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My husband and I had a bit of a conversation if you could call it that. We were discussing what his reastion would be if I flat out told him that he needed to get sober and needed help. Well.. that did not go over well he flat out said then see ya! Totally not what someone in my situation wants to here. So I never got mad or let him know that it upset me but asked him if he ever considered all that this does to me. I explained some of it like the upset and hurt and feeling like I have to watch out when he is drunk and tries peeing all over the house (groose!!!) I just can't knowingly let him do some of the things that he does. He took it as what HE does to me not as it is the disease and I told him that. It is Alcoholism not him personally. He looked at me like I was crazy. I wasn't trying to put blame on him what I was trying to do was have a conversation with my understanding husband. OH NO wrong personality today I got the pissed off at the world personality today. I am discovering that he has many personalities and I need to start to regognise which one is talking to me. OUCH today was not good for progress. Thank goodness I have a meeting tomorrow. Which is another mistake I said today because he just can not fathum the fact that it helps.
I have been doing alot of wondering and thinking about me if I am willing and able to continue to live like this...I don't know the answer to that yet but I am considering leaving.... It is so hard because I feel like a failure and it hurts just thinking about it. I almost feel guilty when I think about it because for better or worse and giving up on the worse just sound so harsh.
I guess what is bothering me the most is that I have been so compassionate, understanding, carring, supportive and what I think is a pretty good wife to put up with soooooo much and he could care less. He does say that I'm great but only when drunk so if when he is sober and acts like he totally hates me then what the hell am I doing this for... he dislikes me when sober and I want him to find sobriety but why to treat me like crap????? NO
GRRRRRR I hate this disease and the multiple personalities my husband has.
I messed up and know that I tried to take over by talking to him. I was doing so much better by letting go and letting god. Hubby was actually seeing and now he is fighting it all even my recovery.
So here I go.. Let go..let go.. concentrate on me..do for me.. work on me..think for me and kids.
WOW, YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE IN A SIMILAR POSITION TO ME. ONE DAY I THINK I CAN'T LEAVE FAST ENOUGH AND THE NEXT DAY I WONDER WHY I THOUGHT I MIGHT LEAVE. NO WONDER WE'RE CRAZY!
AND I GET THE SAME COMPLIMENTS WHEN HE'S DRUNK AND NOTHING BUT ATTITUDE FROM HIM SOBER. SOOOO, I'M ALWAYS THINKING IN THE BACK OF MY MIND THAT I MAY HAVE TO GET OUT ONE DAY AND I'M GONNA BE READY. THE HARDEST PREPERATION IS THAT OF MY HEART. I CAN PUT MONEY ASIDE AND TRY TO SCOPE OUT A PLACE TO LIVE. BUT, MY HEART IS STILL BROKEN.
YOU'RE RIGHT THOUGH WHEN I LET GO AND LET GOD, I HAVE A MUCH MORE PEACEFUL TIME. IT SOMEHOW HELPS TO KNOW THERE ARE OTHERS OUT THERE SUFFERING TOO,(ALTH OUGH THAT SOUNDS KINDA SICK!)
I am so sorry this happened to you. I guess it just show us that all we can do is work on us and decide which is best for us. I am not having a very good night and can't think of anything else to say. My feelings are pretty intense now about things and all I can say is Thank God I have you and the friends I have here,,,,the ones that I care about,,,which is most everyone here but the few that choose to be cruel. So, let's keep on working on us..and getting better one day at a time...cdb
Remember the 3 c's, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
I know myself the fact that this is a disease makes it real confusing in a marriage. We promise in sickness and in health, and for better or for worse.
I guess the line gets fuzzy when it aseems to be all worse, most of the time. I know people with terminal spouses go through a lot of pain and suffering, but spouses of an A, get constant abuse, insanity and blame added into the mix.
I know if my husband was so ill he was incontinent due to an illness, I would have no problem cleaning him up, kindly and lovingly. But I know myself, I get tired and angry cleaning pee off of the kitchen floor, out of a drawer or closet, or wherever he believed the bathroom to be in a drunken stuper. Not to mention that when he is that drunk, he does not remember doing it, and calls me a liar the next day.
You where mentioning how he treats you worse when he is not drinking. There was a chart in a book I read, I can't find it, but I will keep looking. It was sober, vs not drinking and the differences.
It compared the attitudes of a sober person in recovery, against a person who is just not drinking at this time. The sober person had healthy possitive attitudes and was looking for any way to not pick up that first drink, while the person not drinking, felt that he was giving everything up by not drinking, was negative and angry, and looking for an excuse to begin drinking.
I'll keep looking for the chart, but I hoped this helped.
hi JJ, your post is really hitting home with me. 16 years go, at a F2F meeting I said it was "decision time".....and here I am, 16 years later, still living with the A, wishing I had the courage to leave. Don't know what keeps me here, but as near as I can tell, it is fear (what will he do to the kids when I"m not there to watch, etc). I know I shouldn't let this fear rule my life, but I am a person who doesn't like confrontation (laughable considering I live with an alcoholic). At least he is not mean to me when he is sober, I think if he was it would make my decision a whole lot easier. I hope you find the courage to reach your decision, whatever that may be, and know that you're not alone, there's a whole bunch of us out here in the same boat!
hello JJ , I learned one simple thing regarding your conversation , the more I try to open someone's eyes , the more they close thier ears. Trying to make the A understand how his drinking affects me is a waste of time , even sober they don't really get it anymore than I will ever truly understand alcoholism. I do know however know that when i got happy and got on with my life my husb got more miserable any change in the family dynamic upsets the alcoholic above al they must maintain control or the situation at all times. (nature of the disease) detach with love and allow him the dignity to live his life the way he chooses get your life back on track and you never know, it says in our literature that changed attitudes can aide recovery sooooooo the more u discover about yourself and why we do what we do, the more able we are to make life changing decissions when and if the time comes its one of those "you'l know situations" u won't h ave to talk it over with anyone you will simply know it's time. wether it's a decission to stay or go. you will know
HI JJ, I am impressed!! You said you discovered he has more than one personality. That is progress to me! I heard you say a lot in this post.
You could be me writing your post,cept for the kids. I sure know where you are. I do know about talking when ya catch them sober. Thankfully my A is very learned about AA.Sadly he relapsed after many years in AA due to a medical relapse.
I don't see it as not letting Gof for you to talk to your A. I have gotten the see ya, but it is more I can leave you know. I always say, it is your choice honey.
My A is not living here now. He has bounced in and out of here so many times, and left in a hugg many times. Well this last time I would not allow him to sneak back in. I moved forward.
We are still married and see each other and will help each other. But JJ I do not want to live with the A anymore. Well that is not true. I can live with the A, but not with the anger he has inside. The alcohol tends to loosen him up and he lets that crap out.
I wish he would say when things bug him. But he doesn't. He is so afraid he will hurt me then when he is drunk or whatever, man oh man it comes out. Always the opposite of what he told me. Then when he is sober, we are back to the other way.
So JJ I choose to not play that game. I take care of me and when I get to see him great. When he is gone at his moms I miss him terribly, but I am having fun here at home.
I see ALOT of progress in you! I think a lot of us tend to not see it, that is why we are here to remind each other.
It is funny but when I get the most confused, I seem to be the most clear to people here! I felt that after I read your post!
You know what I have learned is my A is grumpy at me becuz he feels so guilty. He plain does not feel good. He calls it alcohol sick.
Anyhow, one day at a time. Don't forget to love you. love,debilyn
Thank you ((((friends)))) Your replys help me alot amd mean alot to me. Just reading them helps alot. I am feeling alot better today and being a sponge. I am learning from my mistakes. What I have noticed in the last couple of days is that in this disease my husband has a few personalities and noticing this will help me to respond accordingly.
Thank you for letting me vent and share. I am greatful for all of you!
”Alcoholism not him personally…” Your man’s alcoholism or abuse of drugs like alcohol, etc. is him personally. It is a lifestyle that he chooses to keep. The tools for him not to pick up the next first drug like alcohol, etc. are all around him. By the way, when it comes to choosing addictions, what rewards to you gain from compellingly sticking to a relationship, that has little relating going on, and where you support an abuser of drugs like alcohol, etc. and of you and home? The one and only true Love does not hurt… not at all… not in the least, ya know. What in your character make-up or personality gets supported by you keeping up such a false relationship… not much reciprocal relating going on, remember? (“My opinion”) I chose to leave my lifestyle of addiction to drugs like alcohol, etc. behind and so have a multitude of others. I believe, (‘I’ as in me) believe that most of the time that two bucks in the ‘basket’ is definitely not enough therapy.
I don’t have any words of wisdom for ya. I only can offer what I have experienced, while some may view my experience as a complete and utter failure and judge me as a doomed to fail, I don’t care. I care what I feel and what I think is right for me. Yep you do have some choices as I do, I know what I am willing to live with and what I’m not. I have made a choice not to choose the life or lifestyle that has been. Does this mean I cut and run? Maybe. This also however means that I will work the program correctly this time out for the suggested 6 months, and truly be working the program before I make any major changes of this nature, that means for me work the steps, not like I’ve done in the past as I myself know I am doomed to fail if I do it that way again. Maybe my thinking on this may change, may be not, but I won’t know till I do that. Am I concerned about my progress, you bet I am, I am trying to turn that concern into action. The life style change I desire now, while it does include not living with an active alcoholic, encompasses many changes that I desire in myself and my thought process. Were all these things about myself evident to me my first time out, nope. I was still in the “if she would just grow up, quit drinking life would be rosy” stage. I guess if I could have predicted when she would hit her bottom, or how, I’d be a million air. I just know that I have, and there is some clarity that came from that for me, maybe not the clarity I wanted but none the less some reality in lieu of what I want reality to be. What happens for me and mine, who knows what the outcome will be. I just feel that I have to do what I can for me before I can be at peace with my part in the outcome. Give yourself some flexability, minds and hearts do change, I really do believe that.
Mark huggs to you. I will try to keep my chin up!!! thanks for making me smile:) I agree with what you have said and do believe that the heart and thought process will change many times throu out the work of my program. I am only just about 3 months into my program and working my steps and trying so hard to put the focus on me.
There are many things that I will not live with and will not tolerate and have made this very clear to my husband.
Richard yes there is alot that is not reciprocated in our relation ship I know this and see this and yes it can be and is painful. This has also evolved as the disease has taken a bigger tole. I do believe that I give my husband alot more than he deserves and I know that I do not deserve to be treated awful. This is not an every day thing and not all the time. Like I mentioned before I am noticing the many personalities he has and I believe that it is because of the disease.
I am working on me right now and have to give alanon a chance and put in my 6 months and go to my meetings before I do anything or make any life changing decisions. I want to do this and right now I am not sure if I am ready to give up on my marrage I think that I am having a hard time making any decisions as I already have 10 yrs invested in this relationship and not all has been bad. I figure that when my decision is made as to what i will do I WILL know what is best.
I can totally relate to the multiple personality thing, living with an active A is so crazy! Have you read that article someone left hear a few weeks ago called 'The Merry Go Round named denial' its a great article I found really helpful.
I have also read the AA big blue book which gave me a fantastic insight on what its like from the A's point of view - i dunno it just helped me accept him as him a whole lot more.
It's Ok to have days when you really struggle, we can only do our best and tomorrow is after all another day just one day at a time babe.
A good thing I have found that makes things way easier with my A is to get out of the house and do family things together, visits to beach, walks, taking son to park ect really aseems to help me and A.
By the way love your posts, you are so open & frank.
