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I guess this post is just for me to vent right now. Alot of the time I feel like my husband does not really love. How could he, he is an addict/alcoholic - he still drinks a few times a week and smokes pot - I can deal with this. What I have a hard time dealing with is the way he shows me he loves me. The ways he shows me he loves me are not the ways that I feel loved. He says he shows me he loves me by going to work, not doing hard drugs, etc. His affection is mostly tickling me (I hate being tickled), poking me, biting me, all in playful ways but not what I call "real" affection. I may just be taking things personally - he falls asleep on the couch most nights and hardly sleeps in the same bed as me and that hurts too. I feel more like a sister/roommate who does the laundry and cooks dinner. I guess what I am saying is that sometimes I wonder if he really does love me. For someone who does not love himself - how can he ever love me and especially how can he ever love me the way I deserve/want/need to be loved?
You are probably right. Isn't it sad that many people have had lives, upbringings that didn't teach or allow them to learn to love themselves. That as much as they want to show love to others their methods are all skewed and screwed up. They don't know what being loved(by themselves) feels like and then don't know how to show love to others. Teach him what you know about loving yourself and how you got there. Loving someone is a very scary and complicated thing to some people, no matter how often you do it, you can always be rejected. What kind of rejection did he face growing up? Is his self esteem so low that he doesn't feel he deserves love?
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Experience is not what happens to you, it is what you do with what happens to you. Sometimes I'm like a Crash Dummy, I have to beat my head against the wall a few times to "Get it"
In fact I am reading a book now that says an alcoholic can not truly love when he is using because he is so consumed by his thirst for alcohol. I live it every day. My A (husband) sleeps on the couch too. New Years was the first time in 4 years that we had sex. My fault partly too, I don't like him pawing at me all drunk, and when he is sober he doesn't seemd interested even at the hints I drop.
I too feel like the sister/roomate. But I am also the breadwinner....He hasn't worked in 3 years now - he used to make $250k a year before getting fired.
His self esteem - in truth low - he will tell you he is the best of this and that. For awhile he told me he was smarter than Einstein. Its all part of the disease...
megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
What a tough place to be.... I can completely relate to your post because I was much like your husband in some ways when I was with my ex-partner. She was the A but I have the same tendancies and many of the same prolems as the codependent. Basically, intimacy really scares me because of my own background of sexual abuse.
I think you really hit the nail on the head when talking about how he doesn't love himself. Our program teaches us that you can't give away what you don't have. I know you say you are okay with his minimal drinking and smoking pot but I get the feeling it still bothers you. That's okay. Remember, a lack of sexual intimacy is a common symptom of the progression of the disease of alcoholism. Your husband is sick. Your task is to decide if you are willing to deal with the emotional/spiritual effects of alcoholism as well as the physical repercussions.
Take care and do something good just for YOU. Keep coming back.
Love and hugs, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
All I can do is share my experience with my A husband. His father passed away, and he was having a love affair with the Booze, and later vicodin pills for neck pain. He loved his booze, lifestyle very much. He was a good provider, and yes, all those things he could say he was. But I was his 2nd Love, and choice. I picked up on that neglect, and being ignored, I watched my marriage die in front of my eyes, and my respect for him. I got into Alanon, practiced detachment, and the tools. After 2 years, he is now back in AA meetings.
As long as my A drank, he never "saw" a problem. He wasn't going to quit either unless he had something to lose "Bigtime". Anyway, he continued to not see "anything", until I began to Change.
Nothing changed, until I changed. When I changed, he didn't like it. He became afraid of losing me. Hope this helps.
Sometimes love doesn’t come the way one wants so we assume it isn’t there. I was much like your husband as well for first 10 years of our marriage. I believed if I worked hard, made enough money so they would have no “wants” I was showing my love. So this is what I did and it took a lot out of me, I was constantly at office, and when I was home my head was at the office or mentally tired. I was doing this because I loved them and thought she/they have to see that. I however was emotionally “unavailable” to them and her most of the time. I missed out on a lot with my 17 year old step son over the years, this is my greatest regret. I wish many times I knew then what I know now. You can buy em “things” but you can’t buy happiness. I am learning still that 20 minutes playing basketball with my daughter 9 or wrestling 20 minutes a day with my son is more valuable to them than a 100 “things”. As far as my wife I have learned that a simple hug/kiss and an “I love you” before I leave and the same when I got home even if she’s crabby at the time, and take time to listen about her day instead of turning on the TV and crashing because tired, made a huge difference. I had to learn that I had to quit “over committing” myself at the office and do a little more “committing to my family” so I wasn’t to tired physically and mentally for them. Did this mean I didn’t love them or her, no not at all. I was showing it in the wrong way. Took me a very along time to figure this one out, in fact it took a friend at work being honest with me to stop and think. Am I doing a great job? No but I’m trying. Is it hard especially with one that has addictions? yes definitely. Does she love me? I’m pretty sure, even though her addictions probably hate me as much as I detest them. The intimacy was always supposed to be my job to instigate so it seemed, when I didn’t wew mad was she. I guess intimacy doesn’t come easy when one is angry about it, expecting another to read minds, and demanding it. Is it different if she takes the initiave once in awhile to do a little instigation herself before the anger and without the alcohol induced “emotional neediness”, yep. I guess I’m a little weird for a guy as to be intimate I have to feel intimate, lol most of the time but I’m not goin there. Hehe I do find I do alittle more instigating myself when head cleared of my issues mentioned above and the issues of my sickness, which we all know to well. Wew glad that part of reply over lol.
I just want you to know that it may be there even it may not seem so.
Don’t believe all that you think
It’s going to be a good day if I let it, so I’m smiling
Thank you so much for everyone's experiences and sharing!!!!! Lately my husband has been really great and I need to focus on these positive things instead of dwelling on the negative. No one person can do it all and I think that my mentality has been that I am only happy with him when he can do it all and not be missing anything I want him to be doing. I really NEED to accept my husband and LOVE him. When I do not accept his affection the way he knows how to give it, then it just upsets him and makes him feel more like a failure. Lately, I am realizing that he really does want to change and I can see it everyday how much he wants to be better. I am taking it day to day and trying not to expect the worst. I realized that when I expect the worst then those bad feelings end up showing in my actions and in my words. I am learning how to not expect anything and to just take my life hour to hour. I feel like God is really challenging me to better myself and I am ready to take the challenge.
