The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was reading a post Richard had written and he said "Love does not hurt."
It got me thinking, no love shouldn't hurt. Love is pure and good. If we are hurt when someone we loves lets us down, it is not love that is hurting us, but our own expectations.
When we hurt becoss of the loss of a loved one, that doesn't change the love, it is still there. It is the loss of the persons company we hurt for. The fact that we may not see them again for a long time.
I love my parents and they love me, but it doesn't ever hurt. The same with my sister, my love for her doesn't hurt, it is part of me. I love my children, and they love me, but loving them never hurts.
Yet my husband almost from the beginning, the love hurt. Maybe it was the nastiness and the abuse, the constant struggles and battles. The petty arguments, the jealousy.
I always felt if he loved me more, or if I loved him more, things would be better. In reality, it is love or a habit? Why is it that for so many years, I have accepted intense pain as love, and felt somehow I was better for it?
Thinking now, how could it be love? I guess that is what co-dependance is. My need to take care of anyone but me, and his need to have any excuse to do nothing but drink, and have someone to blame for it.
The funny part is, I did things for him that I would not have done for even the youngest of my children. While I always have taken care of their basic needs as I know a Mother should. They had to do certain things on their own. There was always chores, always team work, always responsibility and accountability for ones actions.It was part of them growing up and still is. As one gets ready to leave the nest, while I know I will miss him terribly, I know he needs to do it, to continue to grow.
My husband was never a part of this. He lived in the bedroom or the outbuilding, and expected to be waited on or left alone. His needs should be met, and we all complied. He never continued to grow, in fact he acts more immature than a teenager.
Why would I view love one way for everyone but my mate? Why did I settle for what I believed was love from someone who is incapable of loving even himself?
I have been doing a lot of looking at myself lately. What I want out of life, and what I feel about me. I have been questioning, why I felt I deserved less.
I remember recently arguing with my husband. He was insisting I have changed. That I am not the person he married. I now realize he is right. I have changed. I no longer am that obedient servant, scapegoat, and door mat.
I realize that I have a mind, that I deserve to be happy, and I am starting to like the person I have become.
I know he is angry right now, and in the past I would have attributed it to he loves me and is mad we are apart. I see he is like a child with a favorite doll. Something he thinks belonged to him and he was used to, and it was taken away.
What I see now is it isn't love, probably never was.
I do know what real love is, I experience it everyday from my parents, sister and children. Now I need to learn to love me. Like I said I am learning to like me, it is just going to take time.
Your post I found painfully accurate. Love is a word used so freely and generally. We all crave it even when it appears to be there, but reality continually smacks us in the face telling us that it isn't. So am I in love with the thought of love and my versions of who and what I want in my life. Wow you have me digging here. Thinking to self, does she love me? I hear it one million times. or does she love the thought of a husband and father of our children. When I ask myself this question I have a very hard time answering. No need replying to this just letting you know this really makes me search myself. Thanks Jeannie and Richard
Wow, what a great post... Thank you for sharing so freely and honestly.
You really triggered some thoughts in me too. I, too, was with a partner for six years that I thought was the greatest relationship for me. She is an A and I was constantly trying to get her to live up to the potential I saw in her. (Forget my potential, I was completely lost in her at the time)
Since we broke up more than a year ago, I've done a lot of soul searching about the concept of love in a healthy relationship. First of all, I realized just how true the saying is that you can't love another until you truly love yourself. I'm working on that right now.
Hopefully, in my next relationship, I will see it exactly as it is, not how I would have it be. Life on life's terms...
Love and hugs, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
Just wanted to let you know that I did read your post and read it again just now. Thanks so much for posting this. Any bit of information or learning that I get here helps me with my journey and serenity in my life. Your friend in recovery, cdb
