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Hi everyone. Well, tomorrow my husband is coming home for a visit for a couple of weeks and I'm really nervous about it tonight. I guess because while he was gone and things were so up in the air about our marriage, I really had to focus on ME and let go of everything else. Now that we've been talking more and stuff I'm worried that I'll lose my focus and I'm also afraid we will fall back into our old habits of relating to each other. I really don't want that to happen and have been doing alot of reading, praying, going to meetings, etc., but I don't feel very serene about this. I guess because I want the marriage to work and I'm glad he's giving it a chance, but I don't want us to go back to the way we used to be. There is alot of love between us, but there is also alot of ACOA stuff from each of our childhoods and I just hope that I don't slide right back into that old stuff the minute I see him. SIGH
If you guys would send up a few prayers for me and for us, I'd appreciate that right now. Thanks. :)
I, as in me, really do not believe you need us to pray for you because of least a couple of reasons. One, is that your God knows what you need and is more than willing to give your needs to you and two, you being so connected to your concerns, you know what’s up now. You will be okay. You will be okay even if things are not as okay as you would want them to be, because then it will be just another teacher in your life. There really are no sins in life; just lessons… so, I so truly believe.
Hi Autumn, Part of alanon that helped me was to take one step at a time. Be in the moment. We never know how we will feel or what will happen. that is where leaving it in hp's hands comes in.
Take a breath and relax. Just let it happen naturally. Well that is what I do. I have the serenity prayer up in two places and some other reminders too. Maybe that would help you. I remember when I started to work on me, I put positive reinforcement sayings I liked around the house.
to this day I still like me...(c:
so maybe reminders around would help you.
When my husband would come back, I would just appreciate every moment I had with him when he was him and not driven by the disease.
I found I could cont. to follow alanon skills. I did keep reading though and set up a definite routine for when the disease would try to mess with me.
I mean an A is n A. the disease has the same o pattern.
Anyway hope things go well for you, have faith in you and in your hp. love,debilyn
Treat him as "IF" is the best advice I ever recieved from a old timer. Drunk of sober he is still alcoholic. by treating him as IF he were still drinking it just reminded me to use my program .Al-Anon suggestions are to make my life better period so I had to learn to respond and not react. Just work your program and let him work his, there came a time for me when I gave my relationship to God said if there is going to be a relationship here your going to have to be the one to do it, cause I quit.
Get your life back on track, leave your husb's recovery to God and AA. and please remember that you were not the reason he drank or used and your not responsible for keeping him sober. that is his job leave it with him. Put your relationship with a HP first and the marriage will take care of itself. Lower your expectaions and you will be fine. good luck Louise
Wow! That is a lot for you to handle right now. I really don't have any advice, but rather some experiences that have helped me in the past.
Several years ago, when my daughter was an out-of-control teenager, I was a member of a Tough Love group. At one meeting, the leader of the group asked me what my major concern was at that moment with my daughter. I was terrified that when my daughter graduated from high school, she would take away the family cat. I had been obsessing about this for weeks, maybe months. It was literally making me sick. Anyway, the group leader looked at me like I was a nut, and said, "While you are worrying about the future, you can't function in the now."
You've heard all the sayings, I'm sure, like: "Let go and let God. Seek and you shall find. Ask and you shall receive. When you're not strong enough, that's when God will carry you." What's really amazing is that these things really do work when we do them!
Question: Why is today a gift from God? Answer: Because it is the present.
Please enjoy God's present right now! Like others have said before me, I'm sure you will be fine. God is with you!
Hi Autumn...................you will be totally fine. Do not have any expectations, and you will be surprised at what you will receive. Practice what you have learned, and remember the 3 c's.
Prayers for you and yours
Unsure
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Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself, only be concerned with the day you are living, today.
The power of this program is profound. You are already doing so well. As you stated, just don't forget yourself. Perhaps read from Courage to Change in the morning when you awake ~ Just that few minutes alone may set the tone for the day and help you stay in the moment ~ I found when I really wanted something so bad I could taste it, my expectations were so high that even I could not live up to them :). Remember our tools, "This Too Shall Pass," "One Day (and moment if need be) At A Time."
And I will say a prayer that all goes well for you in whichever way it was supposed to. Remember we are here for you.
:) Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Consider it done Autumnangel. My positive thoughts and prayers are with you.
Yes, of course, as Richard said, God knows what we want before we ask, but to bow our heads before His presence and ask for His help is human, which we are after all. To acknowledge His omnipotence replenishes our souls, and gives us strength to carry out our various life's missions. I am happy to keep you in my prayers.
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
my a and i got back together in sobriety after a 2 and 1/2 year separation. i know your anxiety. just remember, if you don't want to have the same relationship ( and you can't cause it was sick), then do the opposite of what you used to.
ie...if you used to answer back, try agreeing, or saying 'you might be right'. if you used to get angry, try walking away, going shopping or saying a prayer for him. alcoholics are told to do everything different when they sober up. if you used to put on your left shoe first, put on your right, if you used to get up on one side of the bed, get up on the other. if you used to lounge, excercise. etc. you get rid of old behaviors without replacing them with new ones. it has worked wonders for us.
I agree that the main thing is not to have too many expectations. What I found the toughest when my A (my husband) was sober for 5 months was being patient. I all of a sudden expected things to be"normal", but they were not.
Some of the behaviours were still there and I had to stop myself from commenting on things many many times.
be patient with him and enjoy the time that you get to spend together
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
AutumnAngel, I know that the hardest thing for me to do when my A was not drinking was to not compromise ME. I found myself not being true to myself because I wanted it to work. I ended up walking on egg shells and not expressing how I really felt. I do believe we must be as honest in the moment as we can in order to feel good about ourselves. It is very difficult for me to do as I take the route of a peacemaker most of the time. Boy, though, it is such a great feeling to actually connect with ME in the moment and my TRUE self. I need to practice it more. My prayers are w you. Annie
What a stressful time for you! I can feel your nervousness as if it were my own. Isn't it amazing how much time and energy we spend worrying, i especially.
I read a letter written to my father at Christmas time, it was fantastic it had a note about a worry club that him and his friends had formed (i must try and get hold of it), it went something like this:
My friends and i have formed a worry club and we have decided to save up all our worries for the week and worry for only ten minutes at 3.00pm on Wednesday afternoons. It was alot longer and v clever (knew i should have written it down at time) every time i am worrying too much i think of it and it still makes me lol
Hi Trac, I agree "act as if"...and if there's anything new and wonderful about you...since he's been gone...that won't be an act! You'll do fine...but will pray a little prayer for you.
Annie