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OH WOW my Ah came home tonight (drunk) and I am reading on of my books and he says "you reading about me?" I told him no... This is about me.. he was kind of like this is about me isn't it? So I told him no that it is about me and helps me learn about living with an alcoholic and about how I am taking back what this disease has taken away from me. I told him that he doesn't realize how hard it is and how much it hurts me at times and that I don't know if I can keep up. He said that he knows it hurts me and is hard on me and he doesn't think that me doing this is "fixing" anything in our family. So I told him no its not about "fixing" anything because I can't fix "it" I can't control "it" and I can't cure"it" he goes you got it! I told him that I am learning more about this disease and recognise and understand more about it which is helpping me realize that his moods and behavior are due to the alcohol. Like how I am seeing that he is sick and see when he is in withdrawls and things like that. THEN he admitted that he is an alcoholic and that he realizes that he has a problem WOW!!!! and this is something that he has been thinking about alot lately.A first for him. But that he loves his"social life" so its hard for him to just not visit with his friends. He said he knows how it is hurtful and how it affects the kids and I but I reminded him that he can't possibly when he doesn't see any of the hurt and pain other than in our anger. I gave him an example of tonight when our son got upset because his dad wasn't going to be home to watch a movie tonight. I told him that if he could see the disapointment and remember himself as a kid going through all the hurt and disapointment that his dad put him through. He agreed that if he did try to remember thoes days that it would probably help him understand more...
So he says to me what if I just be a winter drinker and be more involved and do more family things in the summer. I told him that it won't work and that if he wanted to try to he should try a week of being sober first.. "no problem I can do that I want to try that" so he says he is going to try. I let him know that I am not sure about living like this for the rest of my life and that it scares me and the fact that I have been wondering about how things would change if he were ever to be sober and the fact that we don't know each other on that level as we have been together as kids and we partied together its just that I stopped and he never did. He was so loving and told me how much he loves me and that he knows that things have to change. He was honestly sincere.
OMG this was so out of the blue. Like me comming to alanon has made him realize that his drinking really does affect me alot more than he thought. I am vibrating with amazement and a bit of excuitement. I am not getting my hopes up or anything but for him to even admit to me that he has a problem is such a break through. I am gald that he is supportive of me seeking help for myself and realizes that I need this for me weather or not he thinks it helps or not.
So we put on a movie and were watching it together with our kids and our son wispers to his dad why do you move all the time? he mimmicked his dad. He didn't have an answer for him and just said I don't know. I told him that the kids notice too that he is getting sick and that he needs to go to a doctor. Who knows maybe that comment from our son will make another light flicker in him.
I am going on and on so I will end now and say yaaaaa!!
Wow! jj, this is really exciting! I am applauding too! I just hope he remembers what he said since you wrote that he was drunk. I guess only HP knows for sure. I talked to my son one night and had the greatest talk for 2 hours a couple weeks ago. Then, the next morning he didn't remember talking and saying stuff! When I reminded him it sort of came back to him. I found out he gets like that with his girlfriend too. Not that I want to ruin your excitement. Just putting an experience I recently had at my house. My son is not the a in our life, but we are concerned he may be progressing into the disease :( Also, when hubby and I were first married we would party and drink and get drunk and have the greatest time with friends. Then after the kids were born, I too quit doing that for the safety of my kids. I remember how my parents were as a kid when thy would get drunk and I did not feel secure around their behavior. I told myself I wouldn't be like that around my kids when they were growing up and to this day they haven't seen me drunk or hardly drink. Well, when my hubby wouldn't quit drinking at softball nite etc. I put my foot down and talked to our pastor. I never had family around in the town I have lived in where we raised our kids. The pastor had a talk with hubby and me and had a man come to talk to us. He had alcoholism and lost his family. My hubby even cried about this man's story. After that, my hubby soon joined a new softball team where it was family oriented and put our kids first. He came home to his family and didnt' put us last. He never was an alcoholic and even had an evaluation to show he was in the grey area. But what I found, is if they can realize that those little kids need them and listen to their voices and hearts, they can change. But, my husband was not an alcoholic. The reason I say this is because now that my daughter is, I truly see how horrible this disease really can be. And it isn't pretty. So I will say prayers for you and your family and you keep on working your program and I will keep on working mine. :) Your friend in recovery, cdb
Hi JJ, this is certainly a move forward that he admits he is an alcoholic.
His movements, are they involuntary? last year when my A (husband) binged every day for 6 months he started twitching. Then he was on quite a binge a few weeks ago, was slumped in his chair and his hand kept reaching out for a cup - I watched it horrified. I suggested a DR but he won't go.
A "winter drinker" I am waiting to hear that one from my A.
It sounds like you had a decent night, that's good
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Enjoy the day. It was a wonderful 1st step! The door is opened & he was the one to open it, which means alot. Give him his time. Keep doing what you do, (al anon)!
Thanks everyone! I have a perma grin today and feel amazing. Lastnight was a huge night, but I know that saying something and acting on it are two different things. I will wait and not mention the conversation to my husband but wait for him to come to me again. Time will tell!!! Progress not perfection!!
I just had no idea that my program would affect him sooooo much!!!
Megan.. his movements are involuntary and if you have ever witnessed someone having convulsions that is exactly what his body is doing. The only difference is that he is cohearant and can talk it is just his body that is out of control and this happens while intoxicated and sober. This condition has worsened over the last 2 years. Now it even happens while he drives.. This is scary to watch...but I am learning not to worry and let go or else I would make my self sick worring about it.
cdb..I realy do realize that he may have no recolection of our conversation lastnight. That has happened so many times. What I am happy about is that his admission means so much to as he has never admitted he has a rpoblem or that it is hurtful to me and the kids so his realization alone is enough right now. I called my sister inlaw and told her about our conversation and she was just as amazed and shocked as I was. I am more excuited about working on me and working my program even more.
Oh he told our son he would be home tonight which is another first home on a friday night soo we'll see if he comes home. I won't hold my breath but look forward to him spending time with us.
It is really great to hear about your night with your A. This could mean the beginning of a change.
I'm glad you are finding the balance of hope and reality in this situation. I have a friend who always says at meetings that it's okay to love an alcoholic, they're great people. That statement always helps me feel better because sometimes I can feel like no A is okay to love.
It's been amazing how much the people around me have changed as I have changed in this program. Changed attitudes aid recovery. And, you are putting the slogan of Let It Begin With Me in practice. Enjoy that feeling!
Take care and enjoy the good days as much as we tend to obsess on the bad ones...
Love and hugs, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
Isn't it funny how the drinking problem is not really seriously named 'alcoholism' when discussing it with our A's until we have found al-anon and then it all comes out in to the open, it's like the A kind of tries to hide that there is a problem but after a while when you are working the steps and discussing it all openly sometimes they get frank and say YES its a big problem and i don't know how to deal with it
I guess for them it must be a real relief that their problem is not a big secret anymore and for us I it helps because it opens the door to meaningful discussion about the problem - healthy two way sober discussion.
Changed attitudes aid recovery. And, you are putting the slogan of Let It Begin With Me in practice. Enjoy that feeling!