The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just read the posts on staying or leaving. I am on the other end of the leaving and it is tough. My recovering A has said he wants a divorce. He said this relationship takes to much time and he is not going to change. He has taken a job in another state and by summer says he is "outta of here" and he wants nothing to do with me. This is after 31 years of marriage. Someone recommended the book "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson the last time I posted. It has been very helpful in understanding where my husband is coming from.
I realize on some level that his decision really has nothing to do with me and that I can't prevent it and I didn't cause it and can't control it. I am trying to look at my own love addiction and it is scarey both to him and me. I have called friends, gone to f2f meetings, and tried to take care of myself. At times I am overwhelmed with pain and loneliness. One thing that I am having trouble dealing with is his need to control everything including the money. I just see him sitting in a position of power and control. He says I don't want to hear from you, I don't want to see you, deal with you, etc. After years of planning our future and retirement, he says he is going to buy land and build a house for himself. And then he says that he wants to be "fair". Although our children are teenagers and older, he said that it is up to them to deal with this. There is no middle ground with A's, it is black or white and extreme.
I have told him how I feel and tried to ask for what I need and let go of the outcome. I told him that I would support his effort to leave and help him move. Being the one who is left behind is so painful. Detachment is hard.
i am sorry you are in so much pain. it is not you. please continue to reach out to others in alanon. we will help you through it and hold you till your tears stop.
I am sorry you are in so much pain. None of this is your fault. Alcoholism is a very cruel and selfish disease, and while we all hope recovery can bring happiness, it is often not true. The only true happiness we can hope for is in our own recovery.
For whatever reasons your husband is choosing to focus only on his own recovery and you are right you can't change that.
You can put the focus back on you, take care of you and make yourself strong. Allow yourself to feel, and to grieve, they are your feelings. But trust in your HP that your path will bring you your own happiness.
I am sorry you are feeling so much pain. We must accept our emotions but not dwell on them. It is ok to allow yourself some pain, sorrow, crying time, every day if you need. Go ahead & let it out, but then make sure to follow it up with something good too.
Could it be a matter of perception / thinking… “Being the one who is left behind is so painful. Detachment is hard.” Maybe you are being “left ahead”. A door closing and window opening… Now, take time to learn about the indoctrination of your mind… so you will have better reasoning skills in making choices in the future. Just a Thought.
