The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was thinking that when I don't feel good, that is when I get a glimpse of the resentment and anger inside. Want to call the A and say why don't you come out here and finish the job I payed you to do.When I feel good I would not do that. I would know it is the disease keeping him from doing what he says he will do.
When I don't feel well I won't go see him or call. If he calls I like that. When I am sick I always want my mom and him. Usually, or always I end up getting thru it alone.
I remember the struggle of not wanting to let go, the needing him and wanting him. It finally got to where I felt like, why bother? If I get those feelings I feel them and know to let them go.
I think it is a control thing. When I finally "gave up" or surrendered to hp I felt this relaxing inside. I never have any expectations of the A. I never believe anything he says. I have my own separate life. If he shows up or helps great. If not, oh well.
He is sick. He will always be sick. Sometimes he will be sober, sometimes relapsing, sometimes he will be taking pills or shooting up. Then he will be loving and protective, then he will be cussing me out.
NO wonder we get sick when we cling on to this horrible disease. I detach from it all. I am so much healthier. When I don't keep acount of injury or count how many times the A has let me down, it frees me to take care of me, and just love him as is.
I cannot stop the river from flowing, or wearing down rocks, or flooding the road. But I love the river, just as it is. How sick I would be if I tried to control it!!
Another element to the disease I get to deal with is the A will call me and be real nice. We will talk and I will feel good. Then he will say, will you do me a favor? I am thinking, oh no he just called cuz he wants something. He asks me for pills. When I say no he is not so nice anymore. All of a sudden he has to go and is not animated anymore.
So it has been the disease talking the whole time. This just happened not five minutes ago. I just learned about *60. You can put a call block on a number so they cannot call you. So I just did. And it was not easy. I am very lonely, I do care about the A.But I am not chancing talking to the disease again.
He even said please call your doctor and ask for these pills! Man the disease won't give up. I can get about anything I need. But I choose not to take narcotics for migraines, and I hate the other med I am suppose to take for depression. It is apparently very popular out there on the streets.
I don't like to feel groggy or down. I have too much to do.
Anyhow I blocked their number from calling me. He will go to a phone booth. I will have to not say a word and hang up and block that number. Pretty sad, eh? I am afraid if I talk I will want to hear his voice, but it will only prove to hurt me.
I write positive posts. I usually feel that way. But I would not have gained all the serenity with out the pain. The pain was so bad, I had to surrender it to hp. I could not live and contain it any longer. As it is I am disabled from my digestive system being so compromised.
I still feel love for my A very much. I could live with him, but choose not to becuz of the anger issues. I don't care about the lieing anymore or using or dui's. That is his problem.
I detach and take care of me. Have my own everything I share nothing material with him. NOt even my heart. I am not rich either. But I can make it thanks to hp. I have a beautiful home thanks to hp. I drive an old 78 Chevy shortbed pickup.But it is solid and I love it.
I was going to get a newer vehicle but said forget it and I am going to fix up my old man truck. It has windows that roll down. It does not have some computer crap to cost me hundreds to fix. It not covered in stupid carpet to get mud and hay on.
Decided instead of more bills, payment, insurance etc. I will just put it into my truck and rent a car when I want to go far or take a train or fly! Keep it simple. I love that one. I am a hang it on the line kinda woman. I don't need some fancy suv. I want a truck with grass growing in the speaker. lol
Anyway I do relate so much to everyone. I am so happy to share my experience. I learn so much from all of you sharing too. Makes me stronger. New ones don't realize how very very important their shares are.They always reinforce my steps to serenity.
tooooooo looooong. hugs, smoinks and I better go feed Estersue who surely thinks she is wasting away. love,debilyn
Gretchen, many, many years ago, after living with this active abuser of drugs like alcohol, left me saying, “…I thought I knew what love was… Love does not cover all the bases.”
I write positive posts. I usually feel that way. But I would not have gained all the serenity with out the pain. The pain was so bad, I had to surrender it to hp. I could not live and contain it any longer. As it is I am disabled from my digestive system being so compromised.
Hello Debilyn, there I got the spelling correct this time
Yes you have many many positive helpful posts to your credit
And a razor sharp insight that is eye-opening to read
And the pain, oh the pain that carved that insight
I know it well.
I often think what exactly is my HP trying to teach me now.
And I am not sure yet, but I am learning.
Peace
megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Debilyn - you and Megan have posts that I always can relate to - I think our situations and/or personalities are pretty similar. Thank you both for being positive and giving me hope.
Sorry it took me so long to read this. Have some of my own pain going on in my heart. Wow, I can sure feel your pain when I read your post. I am proud of you for doing the 60 thing on the phone. His disease sounds like it has almost taken over his entire being. So very sad. And you can always undo the 60 thing too. Nothing has to be a permanent choice. WE just got to take care of us, anyway we can.
Love the part about your pickup :). The sense of humor is what helps me too. My mom is still alive and I relate to wanting your mom when ill. My mom is not that capable anymore with her alzheimers. So, the memory is what keeps a person calm and comforted.
Keep on doing what ever you need to for you and your recovery. your friend, cdb
Thanks again Debilyn, I love reading your posts. They are so full of wisdom, I always gain something from them. You have such a great sense of humor, no matter how awful things can be. I pray for peace and serenity for you and your wonderful animals. I can't imagine life without animals! My horse has a big soggy shoulder sometimes and he is such a compfort to me. I also have a donkey and 2 cats. Love in the program, TLC
man! were you writing this post to me??? lol! i am doing exactly what you have learned to come to terms with....not wanting to let go, needing him and wanting him. not wanting to let go of the man i want him to be, needing him to be nice to me, needing him to want me, and wanting to be loving and romantic and friends with him! i am still soo deep in all that longing, deb. that is what trips me up, time and time again. will i EVER learn???? it just feels like i will never stop feeling this way!
sometimes i AM able to let go of that, but it's not with a peaceful, serene feeling. it's in hurt and disgust that he keeps disappointing me all the time, so i finally let it go....for a while. and feeling sorry for myself all the while! and mad as hell at him!!!!!
man, i feel like this is my first day in alanon! i am introspecting every thought, feeling and action i have today!!!! time to get off the comp and get into something to distract my mind! david needs a haircut!!! snip snip snip! love ya girl! lor
