hooked on the cocaine again. Each time I found out about it, a little bit of me died inside and I started to feel so helpless. I felt helpless to stop him, and yet helpless to leave. I felt chained to a miserable lifetime with only my child and my family as the bright spots that kept me going on a daily basis. Then he lost his job at the beginning of this month. The depression got worse and worse, for both of us. Then one day two weeks ago, he completely freaked out and out of the clear blue he said he needed to go to rehab. I was shocked. Not only by his desire, but also by my reaction. I tried to convince him not to go at first. Looking back, I think I was just afraid. I had hidden his his problems from my family and friends for so many years and now I was going to have to deal with them and everyone would know. I tried to convince him to go to counseling, go to AA, go to hypnosis. Anything that wouldn't take him away from us indefinetely. Anything that would allow him to keep working, keep us going financially. But what I saw when I looked at thim that night was complete desperation. He couldn't hold it together. He seemed like he was having a nervous breakdown and I had never witnessed that before. He could do nothing but cry. So I gave in. I told him I would support him, and I would be there for him. At the time I wasn't sure I meant it. Luckily, my A is a veteran and so he had a real friend drive him the 2 hours away to the veterans hospital and he admitted himself. The first week was tough. Every time we talked he was so emotional, so upset. And he sounded so drugged out too. He slurred his words. I wasn't sure it was helping him. Now, 2 weeks later, he told me today that he feels better than he's ever felt before. He thinks he may be ready to come home and try to get into an outpatient program as early as this weekend. I'm so happy, but I'm so scared. I want to support him, I want to be there, I want to have a clean slate and start fresh but I'm not sure I know how to do that. All of the lies, the hurt, the pain, is still so strong and fresh in me. I know now that I can't control what he does. And I know that he really can't either. I know he needs to take one day at a time and so do I. I just don't know how to begin. I don't know how to handle him, how NOT to walk on eggshells, how to react to his agitation and anger, which I know he is bound to have often. I don't want to worry constantly that he'll relapse, that everything we've been through will have been for nothing. Will he think he can eventually start drinking again and that he'll be able to control it? Will he start smoking again? If he does, what do I do? I wasn't able to leave him before, so what makes me think I'd be able to do it now? He says he wants to be there for me and our daughter and I honestly believe him. He says he wants his lifestyle to change. He says he only wants to be with people who are clean and sober, but that will exclude so many people he's spent so much time with for the past 20 years - will he be able to do that? How do I start to trust him again?
I know this is a long post but I just needed to get it out. I hope that there may be someone out there with similar experience that can give me words of wisdom, tell me that I'm not crazy because sometimes I feel like I am. My best friend is a recovering A herself, and she's always telling me that I should leave because I'm doing damage to my daughter. But wouldn't taking her away from her father do just as much damage? They adore each other. Don't we all deserve a chance at being happy together as a family?
I know when my A quit it was definetly a scary time for me. Change can upset us as well as delight us.
he wanted different things and we did things differently and it sure was better than his drunken excess.
But he did not have any program and his behaviour was often that of a "dry drunk"
He wanted some finacial changes from me (I had started a personal account with $300 every 2 weeks of money for me.)
he said that he was better now and would I stop it. I was wary even then of relaspe.
I told him in 6 months I would stop having money diverted. In 5 months he started drinking.
What am I saying. What worked for me is that trust is earned. SLOWLY . A whole lot of trust was out the window and I was very cautious and slow to trust again.
i don't know if that is right or wrong but it felt right to me.
best of luck to you in your changed situation
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Thanks. I have done all of those things too - 2 separate accounts because he found out about the first one and took my ATM card out of my wallet without me knowing and cleaned that one out once. Now I have one at a completely different bank that I cypher as much into as possible.
It's confusing for me because isn't that one of the things I'm supposed to stop doing now? Am I still creating my own problem behavior by doing the same things over and over?
He told me he's going to his first AA meeting tonight and Friday his counselor has him going to a 12 step meeting, so I'm proud. But in one breath he says he's doing this all the way and the next he asks what he's supposed to do if we are out with someone and they order a beer, will he want one too? It scares me because although I know that will be a major hardship for him, especially in the beginning of his sobriety, what am I supposed to do? Can he order a non-alcoholic beer? He'll probably be too embarrassed. Hopefully AA will help him and he'll start to figure out how to handle these issues.
thanks for your insight, it really helps to know others feel exactly the same.
hello Missy, you don't say if you are attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself, the best way to support our husbands is to get our own program , learn about the disease of alcoholism and how it has affected your life and your thinking. I was told that an A can't go home to an old idea and stay sober , i was the old idea , everyone had to change not just the alcoholic.
Your fears are well founded , and you will find that sobriety is not the answer to all of your problems, and for me there was no such thing as wipeing the slate clean until I worked my way thur the steps, lots of meetings and a great sponsor.i can now leave the past in the past where it belongs and live One day at a time. but it takes time and we need people who have been where were going to guide us thru the changes we have to make.
I am glad your husb is choosing to recover, now it's time for you to join him, you have no idea where this program can take you. Neither AA nor Al-Anon promise to save our marriages but they will return sanity to our lives. God will take care of the relatonship. good luck Louise
Welcome Missy - So glad you are here and sharing with us. It;'s hard to open up the first time and let others know how much you are hurting. Those who haven't been where you are don't understand as we do.
Louise is right - find the Al-anon meetings in your area and go to as many as you can. Al-anon will help you make changes in yourself that will make your life and your daughter's life better.
