The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here's a process that should take a lifetime. Actually, I'll probably have to come back a few times to complete it. Just how am I to forgive myself for the ravage I've caused in so many people's lives? How do I forgive and forget placing myself above everyone else? How can the hurts of life that seem so distant, yet right in my face, ever be healed?
Well, from where I sit, it appears it just takes time. Time to sit alone and seek whatever guidance I believe in. The word "wait" is like a slap in the face to me, but that's exactly what I've had to do. Wait and give myself time to learn a new way of living. A new way to interact with life.
Healing is like the peeling of an onion. As each layer is removed, another appears. As I look at an onion I notice that the outer layer is tough and not too tasty. It's a hard shell produced to protect the inner sweetness the core of the onion possesses. So rank are some layers that tears come to the eye as they are peeled away. But the peeling continues because we know that the center is sweet and the tears will subside and a good meal will be enhanced by its presence.
What I've found is that I need not forgive and forget, because it is really quite impossible. What I need to do is remember the event I'm dealing with and then release it. Remembering is not always pretty, it usually hurts. But I've found that nothing goes away by my ignoring it and if I wish to grow these things need to be dealt with.
The old line, "You did the best you could with the information you had at the time" gets me through the "remember and release" painful periods. I cannot judge yesterdays actions with the expanded information I have today. As I remember and release, this line helps me to forgive my part of the situation. I can only sweep my side of the street. I didn’t get this way overnight and my healing will take awhile also. But I can forgive myself for today.
I agree that foregiveness, a large part of healing, takes time. It's important to learn to be still, to take time for inner reflection and to listen to my HP. What's also important for me is to get out of my head and into action. Alanon has taught me how to do both. I've learned to face my fears, to deal with my guilt and anger, and to set healthy boundaries for myself and my children.
As long as I continued to react to situations out of fear, guilt and anger, I continued to make the same unhealthy choices and continued with the same unhealthy behavior. Quite frankly, it was hard to forgive myself when I kept doing the same thing over and over! Today, by working a strong recovery program, I have different choices. I still make lots of mistakes. The difference is with strong faith in my HP I have the courage to acknowledge my mistakes, honestly apologize if needed (to myself and others), choose a different path, and move on.
