The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am very new to all of this and am hoping to get some insight and help.
My daughter 22yr old hs been clean and sober for 6mths- she was living in sober living and doing very well.
Recently she got her own apartment(she works and has a great job)
we have been very proud of her. Now i find myself stressing over the fact that now she is on her own, doesnt have to be accountable to anyone, and my fear is she will fall. When i have shared my feelings with her she either tells me she is an adult and not to worry or gets frustrated with me, i have no proof she is using again, however she does talk to some of her old druggie frinds and she tells me they are wanting to talk to someone clean and sober.
i do know i cannot control her and i have to let go, i need some tools or words of wisdom.
My daughter is 20 (almost 21 in June) and is currently in an inpatient treatment center. She has been sober for maybe 6 weeks is all. She has lived in an apartment with a boyfriend and by herself too. Just today she came home and told us how she found an apartment and went to put a deposit down. She was so happy. The apartment person called later and was not thrilled with her application since she has not started working her job yet. I know it is going to be a challenge for me too when she does move out on her own. The problem I find is they don't always meet alot of non-using friends and yes this can be a problem. My daughter has also recently told me she would like to do service work with AA which means they talk to people they know who are using and try to get them to come to AA. Maybe this is what your daughter is doing talking to her old druggy friends. All we can really do is keep the communication lines open which sounds like you are doing. Their disease is their business and as you have probably found out we can't work their program for them. I can really feel for you and may need you here for me when my daughter finally moves into her own apartment too. I have to really rely on my higher power to trust that her higher power he/she will take care of her. If we continue to ask them about if they go to AA meetings or who they are hanging out with etc. then I think it can put them in a rebellious state with us, their moms. And then maybe they won't communicate with us as well. It is better for us to just let them live their life and know we are there for them and for us to live our life and take care of our needs. That is at least what I have learned here. I come here alot lately to distract my mind from thoughts like you are having. Distraction does help. Please keep posting and update us on how things are going so we can learn too. Also, take one day at a time. That is the biggest tool of all for me now. cdb
I so relate yo your post. My 24 year old son is a recovering heroin addict/still alcoholic. he moved out last spring and is 2 hours away now. As time goes by it does get easier. Not obsessing takes hard work. I got to my f2f meetings, spend time in the chatroom, and go to on line meetings. It all helps. I also rely on my hp to take care of him. I know i can't do it. Any changes have to come from him with the help of his hp.
Not being involved in the daily drama that he creates helps me to achieve some serenity. We have a better relationship because of the distance between us. I can accept that he has to find solutions to his problems and they are not my problems. I have to tell myself this when the mother in me wants to jump in and fix things.
Getting a sponsor has also helped a lot. I have been in alanon for a year, but only started doing the steps a couple of months ago. If you don't attend meetings regularly and don't have a sponsor i suggest you take these steps. the rewards are well worth it.
Your share reminded me of a share recently by Richard in regard to love and a lesson learned from his cats. I have also experienced this same howevrer only gave it any thought until he brought it up, and have taken a lesson from it. I hope he doesn't mind because I think his post was very simple yet effective on a seemingly not so simple subject. and worthy of repeating. Hope you get out of it what i did.
Mark S
Pasted from his orig post named.... Funny, odd funny... / my cats...
…my cats, I think about four years of age, so dislike being held huggy like, but much so crave it. And, I do hug them strongly, with locked hold but not squeezing and not locking to ‘keep’ them but a letting go hug… go as they will and ever so slowly do… funny thing about love, well maybe it ain’t so strange, just let it be, just let it go, don’t chase it, don’t run from it, don’t do any of these things just to have it, and it does not go anywhere it is just there in and around… an is… if you just let it be…
Gosh you all are so wonderful to reply. i agree with all you had to say, i am trying to trust HP that she will not fall. and yes if she does,its her thing. I will find an alanon meeting to go to and work the steps- for me, i need it. I dont want to worry and obsess and think of the what ifs-
my son who has been clean for 60 days from alcohol wants to move in with her- they both say they can help keep eachother sober. I dont want either one living with my hubby and i so for that reason, i dont think it would be bad if he moved in with her, he was living in Dallas and started drinking so he moved out here last mth. He was living in a sober living home near her and all they do is provide an apt to live in for $600 per mth for two bedrooms with 5 men, it got to hectic for him and the house manager is a rude, judgmental man-(we met him) anyway- my son is wanting to move out of there. my daughter lives real close to his work too. they both work and have good jobs. so Lord willing they can help eachother- and Lord willing i wont worry, stress and be suspicious. I just want them to be healthy. God this is so tough!
I can share my hope and strength by saying, my daughter has taught me the true meaning of Let Go and Let God. It is through her drug habit and my love for her, I really loved what the meaning of love is. I thought it was covering up for her, keeping my life insane and it was none of that.
It was giving her to my Higher Power and knowing it is in my insane thoughts that I continue to create my pain. I know that sounds strange, but this is what I learned.
