The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We have struggled with our son for the past 4 years.We are acutely aware of a family history of alcoholism on both sides.Since he has been 16 we have consistently set limits, we have set responsibilities for which privileges have been earned or lost.We have a younger child.We are sure that he drank due to peer pressure, right of passage and easy availability, blah blah blah.He has gotten worse.He started with an MIP that was violated multiple times.Totaled a car. Showed up at probation check hung over and spent Christmas in jail.Judge finally convicted him and sent him to jail.He was sent to Intensive Outpatient Treatment by court.We sent him to Inpatient Treatment after the accident.We have all participated in family counseling.
Since then he has been arrested multiple times. We kicked him out of the house, as we could not continue to expose our younger child to the constant pressure, anxiety and tension.Spent 2 weeks in jail after convicted of a Drunk & Disorderly. He had been living with my parents.While on probation for an alcohol & pot possession, he was arrested for OUI a few weeks ago.Two days later a kid he knew died of an OD.
He came to us and said he cannot stop drinking and wants to go to rehab. We took him the next day because we thought the death may have given him pause.We thought maybe he realized that he had a problem and while devastated that our worst fears were confirmed were happy that he made the admission. Since he is not in school we were happy to get him medical help before his insurance coverage ends on 12/31/2008.
We began attending Alanon.We have told him that we love him and that he is always welcome to come over and eat, shower, wash clothes (as long as sober/not hung over).We picked him up the Sat after Xmas.We were pleased that he had accepted to try medication and was discharged with campral, naloxone & antabuse.Got 90-day supply so that hewould still have meds after insurance was gone.
My parents asked him to stay in their home while they winter south.They felt that having responsibilities and a place to stay might help him succeed.THAT VERY NIGHT he had a guy, two girls and alcohol in the home.We were notified by the neighbors who knew only my son car should be there.We came over.I noted that in his car was the still unopened bag of medications.We kicked the kids out, took his house key and told him that he needed to find a new place to live.Thank God for Alanon.We were so calm & firm.We informed him that he broke the rules about no overnight guests in the home.
Arraignment on the OUI was yesterday, he has court date next week to show cause why probation on the early charges should not be revoked. We do not attend court anymore. We have come to realize that the plea to get treatment was just to assist in his case.I am sure that he let us spend $125 on his discharge meds so that it would look like he was cooperating with us.
I know in my heart that he is sick.No one would purposely inflict this much pain on themselves. This kid grew up in a loving extended family, grandparents, aunts and uncles.He was such a smart talented, engaging young man.Always a hard worker, has always had a job.As we withdrew our financial support, we always saw hope because he stepped up to buy his own car, pay his insurance. I mourn the loss of my wonderful son.
I look in his eyes and they look dead. Not the shining smiling blue they used to be. The anxiety I have is terrible.Every night I just know that a police officer is going to come to my door and tell me my son is dead.Then there are days I wish he was dead just so that his pain would end. Then I feel so horrible that I think such a thing.
You're doing the right things and feeling the usual feelings and thinking all the early program thoughts and you and your spouse are soooo young yet. Keep coming back. What you already know and do is amazing and does and will work over time. Find a best cast definition of patience and practice it. For me patience is not only standing by and waiting it is not participating even with fear, projection and judgement. God's doing God's work and I will not interfere unless directed. Patience for me today has the character of faith, trust and hope. It also has be cultivated by experience of witnessing so many alcoholics/addict and their families return to a better state than where they came from because they entered this spiritual 12 step 12 tradition recovering family and commenced following the suggestions on how to work it from others who had learned the same thing.
That you employ loving restraint with your alcoholic is treasure because one of the powers the disease of addiction runs on is low self esteem and the awareness that they to are unworthy and being martyred. "Cunning powerful and baffling". We don't get a notice from God or anyone else when our alcoholic/addict reach bottom. That might be because it is better that the first person the alcoholic/addict comes in contact with as they crash to a stop is their own Higher Power. Your son's HP is already there. He hasn't become still enough to hear or sense it. He will if they are undisturbed.
Stick with what you know that works. Put into action those positive loving responses that you are learning and stay in program. Listenn to the suggestios and trust that they will work for you as they have worked for us.
I think we have all been there in one way or another, to some degree or another.
I watched my beautiful daughter try to kill herself at age 12, go through a psych ward at 13, drop out of school at 16, to living with and having a child with a drug dealer at 21. After I was divorced from her mother, I was spared some of the day to day details, but I waited for that phone to ring telling me that she had her last OD, or that one of her boyfriend's "business associates" had done her in.
When the phone did ring, it was her... 5 months into rehab, inpatient. After jail. That was 13 years ago. She's still sober. Now her daughter is 14, and it's deja vu all over again. But they are not the same, nor is their environment. No doubt my granddaughter will continue to scare the crap out of us, but I pray she will survive. At least her mom knows the score, even though she's finding the shoe on the other foot to be challenging at best, a nightmare at worst. We'll get through it. Best of all mom is going to more meetings!!
(Kat) I think you are very strong, doing the right things to best help your son, and you are a testament to the Al-Anon program. The most important sentence in your post to me was in the 5th paragraph and only contained 4 magic words, "Thank God For Al-Anon". You realize as most of us do how important the program is in our lives. Where would we all be without it?
Posts like yours even though it does not directly relate to my present situation, (living with an active alocholic) just reinforces what I try to do as best I can everyday, and that is work the program to the best of my ability, and always do the next right thing.
Sounds lke you are working an al anon program admirably. I wish I had been able to embrace al anon long ago. I'm sorry for your situation. I think you are doing everything you can to mitigage your circumstances. I hope there was no damage done to the family home.
I know I will have nothing whatsever to do with people who use drugs or use alcohol even socially at the moment. That is my boundary. I can imagine it is very nerve wracking to be around the court dates. The Ex A who I was with had many many court dates. Nothing much happened to him. He got off, got someone to pay the fine. Nothing deterred him. For some people there is no bottom for others there is one and they find recovery. There is no way of knowing who will and who won't. We just have to turn it over.
I am currently not a mom of an A and hope that HP doesn't bless me with that challenge, ODAT.
Not sure if you've heard this before but I know it's helped others in the past.
yours in recovery, Maria
I am an alcoholic, I need your help. Don't lecture me, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself. I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent.
My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats.
Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool easily and you know it.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help.
I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking. Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me.
Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with al-anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you. Your Alcoholic
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Having a child who is an addict has to be an especially challenging thing! I don't have children, so I am unable to relate, but I am glad that you are here and I wanted to show my support for you with a response. Hugs!
I can't thank you all enough for being there. Alcoholisim is insidious. Like a developing storm. Starts with geting windy, the sun clouds, the rains come, then lightening and thunder and driving rain. At some point you say screw saving the patio furniture, get in the friggin house! Sometimes a storm whips up then dies down only to whip up again. We know that we have given up trying to save the patio furniture and are huddled wondering if the storm will ever end. But a big storm just doesn't end, it has to follow the same progression in reverse.
