The material presented
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Well, we got through the first weekend back together as a family. It has been alot harder than I expected I must say. I am so happy that my husband is home and I realize that he has to continue to work his program and think about himself. I am just wondering when the hell anyone is going to start thinking about me?? I know that I must be understanding but you know what; I am feeling a bit resentful. Not a good thing with him only just getting home I know. It is just that even before he went into treatment, he was living here on and off for like 1 1/2 months, I found out he was seeing an older woman for what he said was a "confident" ya, ok. So, we haven't been living like man and wife for quite some time. I feel like he loves me but when he looks at me it is like he has disgust in his face sometimes. Like he blames me. I told him that today . He had been going on about how, since so many people in town know that he was away at treatment etc.. that his reputation is ruined in the city. Like it wasn't from his behaviour before he went..??? He was moaning about the kids bickering about having to go to church. That it ruined his day having to wake up to that kinda stuff and did I know that "they" suggest he have 2-3 hours of "alone time" each day....ya ok, plus do 30 meetings in 30 days...hello, welcome back to reality...not going to be able to happen. There is something called work and family and responsibility. I don't know. Need advice I guess.. Am I being selfish, or close minded... I just want to feel appreciated for what I went through and be shown that he does love me and is glad to be home with me...
I can feel your frustrations and pain. I have never been in your situation and have nothing incommon to share. But if your want sucess for your husband he must work his program just as you must work yours. I understand what you say in appreciation for you, like you have stood by your man and supported him all the while you dealt with the uglyness of this disease and he should see this in his clearer mind. Well all of us here are appreciative of you I know this is not the same but for now until he is able to see that and appreciate it take it from us and grow in strength from us to help you through this hard transitional stage of your life. You want him to stay sober and in that you are going to need the strenght and support of your friends just as he will but in this you can work this together.
From what I have read you need to give your husband the space to work his program.
I have come down a long sad road of expectations. Then I found alanon.
At first I wanted him to: work! He worked when I met him and I kinda expected he would always work. Well all of my moaning and complaining did not get him working.
Then I realized that he is an alcoholic and cannot work right now because he is drunk all of the time.
Then I complained about this and he quit. For 5 months last year. At that time I never mentioned work as it was so nice to have a sober (if dry drunk) husband in our home.
He did not have a program and started to drink again. Now he says he will be the infamous "winter drinker" hey, its spring.
This is just my experience that sobriety is the most important and also just the beginning.
do something nice for YOU today. Alanon teaches us to tend our own garden. Let the alcoholic clean up the weeds in his.
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Hi Alanon, has a wonderful booklet on "Living with Sobriety". I was just reading where some alcoholics are not drinking but have dry drunks. They, too, are adjusting to this new way of life. It's not easy for either side of the fence right now. I have been through this twice, drying out.
Sometimes, it's like living with a little kid learning all over again. My husband once tried to wash the siding with the windows open. This was 2 weeks sober in 1986.
He had 10 yrs. sobriety, and started up again. This time in sobriety, since his disease progressed, he experiences dry drunks, and yep, it's my fault or the neighbor's wife's fault. I get those weird-eyed looks, too. The most important thing for me to do, is detach, ignore them, don't react, and give them power. I am practicing a great deal of patience and tolerance for about 6 weeks now. It gets better every 2 weeks.
He does a back and forth pattern, too. As far as somebody thinking of me, my alanon friends are the only ones who do! And then my adult children, do things with me. Other than that, I pretty much have to think of myself right now, and be good to me. [ self-care.]
I know I am very frustrated lately, as it is taking longer this time for us. I once rread where the first year, the alcoholic can be getting their head out of hock, the second year learning how to be human. And I thought--wow--that sounds like us! I pray it goes smoother for you. Keep building yourself up.
Sadly my husband began drinking again, and we are again seperated, but when he came out of rehab last year it was tough.
He had many demands that he said the program said he had to have. Anything unpleasant or noisy, we have 6 children and one was an infant, he would say, I am not supposed to deal with this, it is pushing my buttons, drove me nuts.
He said he needed lots of sleep, because of not using, so if he was not at a meeting, or work, when he felt like going, he was sleeping, and he complained about noise, because now he was sober trying to sleep during the day.
He was also still blaming me for everything, and was angry. The councilor told me to give him the space and time he needed to work his program. That the kids and I would have to take a back seat for a while.
She also said she understood that it was hard, as we had been taking a back seat for so many years due to his drinking.
Work your program and give him the time to work his, hopefully it will work and in the long run, you will all be happier for it.
hi, yea I sure know how you feel. I took my A to rehab once and wanted to know where my jammies and room were. Ya get fed and have group counseling.
My first thought was, as I read your post, he has a disease that takes all these treatments. Not unlike cancer which some have to go to regular radiation, chemo, counseling and more.
If the A does not follow a program he/she will relapse and use again.
This is where taking care of ourselves comes in. Sure I know we cannot give to ourself what we wish the A would give us. But we can do what makes us feel good. Keep our self happy but what ever it takes. With in reason that is.
I felt a lot of anger in your post. Do you go to f to f meetings?
You know, when I have a migraine, or my arthritis hurts or my ibs is flaring up, I think about how my emotions are hard to bring up. I don't feel like hugging or anything.
Maybe you could ask your husband to go on a date with you., just you. Go eat somewhere, no expectations. Get to know each other again. It is ok for you go hug him, break the ice and let him in some. I have noticed for me, I need to take what i need sometimes.
Take care of you. After being alone for so many years, I learned to be alone and like it. Now if I get some time with my a I treasure it. It is an addition to my life. He is not my life. He is a part of me, but he is not what makes me happy, or not the only thing.
Cheating is not becuz they are an A, neither is abuse. If that behavior is going on, then there is a lot more work to do than AA.
I guess this is where in sickness and health comes in. Ya know I told my A, even the little things mean so much. He picked me a daphne flower for me to smell. I loved that. I told him ya know I have not heard I love you, or even a I like you in over a year from you.
He got all dewy eyed and said, "I like you." I said, "You do???!!" Was so nice. Means more than if he said I love you.
For me it is the little stuff. You may want to have some you and him time set aside. Tell him how you feel. That you need to know once in awhile that he likes you and what you do. Let him know exactly what you want. Men need to know. Tell him you want him to hug you once in awhile. I told my a to please hug me, or grab my butt!
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the drama, we get so heavy with it, we forget to laugh and be light.
I hope you have the energy to woo your husband a bit. Would not hurt.
