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Need to vent. My daughter has had a lot of help from me over the past year, well actually since she turned 16 and dropped out of school. Well, that's ok, I have been trying to help her get on her feet. Anyway, after she got her DUI almost a year ago, I have had to help her even more. I wasn't going to let her live on the street or starve and she has been doing her program and doing pretty well. She just got her suspended license back and has been trying to find a job, they're aren't many jobs out there right now but she is trying. She still has to get her GED in order to get off probation, so her probation officer will keep on top of that. The problem is she just told me her car needs repair, not much, the driver's side door won't close. Can't drive a car like that. She is out of unemployment, has been for several weeks now. I am not giving her any cash but have so far, put a tank of gas in her car, will fix her door and will take her to grocery store to buy acceptable groceries. I hope I am doing the right thing here, wish she could get more independant. Wish she could get a job! Wish she had her education! It is so frustrating and so hard to know if you are helping or enabling...it is a big grey area as far as I'm concerned. Guess I'll just keep doing the best I can, either way, a decision has to be made each time she asks for help and the decision to help has been made this time, so I guess I should let it go now.
I have a daughter who is in an abusive relationship and has a baby by him as well. We don't trust their decision making abilities either and do the same types of things you are doing. At Christmas we give them a gift card at Walmart, when they need something we pay for it ourselves, or we go buy whatever they need ourselves. We do not give them money or rely on their ability to make the right decisions with our cash. Yes they need help and I don't mind helping if I know the money is really going to buy the thing that is needed. I needed help sometimes when I was young too, the only difference is I was responsible enough that my parents could count on me spending it where it was needed and I paid it back. That didn't change the fact that I needed help, we all do from time to time. I think your doing the right thing, you just have to watch that it doesn't become a crutch eventually. Right now she seems to be trying and as long as you feel comfortable with that then you should do what feels right in your heart. I might suggest you writing up notes for her to sign on how much you are giving her or keep a running tally in a journal that she has to sign so she recognizes the amount of help you are giving her. You can turn around later and knock off part of the bill for Birthday and Christmas presents or rewards for getting her GED, etc.
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Experience is not what happens to you, it is what you do with what happens to you. Sometimes I'm like a Crash Dummy, I have to beat my head against the wall a few times to "Get it"
Enabling or helping them to get on their feet? Good question. Perhaps it's a combination of the two? Perhaps it depends on their attitude about it, whether they are really trying to become independent or not? I have 3 young adults living here right now (and 2 younger children and 3 year old grandson).
My 18 year old son - graduated high school last June, we moved in July, he took the weed whacker and "mowed" our just under one acre property to get rid of all the weeds and tall grass. He then raked up all the leaves. He had a bit of help from the other kids. He then went over and helped my mother at her house with many outside chores - she paid him. He is currently looking for a job, and he does try to contribute towards expenses here. (We had a family discussion in January in which I pointed out how much it cost per person living here - the next time he went to work at mom's, he came home and handed me the money he had been paid.) He and I pulled into the driveway one day and I said "that bush needs to be trimmed back away from this driveway".(Just commenting out loud about something I noticed needed doing at sometime.) He got out of car and headed towards shed. I said "what are you doing?", he replies "well you said that bush needed trimming so I'm going to go do it now".
My 22 year old son - high school dropout (with only half a year to go). Spent a bit of time doing ecstasy, thankfully learned his lesson and hasn't touched drugs since. Has an attitude. Helps out around home somewhat. Is also job hunting, may finally have a job (waiting to hear back from the company). Could have had a job at any of the fast food places in town, but felt that was "beneath" him. Seems to think he is entitled to live here, although has been a bit better since family discussion and my pointing out being here over age 18 is a Privilege, not a Right. Has never offered money to help with expenses here when he's had money. If I were to die tomorrow, what would happen to him? His stepdad would not put up with him living here if he were not working and contributing to the household. (Yes, I think I enable him.)
My 20 year old stepdaughter - currently working on her GED. Has 3 year old son. Is on public assistance. Had a job at McD's until she quit and went back to her mom's for a month last December. Came back here, got back in school. Is also job hunting. Does borrow money from us, but we keep a list of what she borrowed and she does pay it back when she gets her check. Her father was horrible at enabling her, she once told me "as long as mom and dad continue to enable me, I'll keep accepting the help and do nothing about it." Hubby realized after several conversations what he was doing. Still helps, but as I said, she now pays us back, is held accountable. She is trying very hard and doing well now.
Enabling or helping them get on their feet....sigh. Its so tough sometimes seeing where the line between those two are when it's your child. I know I do both. I don't want to see them on the street either, but I also don't want them thinking they can just lay around and do nothing. As I mentioned before, if I were to die, well they'd be in a world of hurt if they didn't have a way to support themselves. So I keep plodding along in my program and trying to encourage them to be independent and not enable them. As long as I see them trying, they are welcome to stay here. Did tell them though that we expect them to get jobs, save money, move out. That at the end of this year we would review progress. We had to set that boundary. If they are truly trying but don't have enough money to move come year end, we'll set another time frame for moving. All we're asking is they try, that they become independent adults.
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Boy, can I hear you! I was struggling with the helping or enabling question. I finally figured out that if I was struggling with that question, and I was operating from my heart, and talking with my God that I could not be enabling. So, now I just leave out the struggle part. If your daughter is moving forward some then it is okay to help her. Just ask your heart, what did your daughter do, learn, etc. that was different from the day or two before. I hope that your daughter’s main teacher here on earth—‘life’ teaches her quickly that she needs those diplomas to get a job. My parents had a rule for me way before I started drinking and I was sixteen… If I was not going to school, I was working; if I was working I was paying rent or living in my own place. I just assumed it was one of those rules with its rock foundation found in thousands years of tradition or something. After 16, there would be no at home without school or rent. It was not a rule own of recovery, just a rule.
I hadn't thought about my Mom and how she handled me when I reached that age of independence till I saw Richard's post. My Mom raised me and my two sisters by herself. One, I have to say she set a fine example of beating the odds. But she told me that I could live with her as long as I wanted, that in itself was a motivator to me, I didn't want to face staying with Mom very long my pride wouldn't alloow it. The other thing she said was when you decide to move out make sure you mean it. I didn't quite understand that until the following weekend after I did move out. I came home to visit and there were contractors there tearing out the wall between our two bedrooms. When I asked what was going on she told me she had always wanted a bigger bedroom but couldn't as long as I was there. She burned my bridges for me and I've been on my own ever since. Tough love, ain't it great.
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Experience is not what happens to you, it is what you do with what happens to you. Sometimes I'm like a Crash Dummy, I have to beat my head against the wall a few times to "Get it"
