The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last Sunday after a pretty eventful Saturday night for my A wife. Threatened suicide got hauled off to the Sherriff's for Mental Evaluation, etc. I told her I needed her to stop doing three things in order for me to stay in the marriage, Don't Drink, Don't gamble, Don't sleep with other men, I also said she needs to be a good wife, and a good mother. I told her if I couldn't have these 5 things I would have to file for divorce. Now, I am troubled because I know I won't follow through, mostly because of what I have learned in the last week or so about alcoholism. On the other hand I don't want my wife to think I won't stand by my convictions and that I don't mean what I say. I just don't know how to change it without coming off as condoning her doing these things.
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Experience is not what happens to you, it is what you do with what happens to you. Sometimes I'm like a Crash Dummy, I have to beat my head against the wall a few times to "Get it"
Ditto to what Megan said. Boundaries are important. I think deep inside we never know if we can follow through on that "D" word. All I know, is for me 2 yrs. into program, I have a better definition of boundaries, less pain, and things have a tendency to work out way differently than I ever could have thought out on my own. (We need support from group and our God/HP). Keep Coming Back.
Beskin, Sorry your going through this. Had a weekend just like it not very long ago. All I can tell you is all you can do is let her go. She may get to a place where she decides that she is sick of being sick and she may not, you gotta decide at some point when your done being sick. Yea, might not want to hear your sick, just think how your feelin right now. Do yourself a favor and keep concentrating on you and the kids, they need you so much at this time, give them as much stability as you can. I cant stress this enough cause their hurting and confused as well I'm sure. As far as the boundrys thing, don't set em if ya dont mean em, that hurts as well. Something that I had to keep in mind, yea I am sick of being sick, do I have a right to make this decision for my kids at such a young age? They love mom. I had to answer that one, it is not a right it is my responsibility. Will I have to follow through with my boundry? I of course I hope and pray not, If I do I will and have to, and have prepared myself for it even though it will hurt. Beskin wow do I know your feeling right now and the mess going on in the head. Hurts, hurts bad I know. I know your thinking about it 24/7, not much else can get in. Do something for you and the kids right now and just let yourself escape for a bit, It will be there later if you want it regardless how much you let yourself hurt. Hang on friend!!!
Perhaps you can fake it for as long as possible. I don't think that's what the phrase means in this case, but it may give you time to come up with a plan B.
If in your heart you know you won't follow through, there's nothing wrong with being honest and saying that you've thought it over and think it is more realistic to________fill in the blank. You are allowed and encouraged to have boundaries but they should be boundaries that you will under no circumstances bend. Boundaries are making my life much easier. There's no gray area..."here's the line", and here's the action I take when they are crossed.
Remember, your bottom is going to be different then her bottom. We can't control them, only ourselves and our actions.
Take Care,
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks everyone, I can see all of you are either where I am and have been where I am. I never talked (typed) to anyone who had a better understanding or anyone who saw what I saw than I have with you people in the last week. I'd heard it's nice to know your not alone but I never experienced it. On the other hand, I wish I were alone so no one else had to feel what I feel. The kids are what keep me going, especially in my situation where I have two step-children and one biological child. I would probably get the bio-child but the two step kids would not have any place to go that would have any stability for them. Their bio-father doesn't want them and their Mom would rather drink. I love them as much as my own, I've raised them since they were 18 and 36 months. They are 13-15, I have tried to find an Al-Ateen but there are none in the area. We only have one Al-Anon meeting per week and that is thirty minutes away. I could set them up on here but this seems to be adults. Does anyone know of an AL-Ateen message board or chat room that would be more relative to their age? BTW, I really liked Megan's, "I don't think the A's believe most things we say anyway." I think you may be right here! lol
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Experience is not what happens to you, it is what you do with what happens to you. Sometimes I'm like a Crash Dummy, I have to beat my head against the wall a few times to "Get it"
You sure had some great replies here! I just wanted to add that 7 weeks ago we had to call the police and have our alcoholic daughter arrested for minor in consumption and disorderly conduct. This was not the first time she has been like this but the first time we ever witnessed it. We had tried to restrain her and calm her down but after a couple hours we just couldn't handle her horrible behavior anymore! It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, calling 911 on my own daughter.
When my 20 year old daughter gets drunk, she threatens suicide, gets promiscuous, gets violent, says awful things to everyone, etc. etc. I just wanted to let you know this because she doesn't remember doing these things since she goes into a black out. She is just completing inpatient therapy now and seems to be doing really well! So, there is hope for them. I have been concentrating on me while she has been away and concentrating on the alanon program. She is happy that I am taking care of me and letting her take care of her and have her program too.
I have learned through the addiction counselors to not take what she says to heart while drunk and so, I have done that and let go of the horrible things she said. I know now that it is her disease talking and not her when that happens. Hope any of what I put helps you in some way. Your friend in recovery, cdb
I have 6 words to share.....The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage. I just got and read this book and WOW! For anyone married to an A, whether still active or recovering, this should be on the Must Read list. Some really wonderful insight into what is going on, and how ...(pay attention now)... removing the alcohol does not mean removing the problems. I know I've said "if he only quit drinking, things would be fine/better"....sound familiar? Well, the bad news is - its not that simple, but the good news is - yes it can get better! This book helps us to see how. Now I know why my sponsor told me to get and read this...heehee.
There is a chapter on Communication. This might help answer how to get out of that painted corner. The main thing is talking honestly without placing blame, just stating things matter of factly. It's not a very big book, I read it all the way through last night as I lay in bed. (Hmmm, did HP know I'd need to share about it today?)
Best wishes to you. Keep coming back!
With program luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Beskem, I hope things are setteling up over where you and A are. Around five years ago I began to set up the parameters of me and my a relationship.
I have alcohol / drug rehab training and I thought we were safe with one another. Our separate families curiously got into our relationship with our individual selves, independent of each other. At the same proximal time to one another. I'm now, a year later thinking they must have had xray vision to pull that off the way they had / did us. I had to put my family in check. They got my message, to stay out of it / me / my life - except to only love me / us is ok. He was not as able to tell his a family no.
He is gone now - it got to "everything is my fault." I know the a line "its all YOUR fault." Its not just an a symptom. Its alanoner's symptoms too. I gentely mean, The blame game. I am glad you are here for u and your kids. Last night as I to visit family, someone who was drinking and had his custodial child with him. I'm visiting family where they live, in their home. I tell custodial parent to come in the house to sleep it off, to save his kid's life. He does come in to sleep. Most regards to you for questioning the a / alanoner's reality. Love in recovery, \/\/ille
