The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I find myself, like many here, wavering btw great sadness about the break up and all that represents and great excitement for a much healthier future.
In general, I have a tendancy to seemingly not really deal with emotions very well or deny myself having emotions about things. For example, my Dad passed away when I was a baby. In general I feel like that's a sad thing, but the circumstance of my life. No one planned it that way or the universe didn't set out against me to not have my Dad. Most times when people say, "oh I'm sorry to hear that", I respond with, "thanks, but its' just the way it is". However, there have been times when I've sought counselling etc and when it comes to discussing "family of origin" every time I begin talking about my Dad, I break down, immediately. See cool on the outside and I believe at the time, that I am not particularily sad about this peice of my life, but then I am shocked when it's like BAMMMM...the floodgates open up.
So, yes, sometimes I surprise myself that I have these emotions that I never really thought I did. And this happens with many things, where I think I have this sorted out and I'm okay with it and then BAMM...my emotions prove otherwise.
So, my question? I read on here and practice too, the "fake it til you make it" and "keep yourself busy, focus on you". But I do wonder, how do you decipher from using some healthy distractions to get you through, one day at a time, of taking care of you... between, using healthy distractions, to get you through, so that you don't have to deal with the natural consequences of your reality?
When I am not around my Ah or having to deal with him, I feel pretty good. I have endless thoughts about our situation and concerns for the future, mostly for the sake of our son. Also, my Ah is not a healthy man and is needing surgery(ies) soon and I am concerned about him. But for the most part, emotionally I am in tact and focused on positivity, seem to be seeing clearly etc. I compliment myself for handling things so well. Being able to laugh and have fun with my son and people at work, etc. Then, when I encounter my Ah or hear his voice on the phone, there I am again, sent into this whirlwind of unexpected emotion. Then this leads me to be upset with myself and question if I am really even doing well at all? Maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe I am just ignoring what I really feel, at those times when I "think" I am doing well.
Anyways, surely I am not the only one to know how this feels. And I know someone will have something brilliant to share with me today as they have other days, that will help me to understand.
thank you so much, each of you, who come here, post here, share here and lean on others here.
Good question. Not sure that I have the answer. But all I can tell you is, for me, when you start to wallow and not take care of yourself, that's when it's not dealing. It's been 3 months now since I lost my hubby. I miss him everyday. I have learned to let the tears come when they want. If I'm at work, I have to push through it until I can let them go when I get home. There are days when I just let the day go. I asked my doctor if I should be worried that my emotions have been all over the place. She said no, but to watch for signs that I'm not taking care of myself. Mourning the loss of any relationship takes time. Healing takes time. Give yourself that. Don't expect instant healing. It doesn't exist.
I think it's okay to push feelings aside if you have to. But you can't not deal with them. If you push them away completely it does come back to haunt you. I hope that helps. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Well I think as codependents we tend to be pretty hard on ourselves. Why not beat ourselves harder. I've been here 4 years and codependency is a hard subject to look at. When I reconnect with old friends now I am aware how enmeshed I've always been.
Grieving is a process. For some of us its stalled and for other people its hard to access. The A who I was with lost his father years ago. His mother created an atomosphere where only she could grieve, she was the "widow" and no one else had room to grieve.
Making space for things is pretty hard if you live with an active alcoholic, its pretty much non stop chaos. All my focus was once on the alcoholic. Now all my focus is on me and the things I have to do. Talk about a 360. I think keeping busy can also mean making time to process and look at issues but not having it be obsessional.
I deffintly think you need to deal with your emotions. I tried to ignore my feelings for such a long time and now I'm dealing with depression and anxiety and seeing a couselor. But, at the same time it prompted me to join Alanon so I'm grateful for that and for joining this group. But, I also think after you've dealt with everything it's good to keep busy and "fake it, till you make it." So you are not obesseing and thinking about the what if's or worrying about that person no longer being in your life. Really just take it one day at a time, write a gratitude list, spend time with your HP, and take care of yourself.
I wasn't sure how to reply to your post but it kept coming back into my mind over the last hour. Here's few of my thoughts, for whatever they are worth
Fake it until you make it ... I once had a strange notion I would just get good at faking it. Took a while for it to sink in that faking it made me remember what the real deal felt like.
Keep yourself busy and the focus on yourself, I again had a strange notion that there was a guide book of what was acceptable busy and what was not. One day, Christmas as a matter of fact, I watched "The Incredibles" 10 times one right after the other all by myself .... that was not on my list of acceptable busy. Funny thing is I remember that day and how I got thru it better than any other. I did alot that day when I thought I was doing nothing for myself.
When I get thoughts along the lines of am i doing this right, am I avoiding whatever situation, I've come to realise I am now on my way to finding my way thru another link in the chain. If I were avoiding it or in denial, I wouldn't be thinking about the alternate options and possible pitfalls. What I usually am doing is showing my impatience and feelings of worry over making it thru.
You sound strong and aware of yourself. There will be good times and bad, they come along in their own time.
I understand your comments about your Dad. I lost my biological Dad when i was a baby. I have similar responces to people's condolences, it's ok, I was too young to really know and so on. Then other days I can have a thought and weep over someone I never knew simply because I never knew him. We are mysterious creatures aren't we?
I have too many big picture days when I want to know how everything will turn out and what steps I need to take. Dealing by doing your everyday activity cannot be discounted. It is part of the work. If you were truly not dealing at all, you would be in bed with the covers over your head etc.
for me- and I think many of us CoDs-- I need not analyze my actions so harshly and just be a better friend to myself. Pat myself on the back for the things I did right- going to work, loving my kids, making a nice meal, reaching out to a friend (or cyber friends!)
all that being said, I also need to recognize that I need to feel all my feelings including sadness (which I don't like-- I actually told someone "I don't do sad"). It isn't fun but its healthier.
best wishes-
Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I understand what you are describing. My parents both died when I was young, my dad when I was 7 and mom when I was 11. My siblings and I did not get an opportunity to grieve or really deal with it at all. Now here we are as grown-ups (30-someting years later) dealing with other life issues and the unresolved feelings of pain and loss have absolutely played a huge part in our relationships. I personally don't think "fake it til you make it works with this one". For years I faked it, and the older I got the less I could even mention my parents' death without crying. Time does not heal all wounds. Couldn't even talk to my kids. Too much pain. Then, when my marriage fell apart and I had to deal with that, the aism, the affairs, the loss of my dreams... I cried and cried and cried. I had a few episodes of deep, loud, no-hold-bar sobbing, and I realized the tears were for all my losses, not just what I thought I was experiencing in the present moment. For me, I absolutely believe that I will never have a healthy relationship with myself or another person until I make peace with that part of my life.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
