The material presented
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hi, this is my first post so a little history about my situation might help.
I live commonlaw with a bipolar, alcoholic spouse. Each of us has 2 children from previous marriages, although none of them live fulltime with us. Due to her illnesses, we have suffered through 9 suicide attempts in the past 3 years, 3 in the last 3 months. She has finally been admitted to a pysch ward and has spent the past 3 weeks there in therapy. She comes home tomorrow, and then goes to an alcohol treatment facility for 2 weeks, home another week then another 2 weeks of treatment. Since being in the hospital they have altered her bipolar medications, and she seems to be doing much better. She attends AA, and was attending prior to being admitted, but would suffer setbacks and slips regularly.
I have read many posts here about loving or leaving, and that is my situation at present. Before I found al-anon, I continually gave idle threats of leaving and never followed through. I started attending al-anon and learned that this is very counterproductive and unfair to her as well. This past time, before she entered the hospital, I again said I was through, and this time I meant it. I took many steps towards leaving, preparing our house for sale, seeking legal advise etc.
No matter what happens, I want to be loving and supportive to her. Throughout her hospital stay, I've been in close contact and supportive, but I've tried not to send out mixed signals. That is to say, I don't want her to think that things are back to the way they were and that I still want to end the relationship.
My dilemma of course, is that I love and miss this woman tremendously. I see how hard she is trying and want to give her the benefit of the doubt and remain together. In my heart I don't want to end things. But my brain tells me that this relationship is poison, and that I need to focus on myself and remove myself and my children from a situation that is unhealthy.
I know most of us here in al-anon have similar stories. Bipolar disorder is an incredibly frustrating disease. Put alcohol into the mix and it's like adding fuel to a fire. I don't know how much more I can cope with.
Go back to the "Board Start" and read, "I'm perfect, your not, I think" It sounds like you have a very deep love for your Significant Other which makes decisions to leave all that much harder. None of us want to "fail" in a relationship, but that isn't fair. To fail in a relationship with an Alcoholic is not the same as failing in a normal relationship. I still think it is necessary for our own well being to be able to say I gave the relationship what I felt was fair and I can live with my decision to leave. Relationship or not, you have to live with you. Are YOU going to be able to live with your decision when all is said and done?
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Experience is not what happens to you, it is what you do with what happens to you. Sometimes I'm like a Crash Dummy, I have to beat my head against the wall a few times to "Get it"
It sounds like you have a major decision to make about your personal boundaries and your relationship. I am glad you are coming here to talk it out...
In addition, here's a thought for consideration: I have heard it suggested that a new Al-Anoner not make any major decisions for six months because coming into the program is so powerful. And, in my situation, the program changed my view of life drastically, which then changed my ideas of how I wanted to live. Just something to think about...
Take care and keep coming back.
Love and hugs, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
It sounds like you really are going through some tough times. Dealing with an alcoholic is difficult enough, I can not even imagine throwing Bi-polar into the mix.
It sounds like you are being very compassionate and supportive. It also sounds like you are fearful of what the realationship is doing to you and your kids.
Alanon advises us not to make any drastic decisions in early recovery (ours), but we all have to do what we have to do.
Our first objective is to take care of ourselves, our loved ones have to deal with themselves as well.
I wish you all well in the days that are to come and you are all in my prayers.
No one can tell what to do all we can do is tell our stories.i am not gonna bore you with my storie except for this .I was also in love with well still love a bipolar alcholic I left him and got in alanon, he went through recovery and in and out of recovery.I stayed away it hurt more then i could tell you i felt like i couldn t breathe..i battled in my heart and in my mind wanting him back but not even when he called sometimes i would talk to him but most i wouldnt answer.He started to aa and i then told him we could work on our relationship but couldn t live together.he agreed. and about 2 weeks later I caugtht him with a girl he met in aa and moved in with.I thought i was gonna die and i stuggled big time but kept going to alanon i was hurting and i kept working it .and i am still stuggling but with different issues now.He married the girl this jan and is in recovery as far as i know . Yesterday i sent my amends letter of my part to him , do i still love him yes i will till the day i die. is the pain gone yes, am i happy i did what i did you bet , you know why.cause it got him into recovery yes he chose someone else and movd on but he is sober he is alive and happy that is all i ever wanted for him casue you see rory i honestly love him.i have learned to love and detach.dori
Wow Rory, that is rough... I think I responded to you in another post about my ex husband and his suicide attempts, having been diagnosed with dissociative disorder and other personality disorders. He wasn't a drinker at all either, but had many of the traits because of his mental illness. I had to come to a point in knowing that ANY decision I made to be okay for me was accepted by God... I had to let go of the guilt and do alot of repenting for not wanting to live that life with him anymore. I cried so many nights praying to God because I felt selfish for wanting a normal, peaceful, happy life and eventually that day came that I just knew... I had to leave, he got mean one day and I took my children and left with just our clothes on our backs. I realized that the stress of all of this would someday kill me if I didn't and that my children if not ME, deserved a more stable, peaceful life... I put my focus on them and not me and in turn, gained strength to stick to my decision. I am happy to say that my children are doing very well, I did very well and even dated again. However, unfortunately ended up in an off/on relationship with an alcoholic, which wasn't typical to be with a drinker. I found the drinker to be the most extreme of the people I've chosen my entire life and in turn it opened my eyes on what I need to work on in myself. I am MUCH more at peace today with the decision I made because I see my children doing well for themselves. I set an example of how no matter what you are presented with in this life, we have choices to overcome the obstacles and have God to heal our pain if we would only trust Him completely to do so. These skills are essential for my children because ultimately I want my children to know that He is most important in their life, even above me. I believe making healthier decision about the relationships I am in shows my children how to cope and take care of themselves in healthier ways than I ever knew and can smile today because of seeing how strong my children are as a result of my decisions. Hope this offers some insight.... Take Care, when the time comes you'll know what to do-- just don't let fear hold you from making that choice because fear will keep us from living our dreams...
