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Just got over a week's visit with my A & we drank together. I really don't feel guilty about MY drinking as it calmed my nerves so I was able stay calm around his behaviour, but now I have to deal with my own alcoholism.
I haven't had a drink since Saturday---two days sober, yet again. I realize that the alcohol numbed me to all the old feelings of resentment I have towards my A. Somehow, they came out anyway....but, at least not in full force.
It was such a fast visit, & we traveled so there was no relaxing. When we did have time, he slept. I saw how is pulling away from me now as I slowly go over that bridge to serenity.
We left everything on good terms this time at least. He wants to move nearer to me, but still no commitment. I guess I shouldn't expect anything, he's very active, after all, but it still hurts.
Why am I so obsessed with this? I know in a few days, things will be better. My HP will show me a better peace of mind. My nerves are shot right now.
Thanks for listening, any advice would be appreciated.
I don't feel up to giving advice but I will share some of my life.
I tried to drink to keep my feelings and issues at bay with my A. I numbed myself up good for a while. Then there were 2 crazy people in my house. It was awful and far far worse than having to cope with his insanity ( from drinking) sober.
If you can't beat them, join them. I tried it and I see you are too.
Its a slippery slope and very self destructive. I now drink occassionally - last night at dinner with my family I had a beer - so what for me.
Alanon teaches us to take care of US....To drink to cope with the A will not lead you to recovery. I have tried that route and failed miserably
Peace will come back to you...
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
It is good for you that you are seeking serenity and recovery for yourself.
I lose my serenity if I take the focus off myself and place it on other people. For me to live my life in serenity I have to be aware of me and my feelings at all times. I have had to seek what is the motivation behind my actions...am I trying to change another, manipulate another, control another, etc. etc.
The 3c's are very helpful...I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it. The 3c's spell relief for me because it tells me I cannot do anything about the disease of alcoholism in another person...their recovery or lack thereof is neither my responsibility nor is it any of my business. The only responsibility I have is to myself and my recovery. Step one clearly tells me I am powerless over alcohol and that my life has become unmanageable.
If you are not already attending face-to-face Al-Anon meetings, you may find it very helpful, as well as attending the Al-Anon meetings we have here on-line. Also, you are the only one who knows if you should attend AA meetings...you may be a person who could benefit from both...but that is for you to decide.
Please keep posting here and attending meetings. You will find lots of experience, strength, hope and love in these rooms.
Yours in recovery - Shimo
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The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Hi, I took a overnight trip with my husband once. It was a fast trip, too. If he didn't want to do what I found interesting, he wanted to do the trip "his" way. He even disappeared on me for "bathroom breaks". He was a little jekyll/hyde-y as he was trying to do the trip without booze. Otherwise, had we been home, he'd be asleep in the chair. He was not fun at all on our trip...I was a mess when we came back.
I kept on with my alanon meetings, practiced detachment, got a life. It never changed, he never changed until he was ready... so it was very important that I take care of myself.
If your A moves closer, how will his proximity affect you? Will it enable him more? Food for thought.
I can relate to your idea of "if ya can't beat em, join em", been there, done that, and what a disaster!! I guess the alcohol made us equals alright.. I wanted to fight as much as my A did! Sometimes it even ended in violence, cops taking one of us away..driving drunk to get away from the other.., yup! I had as much 'fun' drinking as he did! It was so much fun, I don't remember a lot of it...
Sorry I sound so synacle (sp). Those were some of the worst experiences of my life! Back then, I didn't have Alanon. I don't know where we would have ended up if my HP hadn't guided me here! My A won't go to AA, but my coming here has been my sanity saver, and has been a Miracle in Progress for us. It has truly been a miracle, and I thank my HP many,many times for it!
Keep coming back, you're worth it, and it works if you work it!! Your's in recovery, TLC
