The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After 3 weeks in psych ward, my wife was home Friday. We didn't talk much and I had to leave for the weekend for other commitments. She stayed home alone.
I tried to call her yesterday, both at home and on her cell, but could not reach her and received no call back.
It isa struggle to let go, and trust that God islooking after things. I so wanted to drive there (a 3 hour drive) to ensure she was ok. After 9 suicide attempts, I tend to panic in these situations.
It is so hard to let go. The dark thoughts start to invade my head. She's attempted another suicide, she's having an affair, she's gone somewhere to get drunk with friends....then I start to think that she is being extremely selfish by not calling...knowing that I would worry...and I get angry.
Maybe she just needs some alone time after being in the hospital.
I continue to obsess over this, and it is killing me. I cannot focus, I worry, I resent.
I want to leave this behind and move on, but it keeps pulling me back.
I am trying to enjoy my weekend with my daughters, but now I am totally stressed out.
What has worked and continues to work for me when being presented with all those feelings and doubts is to completely recognize my emotions when they are happening, express them and visualize a balloon filled with helium-- any color you'd like, a color that makes you feel peaceful-- put ALL of those emotions into the balloon as if they are captured there (and I've often done this with tears and so much pain in my heart so that was part of what I pictured going into this balloon) Once I seen these in the balloon, I pictured myself releasing the balloon into a beautiful blue sky rising up higher and higher to eventually reach God--- It is difficult to get to this place initially, but with practice it comes naturally. AND, eventually, you don't even need that balloon.
A good friend of mine offered this advice to me admist my sporadic anxiety attacks, which result from so many abusive situations throughout most of my life and it has been one of the most important things someone could have done for me.... It always keeps me in contact with God and if I get lost, it helps me find my way back as soon as I see that balloon in my mind.
I certainly hope this helps for you, as I know the pain you go through.... Take Care of You and your daughters. Life can be so much better. We all have choices and often times what we think is killing us is only a decision away to a lifetime of happiness, if only we can ALWAYS remember that God wants much more for us and to be peaceful. :)))
I just read sanddie's reply and wow,,that is something I am going to try! I am thinking of you and will say prayers for you. I try to think sometimes how my daughter is probably having a great time relaxing, enjoying herself, not having a care in the world, etc. while I am in a panic with some similiar thoughts as you. When I find out that she was indeed having a great time or no care in the world and comes out fine, drunk or sober, it makes me mad at me. I could have been having a relaxing time and enjoying myself too! That is what your post made me think of rory. I am going to remember sanddie's visualization and also remember what I just put next time I am so worried if my alcoholic/drug addicted 20 year old is using or not. I am going to leave it in my HP/God's hands and her HP/God's hands too. And if I can't, I will come here for support too! ((((((((((((()))))))))) lots of supportive hugs for you. cdb
It is so hard not to let our immaginations go absolutly wild...but like sadie said use some visualiztions to help. Your wife probably does need time to herself. May I suggest a book for you to read... Melody Beattie "Codepandant No More" and "ourage to Change"
"I suspect that if I reclaimed all the minutes, hours, and days I've sacrificed to wory and fear,I'dd add years to my life. When I succumb to wory, I open a Pandora's box of terrifying pictures, paranoid voices, and relentless self criticism. The more attention I pay to this mental static, the more I loose my foothold in reality. Then nothing useful can be accomplished.
To break the cycle of worry and fear, I'm learning to focus allof tention on this very moment. I can turn away from distructive thoughts and concentrate instead on the sights and sounds arround me: light and shadows, the earth beneath me feet, the pulse of everyday living-all pieces of the here-and-now. These bits of reality help rescue me from"what if's" and "should have's" by anchoring me in the present."
"The past has flown away. The comming month and year do not exist. Ours only is the present's tiny point."
I hope that this does help. I will be thinking of you and your wife. JJ
I just wanted to let you know (as a former Albertan and spouse of an alcoholic) I share much of the same feelings. It has taken many many years to learn to not worry about what he is doing, because there's nothing I can do to change what he chooses to do. I don't even know exactly when I managed to do this, it was a gradual process and sometimes I slip up and get the old 'knot in the stomach' again, but I try to focus on the serenity prayer and the 3 C's and then I turn my focus to my children and myself. I will say that using the tools that I gained from Al-Anon have been my lifeline for the past 17 years. I wish I had the courage to leave, as I know the current situation is not healthy for my children, but I can't get past my fear of leaving (and it's consequences....whatever they may be).
I wish you all the best with your decision, it isn't an easy one to make (who ever said life was easy right?).
thanks everyone for the wonderful words of advise and support.
I will try to do the visualization, it sounds great.....I just have to learn to put it into practice!!
I came home last night and have no idea where she is, although I suspect and hope that she is at the alcohol treatment facility. Her plan was to go there. I just wish that she would have let me know, left a note or something.
I have just finished reading Codependant No More, it's a terrific book. I think I'll need to read it more than once to get things to sink in.
Thanks for all the support, finding this website has helped tremendously.
I can totally relate to you. Part of our sickness is that we worry about everything and why do we think we could ever be more or do more than our H.P. can. She has her h.p. and will take care of her. Trust me on this. I have to turn him over sometimes every second to his god.
I was so use to manipulating everything in his life that now that he is gone I still in my mind try control what he is doing but I must remember hands off and heart on
I pray things will get better and go to meetings as much as possible.
