The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A called at 2:00 and wanted to stay and play cards with friends. i said no, but he did anyway. He Promised he would call if he'd be later than 3:30, but it is after 3:30, and nothing! I tried to call, but no answer. I don't know whether to be mad, or scared, or think he is with another girl. I am just sitting here crying, b/c he BROKE another promise! I am 6mos. pregnant, what if there were an emergency? I would leave and go to a hotel, but I don't want to wake up our 2yr. old daughter and take her out in the cold weather. If anyone is on here, I just need to talk to someone. I am practically hysterical! please help!
Hi Leah, It is awesome to hear you r taking care of baby and self. Nice! I finally had to put my a out of my life. Dude is calling me names - I know its part of the disease - the blame game. If you decide to keep an open space with him in your life - it is ok. Could you decide to close the door on him it is ok. It is your life - well, now the baby's life too. I had the good fortune to hold a newborn the other day. Take car of you, no matter what - I know the should I stay or should I go routine and as someone starts taking a dump on me - I'm like you can not do this to me twice. And then they go. For what its worth - do take care of babe. Regards Wille
Do you drink tea? Make yourself a nice drink and perhaps stay on line to keep your mind off A. He will stumble in at some stage and it wont be you who has messed up. You will have the upper hand! Think of a dog crawling home with its tail between his legs (I mean that in the nicest possible way)
I'm sure when he looks at you tomorrow so dependant on him and thats exactly what we are when we are carrying a baby we need our men to be there for us so we feel safe and secure -he will know he has let you down and he will most likely feel very bad.
Try to stay calm and not let your thoughts run away with you, I know this is v hard to do.
You are in my prayers. I am pretty new to ALANON, but reading your share took me back to the days of my marriage. I wondered where he was, and felt so trapped in a no win situation. My one year old in the crib and another on the way.
I guess the thing that came to mind was your stress and being pregnant. I know that there are no quick ways to learn the tools of this program. But prayer really does go a long way.
Hi Leah, I am sorry to see you are suffering so much pain. I like to ask you a question, are you expecting that your dysfunctional man addicted to drugs like alcohol, etc. to think and act any different from a dysfunctional man addicted to drugs like alcohol, etc? If so, then perhaps it is your expectations that are hurting you and not the present nature of your man. As for me, as in not you, I would rather learn to cope with life caring for a two year old and being pregnant by myself, than put up with such a dysfunctional and addicted person. I would let the person's God and the person do there own life.
Do what it takes to connect with your HP and take your focus off of your A. It is best for you, the baby and your daughter.
I have to say from being on the other side of where you are, having gotten involved with a man who left his g/f just months before him and I got together, then finding out she was pregnant that I learned the hard way what he was all about. Although, he helped her through her pregnancy and I didn't expect him not too, I realize now how sorry I am for having gotten involved with him. I didn't know the extent of alcoholism and how it distorts the persons sense of reality and feelings towards others. Now being out of the on/off relationship with him, I have come to terms with how I contributed indirectly to hurting the mother of his baby as well. Even though, he never cheated on her with me because we had just been friends-- I had NO idea the extent of this disease and how insensitive and uncaring he could be. Looking back at how he treated his ex g/f during our relationship, which in turn I was at fault too because I shouldn't have stayed involved when I saw how distant he was with her and not putting much effort into our relationship, I was repeating the same pattern he was used to and that was thinking how things could be different with me because he loved me. I've come to know now that I MUST work on my relationship with God to help me with my pain and also seek forgiveness is contributing to his ex g/f's pain.
They had a beautiful daughter together and what I realize now is that my pain may have been her blessing to get away from him as much as it hurt her, because she is taking care of her and her daughter. I hope that maybe something good comes out of this, at least for their daughter. Perhaps, avoiding years of heartache with an alcoholic and the influence of his behavior to their daughter living directly in the house.
I don't know if this has helped, but I want you to know that having been on the other side of a relationship with an A, that played cards on Friday night and reflecting on what his ex must have felt like, I wanted you to know that YOU are worth so much more.
Take care of yourself and children. God wants you to have a good, peaceful, life and you are not responsible for ANY adult.
Hope you are feeling a bit better in the light of day. I remember a time when I was pregnant with my second child feeling the exact same way. Keep coming back.
Hugs
Aly
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If you keep on doing what you have always done, you will get what you've always gotten !
So sorry to hear of your pain last night - it's hard I'm sure.
Couple of things you can focus on...
First, tell yourself - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Say it every ten minutes if you need to, but recognize that the A is in a relationship with alcohol. Until the A ends it on his/her own, crying, getting mad, threats, etc. will all end with the same result.
Second, get to a meeting today if you possibly can. If you are unable to take yourself, call a friend, family member, pastor, etc. Al Anon is a WE program, and the collective membership of Al Anon is here for you, but you have to reach out (which you did on the board) and the best situation is using both the board and face-to-face meetings. They are a terrific combination towards getting and keeping your serenity.
We do care, and want the very best for you and your children!
Sorry this is the first I was able to read your post. Ah the broken promises. My hubby is clean almost a year and a half and still the broken promises continue. Sobriety does not change everything, it can offer a whole new set of challenges. For me , all that I could do is work my own Program even more intently. I keep the focus on me. Seeing you have a young child and are pregnent that is where you can focus also. Please take care of yourself and those babies. Remember you have no control over what the "A" does, you only have control over yourself.
My husband has drank through six pregnancy's. My little Conner is a little over a year old. I had put my husband out at the beginning of this last one, I couldn't take it anymore. The pregnancy was a hard one. I was over forty, there where quite a few health issues and a few scares with the baby.
The support I recieved here was unbelievable. The people where so caring and compassionate and with the help of f2f meetings, this message board and my older children. I got through the pregnancy. My little angel was born healthy, by c-section 2 months early.
During this time I discovered a strength I never knew I had. I could take whatever this life sent my way, and not only survive but flourish.
Take care of yourself and that little angel, you are both worth it. Have a backup plan in case there is an emergency and he is drinking. It is not cruel, it is survival.
I got into trouble and had to go to the hospital 8 weeks early and they took Conner by C-section. My husband was not home, he was off drinking. My 16 year old son drove me to the hospital with a learners permit. We where all okay, and it is one of my older sons proudest moments, as his Mom, mine too.
Do what you need to for you. If your husband is sober, nothing is lost, but if he isn't, at least you have prepared for the safety of you and the baby.
