how honest with the children? - Al-Anon Family Group

babs · Veteran Member

how honest with the children?

wallsal55 · Senior Member

First of all, I think this is very tough, knowing what's enough info and what's too much...I would suggest you could tell him you are going for yourself so mommy feels better. Not blaming and putting down dad at every chance could be more damaging...the visual signs of the drinking for your 9 yr. old are definitely enough...kids know what's going on....Keep Coming Back...Check back often...

Others will post a reply here sharing their experience, strength and Hope! : )

babs · Veteran Member

thanks for the info

kismetstrand · ~*Service Worker*~

My children are older...13 thru 22. I married my A 5 years ago, didn't find Alanon until November 2003. What to tell them...hmmm. As Wallsal said, they can see whats going on. What I told mine after finding Alanon, explained it as the sickness it is. Told them I was going to Alanon because Alanon helps me. I think them being able to see the changes in me said more than any words could say. My youngest, when I asked her what alcoholism is, said "It's when someone says hurtful things to you, but they don't really mean it, they don't know they are saying it." Now she hadn't gotten that definition from me, that's what she came up with on her own. Boy, kids sure can be smart! My husband is still an active drinker, but with the help of Alanon, I've learned not to react and it has helped so much. The family is much calmer and happier. I'm happier. I understand more, I know I have choices on how I want my mood to be. My husband responds well when I'm in a good mood. Before Alanon I was always feeling miserable because he was drinking, and that in turn would just turn him into a miserable drunk. Now he can sit there and have his drink and be in a pleasant mood. No more of those nasty fights. Yes, we have choices. Alanon helps us see those choices. Keep coming back!!

Much love to you!

Kis

kissers · Senior Member

There are some Al-Anon groups for teenagers. I would be completely honest with your children because they know something is very wrong. Can you take them to a therapist to help them deal with their emotions?

alystylz · Veteran Member

Hi Babs

I agree. Kids know what's going on. Especially by age 9. Surely he has had some health education at school on drugs and alcohol by this age. Its kinda like the sex talk in my opinion. Tell them what is age appropriate. In this case, answers his questions honestly. Don't elaborate or try and explain it too technically. Maybe get a book from the library or rent a video or talk to a proffessional if he is overly preoccupied. For the most part, I would make sure to let him know that his Dad is not bad, or lacking will power. Explain it as a disease. Use the program tools. There used to be a book called "whats drunk mama" in the CAL literature. It is being revised at present, but there are still groups that have copies available. I know mine does. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Hugs

Aly

cabecka · Veteran Member

Babs-

I don't have children of my own, but I have 80 children in my classroom (not all at one time, mind you). The only thing that I can tell you, coming from one of the people that spends almost as much time with your son as you do, is that he knows. He may not be able to put the peices together in his head, his poor little brain is already strained with growing and learning and playing, but he sure knows alot more than he thinks. He may be looking to you for confirmation that what he observes around home is not quite right. He knows that daddy drinks too much and acts funny, and he knows that mommy is upset alot, and more than likely, he knows that the two things are related. I can only imagine that it must be scary for him.

Ally has recommended the book "What's Drunk Mama?" which is available on the WSO website ( https://ssl.perfora.net/s105607162.oneandoneshop.com/sess/utn;jsessionid=1542221256af633/shopdata/index.shopscript ). This is an excellent resource for fostering meaningful discussions with kids (and it's only 1.25). I loved what kismetstrand said, that letting her boys see positive changes in her was worth more than any words between them. I am not an expert in child development, aside from my daily experience with kids. I can tell you this- one of the primary needs of children is safety- they just need to know they are OK. He needs you to work your program and be his role model. What better person than you, babs? His loving, caring mommy... what a lucky little guy!

Keep coming back, babs, you are SOOOOO worth it!

Warmest regards,

Cara
("cabecka")

socalmom · Veteran Member

Hi Babs,

Thank you for posting. I have two children, 6 & 9. My husband is currently not living at home. We are legally separated due to his drinking and abusive behavior.

For so many years (all of their lives) I was in denial. I pretended that my life was "normal" and masked over the problems caused by an alcoholic environment. Of course, I was teaching -- both directly and indirectly -- my children to also ignore what our home life was really like. Beginning my Alanon program over two years ago changed my life in amazing ways. As my life has changed, so has my children's.

After about 4 - 6 months into my program I was ready and able to be honest with my children. I can still remember some of our earlier conversations. The relief on my children's faces and in their demeanor when they were allowed to actually start talking about their Dad's "episodes" was unbelievable. The sense of relief for them was very much like the sense of relief I felt when I first went to Alanon and found that I wasn't alone.

Most of the time I let my children take the lead. When they have questions about their Dad, me, or just their lives in general I can answer them honestly, directly and in ways they can relate to. I reassure them that Dad's behavior is not their fault. They didn't do anything to cause it and there's nothing they can do to make it go away. Though Dad doesn't live at home now and his explosive behavior doesn't affect us directly, we still talk about it from time to time. Most conversations focus on being responsible for our own actions and setting appropriate boundaries for ourselves. Even at 6 & 9, my children very definitely grasp these concepts and apply them to their relationships with friends at school, church, activities, etc.

The best gift I can give my children is to continue with my own recovery. The healthier I am physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, the better I can answer my children's questions and guide them towards making healthy decisions for themselves.

Peace,

Jane

lildee · Senior Member

Hi Babs,

We have two girls. My younger was just about the age of your child when hubby addictions became apparent. How much to tell? Honestly I didn't have to say much at the beginning. They both knew what was going on. Not only did they see their dad plastered and coming home at at weird hours, but they both had drug and alcohol prevention classes in school. With time and me gaining strength in my own Program I was able to talk to them more and more about our situation. Neither of them wanted to go to Alateen. For them it was like putting more salt into the wound. So when their dad goes off to his meetings, we have our own informal meeting. They can vent, cry, do as they need. For us it keeps the lines open and everyone is on the same page. They both understand that it is a disease and that recovery is going to be a life long commitment. Having open honest dicussions with them has brought us all a lot closer. It gives them the understanding and explanations that they need.

Love & God Bless

lildee

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