The material presented
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My "a" called at 4pm, said he'd be home in 1 1/2 hours. Ok, as usual I made dinner for my kids, a placemat was placed on the table for the "a" by my youngest child. And not to my surprise, no "a". After reading you posts, I do not call to see where he is, its his problem, but... the youngest wants to know when he's coming home. So my youngest calls the cell, gets frustrated there is no answere. at the 3rd attempt he finally "made contact, and was told he'd be home in an hour. Well, I told my child that it would be best to go to bed, as the "a" is working late. It is now 10pm and I am really really upset. Not calling him, but steam is building and I just want to lash out at him when he gets here. This gets better, Ive been dealing with this for years, its just now, my children are old enough to see it. That bothers me. Is it wrong of me to expect him to come home, after all we are married? When I question him, he says he is sick of me babysitting him. Well, after all your posts I will no longer baby sit. I am also being told that I am a miserable person. In my defense, isnt there a cause and effect, I mean who wants to be miserable? Yeah, thats what I want to do, as soon as I get up in the morning. Well, I've been so fed up with this that last week when he came home late( as I was to have surgery that morning) we had a fight, which led to a push, which led to me telling him to leave, which led to him daring me to call the police. Well, I did. This doesnt seem to bother him, you see, I got him in trouble, that was all my fault. Who does not come home until 1am when some one they care about is suppose to have surgery the next day. Im going crazy trying to deal with him. One day nice, next day an arrogant "a". I feel that every time he does this (at least once a week) its just sending the message that we (my family) are not that important. That he would rather go home to a bottle and hang out with other people. Is this the message that you who are reading imply, or am I just a miserable person?
hi dear lady, first NO you are not miserable or crazy or anything else the A calls you. It is part of the A's behavior to put the people around them down. They would rather you feel hurt about yourself, than turn it around, and see it is the A that is so miserable.
If you can, find an alanon meeting and go go go!!! I like the book, "Getting Them Sober" but Andrew Rice drew. I need to make sure that is the right author. I find them at used book stores. it is easy to read. excuse me, my cap thingy is broken.
Yes, the addicts drug of choice comes before anyone or anything. And as time goes on, it will get worse and worse as the A gets sicker and sicker.
I just cannot imagine having kids and living with an A. I am so sad for you guys. But you going to alanon and reading and learning will help your kids so very much. they are going to watch you and learn from you.
Alcoholism is a disease like any other. No one would choose to have it, believe me. I learned to separate the man I love from the disease. I treat him with respect and I love him very much. But I had to separate from him. We are still married but he does not live here with me. He has a tendancy to get physically abusive.
He was horrible abused all his life. so he also abuses. It is a learned behavior. Lady people don't abuse becuz they are A. It is not a symptom of alcoholism, neither is cheating.
They havea tendancy to be arrogant, they feel so bad inside it is almost like they over compensate.
for me I began having my own life. I got my own finances, my own home. I did things on my own. If he was a part of it great , if not I would not lose anything but him.
When my kids were very young, he scared us to death being horrible throwing and breaking things. I got a restraining order and did not see him for over ten years.
I refused to allow anyone hurt my kids. Made my hair stand on end. we were better off with him gone. And they are great people.
My a came back sober, we got married and then he had a brain tumor removed and it has been a mess ever since. He is a miserable human being. He tries so hard to live with his disease. He no longer lies to me becuz I have learned from alanon so many skills, and truths,so the A does not have to play games with me.
He knows he cannot pull the wool over my eyes anymore or pull any bs on me. I don't get mad or get pulled in anymore. Not ever.
I had not seen him for a couple months. I have seen him now the last couple of days. I have grown, he has not. He tried to bs me but gave up. I don't ask questions it makes no difference to me if he is drinking or whatever. My life is my own. I love him, period.
He will say, like he does to others, Oh I have not drank for a couple weeks, blah blah blah. I don't respond. I have a rather large pot bellied pig, Luster who adores me and protects me. Well he hates my A. A is great with my animals.They usually love him.
I said today, well maybe it is the alcohol he smells on you that makes him not like you? Just matter of fact. My a did nt argue. He said maybe... then he just basically gave up and decided to tell me his mom pays him to clean her house. He lives with her. so he has a few bucks for cigs and vodka.
I don't react. Just talk about whatever.
Even when he lived here, I was fine with it. I have no control over it so why put any energy or thought into it? I wanted to live with him, I liked him being here. but his disease hit my boundary of no physical abuse. It did not touch me but got close. I just stood my ground and it backed off and I pointed the disease to the door.
Unfortunately the disease took my husband with it.
Anyway you keep coming here, the chat room is great and we have meetings here. Pleae please please know you are a worthwhile, beautiful human being. Take care of those babies.
Im going crazy trying to deal with him. One day nice, next day an arrogant "a". I feel that every time he does this (at least once a week) its just sending the message that we (my family) are not that important. That he would rather go home to a bottle and hang out with other people. Is this the message that you who are reading imply, or am I just a miserable person?
I am reading the "Dilema of the alcoholic marriage" It addresses just this situation of the wife making dinner and the A (husband )comes home very late after promising to be home for dinner. It took the approach what to say to the A when sober. It said to tell him children need to eat at a scheduled time. Nowehre did it address - what to tell the kids....That is a hard one and I have no experience with such a problem.
You WILL go CRAZY trying to deal with an A. Nothing is rational or makes sense. Part of what I learned from one of my first face to face alanon meetings is that "what you are experiencing in your home is insanity" I was told this by the moderator-new person helper. I took it to heart. It remains true. When I STOPPED trying to figure my A out is was a HUGE burden off my mind. I CANNOT reason or rationalize with him, the bottle comes first.
That said, no, you do not derever to be miserable, none of us does... Please find a face to face alanon meeting and go. Your eyes will open up wide.
How did your surgery go?
Are you up and about?
what was the last nice thing you did for you?
Keep coming back - I was emotionally where you are a short time ago
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I won't give any advice because we're not suppose to (I think), plus I'm pretty new too. Although the libraries sometimes carries the books your looking for. Some I'm waiting for; they have ordered them in from another library. I've found
Paths of recovery (still waiting)
Getting them sober (a book that teaches you about helping yourself, that's how you help them)
How Al anon works all the the library. (great for info on just what it says; plus the 12 steps explained)
I could not find any daily readers, so I ended up purchasing one. I heard the Courage to Change one day at a time in al anon, is the more modern book to One day at a time in al anon. I heard both are good.
OH CAN I TOTALLY RELATE!!! I have been in that exact situation many many times. You are not alone. You are not a miserable person its just that being hurt and the pain you feel makes you angry. Anger is hard to deal with. I eventually learned to deal with the fact that I would be disapointed in my AH due to my expectations. "It is our expectations,not our loved ones, that have let us down". "An expectation is a premeditated resentment." These are from the Courage to Change book and have helpped me. I have a hard time letting go of expectations especially when it is the expectation of my children that their dad will be home when he says he will. Seeing their pain is hard and the overwhelming intuition to protect them takes over. I too used to say "dad is working late" Soon I just quit letting my kids phone their dad when they so desperately wanted him to come home I guess it was me trying to protect them. Now on nights that he is out I jst tell the kids that he is out and that they could call him to say good night. It took time for it to be ok but now it is just the norm.
I used to be so hurt all the time because the kids so wanted to be arround their dad and it would be sometimes 3 or 4 days they would go with out seeing their dad:( I remember having had enough and at a point where me getting the brunt of my sons anger that I had a conversation with my AH about it. "The children love you so much and simply just miss you. It is ok for you to break promises you make to me but please if you are any kind of dad do not set the kids up for so much hurt and disapointment. It is me not you that has to deal with them being so upset and it is not fair of you to do this." Of course he did not believe me back then because the kids were always so happy just to see their dad. Soon my son 3 at the time finally said on his own accord "dad what ever you are in the dumb bar maybe i might see you tomorrow" Poor kid sometimes i feel just awful but hering it from his son must have lit a fire under his a*& because he began to come home when he said he would. Although sometimes so intoxicated it would be best the kids didn't see him he did start comming home when he said he would.
Another thing that helpped me with this situation was something a friend had said about embracing the relationship I have with my kids and being happy that I am the one who gets to enjoy all the best of my kids. Knowing that I am the one who does special things with them and that I am the one who does not disapoint them, the one they know that they can count on and the one that they will always be able to come to. That as they get older they will realize it is me that has gotten to share the special things in their life. It gives me a bit of peace of mind.
It has taken me a long time to stop letting his behavior and actions get to me, however sometimes I slip things have gotten alot better. Once I realized what "my probem was" and began to concentrate on myself and my children I began to not be so miserable towards him.
It is all I can do to not phone him after work sometimes and I would make up excuses to phone him and I would say I have let go and a friend recently said to me that I haven't let go because now instead of calling to see if he was out its for what would you like for dinner or planning dinner arround weather he would be attending or not. Just when I think that I am working my program and doing ok with my recovery I realize that I am holding myself back from it and that letting go and detaching is so hard and this to will take time. So I figure that it took me years to get as sick as I am or was and it will take just as long if not longer to learn all i need to get myself better from what this disease has done to me.
Sorry I have gone on so much but reading your post is exactly what I could have posted at one time, it is as if someone read my mind at on piont or another and put it down. We have so so so much in common and I know what it is like to feel like you are feeling now (even the surgery thing)and I also know what it is like to feel like things are great. I hope the best for you and pray for your serenity.
Remember the 3 C's
I didn't cause it I can't control it I can't cure it
(Codependant no more is a wonderful book)
So nice to meet you. Keep comming back this is a wonderful place and so many here have helpped me.
I can understand exactly where you are coming from and I can feel the pain the alcoholism is causing you. Sadly, my dear, what you describe is the face of alcoholism...broken promises, unpredictability, blaming, lying, angry outbursts, etc. etc. and the list goes on. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and insidious disease that robs the families as well as the alcoholic and it has its effects both on us and them. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that can be arrested, but only if the alcoholic comes to the realization on his own that he needs help.
It was a great relief for me when I was told the 3C's...I did not cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it. In Al-Anon I learned that I could be happy "whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not." I also learned not to make any major life decisions until I attended Al-Anon meetings for six months. For me, leaving was not an option! What I had to do was to keep the focus on myself and not on what he was doing or not doing because the reality is I cannot change it...the only person I can change is me. I was so angry when I first came into Al-Anon that my anger had turned into rage. Anyone taking a look into my home would surely think...what is the matter with her..we know what is wrong with him he is an alcoholic. I was the "crazy woman" of the house!
The more I attended face-to-face Al-Anon meetings, the more I learned that I needed to be careful how I say things, I needed to learn to say what I mean without being mean and to mean what I say. I also learned not to engage an alcoholic when he is drinking. Also, I learned that I am not to blame for anything and everything under the sun no matter how much the alcoholic tried to convince me of this. I learned I did not have to accept unacceptable behaviour and the real shocker for me was that, before Al-Anon, my behaviour was much more unacceptable than his and that I had better focus on my own. I began to be aware of what I was saying and doing and things began to improve in my home. Finally, I was looking at my part in all the chaos.
Also, in Al-Anon, I learned what detachment is and how to apply that to my situation. I learned that sometimes I need to walk away rather than respond to angry accusations, blame, unacceptable behaviour, etc etc. I learned that in every situation I had to do whatever I could to keep the focus on me and to take good care of myself.
As far as your children go, they deserve one sane parent. Please keep posting here, attending meetings face-to-face if you can, and attend the online meetings here. There is lots of understanding, support and love here and we do understand. It will get better as you learn and apply the Al-Anon principles and the tools. Sometimes when one person in the family is in recovery the other one follows, but there is no guarantee. The very best you can do for you and your children is keep coming back...you will begin to feel better.
Love in recovery - Jeri(Shimo)
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The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Hi Megan, thanks for your support. I've been very tired so I havent been able to get on line but when I do, this board is my sanity, Im learning a lot of great tools. As far as the surgery, I didn't go, It was the day that my A came in late and we had a fight, I was up all night and didnt have the strength to go and he smelt like beer wouldn't that be a nice smell at the surgery center. In addition i didn't want him bringing me because I was really angry with him, still am. He had his weekly binge wendesday night, and he finally is admitting he is an alcoholic. I dont know though, they always admit, then they say sorry and it will not happen again, then they feel good and it starts all over again. Crazy I tell you. Thanks again for your kind words and I will start focusing on myself and my kids. How are you?
I'm still learning how to use a message board, so thank you to all who responded to me with your great advice, your life tools, your experiences, and the compassion to help others, you are all angels to me. It means a lot and I will be visiting the board as it is a great tool for me. The affirmation that its not me is a weight of my shoulders. You have all been comforting, thanks again, just know I'll be here for all of you too.
It is now 10pm and I am really really upset. Not calling him, but steam is building and I just want to lash out at him when he gets here.
*****That's because you are *white knuckling it* and going on sheer willpower alone. Willpower will fail us just as it fails the A. Leaning how to really implement the tools of this program into your daily life will make this so much easier for you.
You said:
Is it wrong of me to expect him to come home, after all we are married?
********Yes you are married, but unlike some other married couples, your husband suffers from the disease of alcoholism/addiction. When we *expect* anything from anyone we are setting ourselves up to feel resentful when they don't do what we expect. The only person we can have expectations of is ourselves since we are the only ones we can control.
You said:
I mean who wants to be miserable? Yeah, thats what I want to do, as soon as I get up in the morning.
******Noone wants to be miserable, however everyone living with an A was miserable before they learned from this program how to have serenity regardless of what the A was or wasn't doing. Do you have a sponsor? Working the steps with a sponsor will be the true starting point of your recovery.
You said:
Who does not come home until 1am when some one they care about is suppose to have surgery the next day.
******An A, that's who. Mine didn't even come to the hopsital the second night I was there after having our last son.
You said:
Im going crazy trying to deal with him.
*******That's where Let Go and Let God comes into play. We can't deal with them. It is all too much for us. We need to little by little step aside and let our Higher Power take over.
You said:
I feel that every time he does this (at least once a week) its just sending the message that we (my family) are not that important. That he would rather go home to a bottle and hang out with other people.
*****The disease of Alcoholism/Addiction can make us feel that our A's dont love us the way they should. But as we learn more about this disease we realize it has nothing to do with lack of affection or love for their families. They are sick. They are doing what people with their disease do when not in recovery which is get drunk or get high. He's not choosing alcohol or other people over you, he is powerless over this disease. The *choice* to drink has been taken away from him. If you haven't already, I suggest you get a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It helped me so much in understanding this disease and how it affects the entire family. You may want to start with the chapter: To the Wives. Go easy on yourself, work this program the best you can with a sponsor and your feelings of being miserable will begin to disappear.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
I so know how hard it is with the children my son (3) said to me on the way home last night 'I dont want to go home mummy cant we go and live in a house just me and you' I said but we would miss daddy honey he says 'But daddy gets cross at me and you all the time, can't we go and live in a new house mummy and daddy can come and visit when he doesn't get cross' I tell you i was trying hard to hold back the tears and keep it together while driving.
Its so hard with the kids I can feel your pain hurt and anger.
Yes its crazy.
But we dont have to get crazy too, we can get help and help ourselves.
Hello ... Wow your situation hits home for me... all I can say is I too was in the same position about 3 months ago... I had to take action on my (husband)my A for his actions with my 17 yr. old son whom he has been with since age 7. The older our children get the less they tolerate from them.. Im learning this now... they see how they treat us and they dont like it and they begin to speak out... My husband didnt like my son speaking up so therefore threatned him and when my son replied back with I will call the cops on you it upset my husband and he threw the phone through our living room wall.. It resulted in me calling the police and reporting him.. We are seperated and have been now for 3 months... he flunked a drug test and is now forced to go to rehab AGAIN...I was affected when I was younger by my parents fighting over my fathers drinking... I didnt realize this until recently now that I am older and have been working this program realizing why I keep choosing the same kind of relationship.. I try and tell my kids that it is not him that wants to be the way he is that he has a disease and we have no control over his disease... Ive explained to them that HE has to WANT to change and that he has to use the tools he has available to him to change... If he does not his disease controls him.. He does not want to be the way he is and when he does something that he feels bad about it just makes him that much more miserable with himself and he takes it out on the ones he loves the most unfortunaely... My kids are starting to understand that it is a disease now but they dont have the PATIENCE it takes to deal with the A the way WE do by working OUR program... I think it is because they are not their CHOSEN mates...but I keep talking to my HP and Letting go and Lettin GOD handle this situation and ONE DAY AT A TIME hope the situation corrects itself... We are still seperated and I am stuck with all the bills and house but I get through all of it with the help of everyone in the meetings and turning it over to my HP and most of all trying to KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME and what I can do to make ME feel better and take care of ME... so hang in there it does get better.. smeep61
Whenever I begin to doubt who I am as a person as a result of someone trying to intimidate me, I ask myself some questions. FIRST, I ask myself what the TRUE meaning of love is and analyze that, given the circumstances. This answer ALWAYS comes back to a realization that the person I am with ABSOLUTELY does not love me because they do not even know how to love themselves. It is a VERY difficult truth to accept, BUT it is the truth. A person who can love, ONLY does so by loving themselves first. We wouldn't treat a stranger with such disrespect and no compassion, so it is unacceptable to be treated this way by someone that says that they love us. SECOND, I look at how my life would be without this person in my life and how it does or does NOT contribute to the purpose for MY life. Love is supposed to be uplifting, now drag us down. I believe that is where we all end up struggling the most-- because we who hurt because of those we love being sick always want to believe that we are there to uplift them-- don't want to give up on them because we see their illness. However, the truth is we are unequally yoked. Another difficult truth to accept.
THIRD, and MOST IMPORTANT, all of this reflection is given to God-- who offers me peace, which is the final indication to me that my choices are what God wants for my life and that I can trust Him completely. It is NEVER our responsibility to take care of a sick person, nor anyones responsibility to take care of us-- ONLY God is in control.
I must say that listening to everyone in their relationships offers me strength each day to not ever reconcile with my ex. I feel your pain as you express your situation and it brings back the memories of my pain. I know for certain that I wouldn't be where I was today if I didn't make some of the most difficult choices in my life yesterday. With these choices come wisdom, integrity, and eternal peace. I keep every person who is affected by alcoholism and continues to deal with their a in my prayers constantly, as I KNOW how difficult it is to leave. I feel blessed that God offers me strength to have left many situations throughout my life.
Take Care and NEVER lose hope-- but when I say NEVER lose hope, I mean NEVER lose hope in who YOU are... It wasn't until focused my prayers on myself, asking for strength and guidance, instead of asking God to change my ex a because I loved him so much that I realized my relationship is with God FIRST.
First of all, you are not a miserable person. This disease is miserable.
Most A's blame everyone but themselves and their booze for their actions and the trouble it causes them.
You did not get him in trouble, him and his drinking got himself in trouble. But if he admitted that he would have to face the consequences of his actions and face his disease, so the blame has to go to the nearest scapegoat.
Sadly I have found that expecting an actively drinking alcoholic to act like a loving husband is asking to get hurt. The booze always comes first and their is no rhyme or reason that another person would understand. Trying to figure it out will make you crazy. If you are not an A, you do not think like an A.
The only thing you can do is take care of you. Learn as much about the disease as you can, go to meetings, come here and learn how to detatch.
Don't blame yourself, and don't accept any of the blame he might try and put on you. When my husband blamed me and put me down, I pictured him talking to a mirror, because that is who he should have been talking to.
