The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is a paper that I got off the internet about Cross-talk and Boundiaries. The type is large cuz of my eyes. :) I want y'all to know this is not CAL. I was typing it in the room during open chat and another alanon encouraged me to type it here as well.
Crosstalk and Boundaries.....How they relate in meetings.
As newcomers, we often are unaware of the family issues we bring with us to meetings. Typical of the alanon or dysfunctional family experience is not being heard, being criticized or belittled. Therefore, it is not uncommon for us to enter our first meetings without a sense of self. We come to discover our selves through listening to other's experience, strength and hope. Once we begin to have a sense of our self, we then have the freedom to share that discovery with others. Crucial to this is a clear understanding of boundaries.
As we hear the term boundaries in alanon meetings, we often do not understand what the word means. Essentially, having boundaries is a EMOTIONAL understanding of where one person ends and the next person begins. As we go through our experiences in alanon, we begin to understand that emotional changes come at a much slower pace than intellectual changes. Therefore, it may take some time to understand what boundaries are, and are then able to identify ours and others boundaries.
An example of lack of boundaries is known as Crosstalk. Crosstalk is defined (in f2f) as commenting on another's share, interupting, laughter, gasping or groaning at another's experience and advice-giving. Some guidelines for avoiding crosstalk are: addressing the subject, but NOT the speaker who brought the subject up, speaking from one's own experience and using 'I' statements. This is known as placing principles before personalities. It also provides us the opportuntiy to keep the focus on ourselves.
Keeping the focus on ourselves is new for most newcomers and may be frightening. Many of us have never felt truly heard in our lives before, without the possibility of some form of repercussion. We may be uncomfortable sharing our genuine experience and may find it easier to 'relate to' or FOCUS on another. After comeing to meetings for a period of time, however most of us find that we are, in fact, in a safe environment in which to share our truths.
well, that is it.
lucy
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Turn Off The TV And Spend More Time With Ur Pets :)
Thank you for sharing that Lucy. Sure appreciate it! I know boundaries is something I struggled with for a very long time. I'm still learning about them and how they can apply in so many different ways.
"....where one person ends and the next person begins." I had a rough time with this not so long ago. I shared in chat how a young school friend of my daughter's was hit by a car and was in ICU in critical condition. How we had gone to visit. How I couldn't get it out of my head. How I felt I needed to do something. Was totally focused on their crisis.
I am very thankful for the support of all my Al-Anon family, here and in ftf. They helped me to see how to apply the program principles to this. I needed to Detach and I see now with your post that Boundaries had a part in it too. I'd like to share a quote on Detachment that my ftf group gave me after I shared the above story.
"Detach from the problem, but not from the person. The purpose of emotional detachment is to keep myself from drawing into crises of others."
All of this helped me to be able to clear my head of those "need to fix, do something" thoughts. Yes, what happened was a horrible tragic thing. Yes, I feel badly for the girl and her mother having to go thru this. Yes, I prayed for them and asked others too if they felt they could. That was all I could do. The rest is up to HP. I had to give it to Him, and remove myself from the "crisis" of another.
These are the same principles (boundaries, detachment with love) that I need to practice both at home and in here. To realize that I am here to listen to others share their experience (and not to comment/tell them how I think they ought to fix their problem), and to share with others my own experience. As I listen to another share, I realize that I may hear what they are saying through the "ears" of my own experience. I need to be ever watchful that I don't put words in their mouth or assume that their experience is the same as mine. I do not know everything they have been thru. I have not walked in their shoes. I do not know their emotional attachment to their family or friends. I guess all I need to know, is that, they are just like me...coming to Al-Anon to try to learn how to use the program to find happiness in life. And to do this, the main thing is to learn the program tools and how they can be used.
Thanks for posting Lucy. Gave me a lot to think about.
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Thank you so much for the information. When I was first new here I didn't even know which end was up or where my mind was. I had to take an antianxiety medication just to be at a meeting. I was a wreck and all I could do was cry and ask why my daughter? How could I have given birth to this beautiful little baby and giver her such a horrible disease? I blamed myself and everything I had done in her past. That is where my mind and emotions were not that many months ago. I am not new to chatrooms though. For years now I have gone to fibromylagia chatrooms for support and none of them had a 12 step program. They tried to have a weekly informational meeting but had nothing at all to base them on. Others here may go to other nonalanon chatrooms too and only have the knowledge of that experience. Like I did with my daughter when she was growing up (tears), I did the best I knew how at the time with what I had and this is where I am at now with the MIP chatroom. So, thanks for the boundary information. cdb
