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Dear Friends, I've been coming into the chat/meeting room for about five years now, but this is the first time I have posted on the Message Board. I've made so many friends in the room who have given so much support on many occasions. And I'm reaching out again tonight.
I thought I had got the issue of resentments 'sussed'. I used to have a list as long as your arm, but Step 4 and a wonderful Sponsor helped me deal with them. I learned to accept that alcoholism was a disease. I was able to seperate the man from the disease. I detached with love. Realised i had choices and chose to stay with my A, but lived seperate lives under the same roof. Life was sweet and manageable.
Then two and a half years ago he was diagnosed with cancer and i found myself being drawn back into his life and his approaching death. Let me rephrase that.... I chose to be drawn back etc. The past two and a half years have been horrendous. My younger daughter and I look back at various happenings and wonder how we coped with them, but we did.
Three days ago my husband was discharged after a five week stay in hospital. He was initially admitted following yet another fall when he had smashed his head through glass in the conservatory door. The primary cancer in the colon has now spread to secondaries in the liver and both lungs. A CT scan showed his brain had shrunk and atrophied due to alcohol abuse. He is doubly incontinent and cannot walk unaided. So little She123 puts on her controlling hat and says ok, let's give it a go and bring him home. The alternative was a Nursing Home which he would have refused to go to and legally, could not have been forced into. So not many choices there!!! I've turned a downstairs room into a bedroom for him. And as I am writing this he is esconced in a hospital type electric bed with air mattress, little table complete with glass of whisky [sorry if I'm sounding bitter] tv, a Carer coming in morning and night to change and wash him. Nurses popping in. But all he wants is his whisky and me - in that order. He objects to any help offered, is in total denial about his condition and will fight us to the bitter end. How much easier it would be if he was a sweet old man, but he is not, he is an angry old drunk.
So back to where I started this -- struggling with resentments. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be primary carer. If I want to go out for any length of time I will have to arrange for someone to sit with him. I don't want to have to be the one to settle him down for the night, give him his morphine get up tomorrow morning and start all over again. Domiciliary care here in the UK is excellent, but at the end of the day I'm the one left holding "the baby".
I want my life back. And I feel so mean saying that. The man is dying. No-one can tell me whether it will be weeks or months. This is only Day 3 with him at home and I'm already struggling. I've lived with this man for over 40 years. And he still loves me. But through all his anger and verbal abuse i know this man is afraid. I can't desert him now. This is such an emotional roller-coaster. One minute my heart is breaking to see him like this, the next I want to hit him over the head.
I have constant daily support from my UK Alanon friends from my f2f group. But tonight I felt the need to reach out again. And I'm glad I did, because I've yet again been reminded that I need to reach out to my HP. Back to the Serenity Prayer and Step 11. I must pray for strength and guidance and compassion. I've managed so far, I can surely manage to carry on for a little while longer. One day at a Time. This too shall pass. I shall do what I can but if it becomes too much then my Higher Power will take over. I have to hand this over. I am so very tired.
My friends, thank you for being there for me tonight. love to all, sheila
Hi She I'm glad you reached out with this. I had a similar situation and despite the patient's insistence only I should assist him, I came to realize I needed help caring for him. It was possible for me to stick around only when the time and duties were shared. If it were 100% my job, I couldn't do it. If it was partly my job, I could be around him more in a way that helped us both.
After the end, I looked back and knew it had been a self-care lesson. Asking for help with my a showed me how to get help for myself, well because doing it all alone was way too much. In retrospect (because his outcome was predicted), it was where I learned to keep enough of me to sustain me.
Shiela, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. You are a saint. I think your feelings are expected feelings considering the situation.
My A is in the hospital again (Dec., Jan. and March) with COPD which is not curable. As soon as he got out of the hospital, he would be right back to the bar every night and even smoking again and not eating properly; therefore he gets sick again. Of course, he is very depressed and is still on oxygen. Each hospital stay has gotten longer. It is totally his fault as he has been a heavy smoker since the age of 17. He is in his early 60s.
And he looks towards me to be there and help. He has no one else. I can't turn my back on him. For some reason, this is the first time that I have not felt hostility toward him for doing this. I feel so sorry for him and for myself because I am losing someone who is so intelligent and talented, and whose life is going downhill because of HIS choices. I know he is very sick. All I can do is to leave it in God's hands and take the hand I am dealt. This is the cross that I must carrry. I honestly don't know how people do it. Besides this, I have my 98 yr. old mother living w us. She's a sweetie, but has little memory left and needs to be watched esp. in the evening. She is praying for death, but it is not her time.
But, Shiela, I guess this is what life is all about--how we handle what is given to us. You have done a wonderful job. You are a loving, caring person. My love and prayers to you. Annie
You know how off the rack stuff is… a few sizes fits all. Well I am not off the rack kind of guy, even when it comes to 12-step programs, like, it is all one step to me… growing. I do not see why you have to struggle with resentments. They are just feelings. Just let feelings be, whether you choose feeling or not. Just do not give them much life if any. Do not fight them, just let the feelings of resentment be, do not disturb or excite them. Just let the resentment come in one door of your mind, and think to yourself, “oops, there goes another one, and let it go out the other door. Easier said than done, with practice… you know.
”But all he wants is his whisky and me”… His majesty the king… the old embittered cuss. It is not ‘you’ that is the object of his demands, it is getting his demands met that are the objects of his focus and dictates. The ‘you’ is an object that he is familiar with; strangers are much harder to control not knowing their triggers. The much lucky old fart, an fart that has not let go yet… when it does… stink! In a moment he is going to be home with God. Can you imagine going from his embittered, sour, mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritual deathly ill, evil self… to the Love that is God. What a ride that will be. Then in a moment his God and him will choose yet another life, maybe even a tougher one than he has now in which to once again try to bring Love where Love seems not to be… and maybe even succeed a little bit this time.
Oh sure, you are going feel guilty from being so overjoyed that he is gone, (that is if you do not force denial on the feeling), but guilt is just a feeling whether you choose it or not. Just do not give that feeling much life if any at all. Just let it go in one door and out the other. Please, you much most have your God’s permission and maybe your God’s insistence that you much enjoy your enjoying that the old cuss is gone… the lucky stiff.
Please, I say all this with the experience of life that not many have had. Experience is probably the best teacher but it can be so costly.
Please! Get him some professional care givers. Let him enjoy exciting himself with bitterness from not getting his way. His majesty will order those usurping him to beheaded, but fortunately all he can do is excite himself with bitterness. Do not rob him of that pleasure. The lucky stiff… Home! God! Jeez!
Oh yeah, off the rack thought... this detachment thing... just stuffing feelings, that's all. That is why you 'thought' you had the resentment thing sussed... you know
Just read your post, I laughed and I cried. Boy even when they are making life painful they are so damn lovable and its so hard to walk away.
The strength required to stay sane in your very stressful situation is I'm sure worthy of the Victorian Cross.
Take all help where ever you can get it.
My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. I have a feeling the first few days are going to be a nightmare but have hope for you that it may get a wee bit easier once you get in to a regular routine, I suppose being a full time caregiver would be much like having a new born baby but with out the joy.
My prayers are with you She, I know how very hard it is to be primary caretaker of someone who is dying. I used to get so scared, and didn't know if I could do it, but my HP gave me the strength to get through. I guess it's human nature to lash out at the ones you love, and love you, when you're scared and hurting. Just try to remember HP won't give you more than you can handle, although I know at times, you don't think you're gonna make it!! You are strong, and God knows, you'll be even stronger before this is over! I just wanted you to know that there are lots of people who understand and care about you and what you are going through. Love and compassion to you and your's, TLC
They say God doesn't give us any more than we can deal with, but sometimes I think he really does fill us to the edge.
I can ony imagine what you are going through at this time, the tiredness, both emotional and physical. I agree with what another poster said, take whatever help you can get at this time.
Also make sure you take time to care for you. You need it now more than ever.
Don't fight your feelings, they are yours and you own them, good or bad, allow yourself to feel them. Make sure you use some of the compassion and patience you have for him on yourself.
As a professional RN get all the help you can. Unfortunately cancer can take our loved ones in weeks or it they can linger for years in agonizing pain tormenting everyone in it's path.
On a personal level I have had experience with cancer. Most of my family was wiped out by the disease. With my step dad it was quick ... six weeks from his diagnosis, with my grandma it was years. As a young teen I remember taking shifts to watch over my grandma. Feeling hopeless and helpless and unable to do much to comfort her. Sleeping in a recliner chair near her bed, listening for the ring of the bell on her table when she needed help. After many months went past the feelings of resentment and anger grew. I was actually mad at her! My sweet little grandma. The woman who comforted me in some of my darkest times. The stress of this kind of intense one on one care is draining at best. Emotionally it can turn your world upside down, to the point where you wonder if you have a life. Get help.
For my hubby seeing his mom dying from cancer is what turned him into an "A" He couldn't handle the emotional stress that came along with her illness.
For your own sanity please get help. There is nothing wrong with the admission that we can't do it all. This kind of illness can dredge up all sorts of angers and resentments and feelings of guilt. Much the same as living with the active "A". Use your tools daily, pray and meditate, and network and keep working Your program.
Please take care of yourself and my prayers go out for you and your family.
Annie
